We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

I’ll admit to being out of the loop when it comes to new games being released. Since I quit working at gamestop, I haven’t been keeping up with what is coming out, and when.

Imagine my surprise and delight to discover they are releasing a ‘Jaws’ game. Oh wait, they already DID release a Jaws game. For the NES. But now they’re doing it AGAIN. Only better! Just check out these stats!

* Players take control of Jaws the Great White Shark with themes and locations from the original JAWS universe.

Jaws has its own universe now? Also, to be nitpicky, I don’t believe the shark itself is named ‘Jaws’.

* More than 10 meticulously detailed, destructible environments, each with unique themes and intense action.

OMG 10? That might be too much INTENSE action for me, especially if there’s a wet & wild room. (and you know there will be.)

* Unleash real-time damage on intelligent enemies, vehicles and structures.

Since when are vehicles and structures considered to be intelligent?

* Perform a variety of stunning underwater, surface and air attacks via a user friendly combat system.

Ah, yes. I must be forgetting the part of the movie where Bruce the Shark learned to FLY.

* Dismemberment engine provides 25+ points of disconnection allowing for game characters and objects to be torn apart piece by piece.

I have no snarky remark for this. Oh, wait, I do! It must be based on the Jeffrey Dahmer Engine!

* Follow story based missions or choose to freely roam the island and its surroundings causing havoc.

‘So dig this, you guys. It’s like….it’s like GTA only you’re a SHARK, man.’

* Encounter multiple side missions/challenges including timed destruction, stealth, chase and others.

What sort of reward system would someone use for a shark?

* Face fearsome arena bosses including killer whales, powerful boats and more.

Apparently you will be facing these fearsome killer whales in a pool outside of a Hyatt somewhere. Tourists will watch in horror until your FLYING SHARK ATTACK starts dismembering them, as well!

orca eating

* See your victims before they know youโ€™re coming and target lock on enemies from afar with Shark Vision.

Why oh why didn’t I ask for Shark Vision for my birthday? :sob:

This game is either going to be terrible or terribly awesome. I vote for multiplayer where you can tag-team giant orcas and or battle each other to the death. THAT would be awesome.

35 Comments We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

  1. v1c1ous April 26, 2006 at 11:21 pm

    I remember seeing this at E3 last year and wondering how the fuck the developers thought that a game based upon a 30 year old movie license could possibly sell well. I mean, shit, have the Star Wars games taught us anything?

    1. veni_vidi_lusi April 26, 2006 at 11:28 pm

      yes, they have, Make it an RPG like KOTOR and you will sell lots.

      1. admin April 26, 2006 at 11:31 pm

        Release an unfinished RPG like KOTOR II and make Mellzah a sad panda. ๐Ÿ™

        1. veni_vidi_lusi April 26, 2006 at 11:33 pm

          Notice I said KOTOR, not KOTOR II.

          1. admin April 26, 2006 at 11:37 pm

            I did indeed notice that! I was just interjecting with my continued disappointment in KOTOR II.

          2. veni_vidi_lusi April 26, 2006 at 11:39 pm

            KOTOR II is like the premature birthed little brother that KOTOR pokes with a stick in it’s crib, so it acts all tough to stand out in the world, but everyone else just says “lol, that kid’s retarded”.

          3. admin April 26, 2006 at 11:53 pm

            It wears a helmet and pads everywhere!

      2. v1c1ous April 27, 2006 at 2:07 am

        Don’t let one hot seller blind you from the dozens of other crap titles released under the same license.

        1. veni_vidi_lusi April 27, 2006 at 2:46 am

          Again, I am very aware of this. Having worked in the game industry for nearly 8 years now, including for said compnay, I have seen the crap that can be produce.

    2. admin April 26, 2006 at 11:31 pm

      You remember what I told you the game *I* was working on turned around and bought as a license? Yeah, Taxi Driver. At least Jaws is a well-known 30 year old movie.

  2. yimmy149 April 27, 2006 at 12:47 am

    Dismemberment engine

    That has to look awesome on a developers resume!

    1. admin April 27, 2006 at 3:27 pm

      I’m thinking it would look awesome on ANYONE’S resume.

  3. damienwolfe April 27, 2006 at 1:11 am

    I’d probably play it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. admin April 27, 2006 at 3:28 pm

      For as much as I just made fun of it, I think I’d like to try it.

  4. foxhunt006 April 27, 2006 at 4:21 am

    HOLY CRAP!

    Awesome!

    I can’t help but wishfully think of a first person t-rex game. I’d love to chase down people and maul them. In a game, of course. Not that I’d do that in real-life except on wednesdays before 4pm.

    1. wakare April 27, 2006 at 6:22 am

      A few years back there was a 3rd person t-rex game where you ran around and ate people and other dinosaurs. (Arcade only.) I was an exhibitor at E3 the year it debuted so I was able to go onto the show floor an hour early and every day I went straight to that game and played it while the place was empty. Rawr!!

      1. admin April 27, 2006 at 3:32 pm

        I just realized that I could probably use my job to get into E3. Too late for this year, of course, but maybe next year!

      2. foxhunt006 April 28, 2006 at 4:31 am

        This is a market that needs to be exploited, I think.

        Then again, dinosaurs always have rocked my world! I’m so jealous of your adventures at E3. ๐Ÿ™‚

    2. admin April 27, 2006 at 3:30 pm

      It’s not first person, but in Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis (a sim game where you build and operate your own Jurassic Park) it was ALWAYS fun to herd all of the visitors into one section of the park by removing walkways, and then releasing the T-Rex into their midst. I’m not sure that’s what the developers intended, but HOLY HELL it was fun.

      1. foxhunt006 April 28, 2006 at 4:27 am

        !!!

        Must… find… game!

        1. admin April 28, 2006 at 4:25 pm

          It’s a little harder to find than some games–it didn’t sell too well, and surprisingly for a licensed game, it’s on the rare side. Xbox copies on Amazon are going for ~25, PS2 & PC copies are going for almost 60!

  5. shadowstitch April 26, 2006 at 11:13 pm

    If this game is HALF as cool as the NES Jaws game, then I will be MORE than pleased… I mean, c’mon… Alien Vs Predator? Freddy Vs Jason? SCREW THAT NOISE. I want some JAWS vs. ORCA action!

    ‘So dig this, you guys. It’s like….it’s like GTA only you’re a SHARK, man.’

    Sadly, I am almost CERTAIN that comparison, possibly that EXACT phraseology, was used at some point in the pitch process.

    and yes, BTW….Great White Sharks *DO* occasionally go airborne, chasing seals…

    1. admin April 26, 2006 at 11:17 pm

      I’ve seen that, and I’ve heard that makos in particular can get upwards of eight feet out of the water, but I’m sure that’s not how it’s going to be implemented. It’s going to be more like bunnyhopping in UT, shark skipping merrily across the water like he was some sort of humongous rock.

      I remember the NES Jaws game as…not being awesome. It was more like ‘SHARK APPEARS RANDOMLY. YOU DIE.’

      1. shadowstitch April 26, 2006 at 11:32 pm

        WHICH IS HOW AN ENCOUNTER WITH JAWS SHOULD BE OKAY PAY ATTENTION.

        1. admin April 26, 2006 at 11:36 pm

          YABBUT IF YOU’RE MAKING A GAME IT SHOULD BE POSSIBLE TO BEAT IT, MMKAY?

          1. shadowstitch April 26, 2006 at 11:51 pm

            Ask anyone who has seen me play it.
            I ROUTINELY beat Jaws’ ass, cause that’s how I roll.

          2. admin April 26, 2006 at 11:53 pm

            URBAN LEGEND.

    2. Gabe September 1, 2014 at 6:22 am

      I think this game is forgetting the fact that
      A) Sharks do not prey on Killer Whales

      B) Great Whites actually avoid Killer Whales

      C) A case of a single Killer Whale has been documented and filmed sneaking up on a fully grown Great White and killing it, for no particular reason (it didn’t even eat it) and the Killer Whale sustained no injuries.

      Why isn’t there a game where you can be an Orca? The Seaworld killing scene would be more fitting too ๐Ÿ˜€

      1. Mellzah September 5, 2014 at 9:27 am

        I would play the heck out of a game where you could play as an Orca. Especially if there are baby orcas jumping and playing around you while you do your orca business.

  6. fete_pindon April 27, 2006 at 8:08 am

    it looks shit.

    there, i said it.

    1. admin April 27, 2006 at 3:42 pm

      Oh, it likely is! Every once in a while I get excited about things like ‘dismemberment engine’ however, and need to post about it.

      1. fete_pindon April 28, 2006 at 9:45 am

        i’ll grant you that. “dismemberment engine” does have a certain je ne sais quoi about it.

        most recent game i bought was rogue trooper for the xbox. damn me, i bought into the hype, but it’s sadly like every other 3rd person blastemup and 3d platform type thingumajig out there.

        but it’s got rogue trooper in it.

        and you get to be him.

        so that means it’s awesome.

        ๐Ÿ™‚

        1. admin April 28, 2006 at 4:48 pm

          I’ve bought some games specifically BECAUSE they were bad. For example, I own BMX XXX. Does it have value now? Hell no. In 50 years? Maybe it’ll be a collector’s item! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  7. captain_canadia April 29, 2006 at 7:08 am

    I have just TWO (2) things to say…

    ONE (1)… FATE ENGINE!!! (On my TI Programable Calculator with Ascii Box-Art).

    TWO (2)… I’m not sure I want to see the ‘hooker cheat’ with a shark…a ‘great white’ none the less…

    1. admin May 2, 2006 at 3:35 am

      One: Go ahead and laugh at the Fate Engine. I’ll just program your death into it. And then you’ll…like…die in the real world. Cause. Fate. You know. THE CALCULATOR KNOWS ALL.

      Two: I’m pretty sure I would pay extra for that. Because I am one sick bastard.

Comments are closed.