This Easter, I get to prepare a holiday meal: something I have not done for approximately eight years, as I normally mooch off of other people’s hard work. I don’t give a rip about the reason for the holiday; to me, it’s Thanksgiving with fewer root vegetables and a more moist main course. All the same, I want to do it up right. Cute, delicious, and seasonally appropriate. So, looking for inspiration, I turned to everyone’s favorite internet aggregator, Pinterest, and what I found there horrified me.
Here’s the top five nightmarish things I found for my Easter table.
5. Resurrection Rolls
Now, to be fair, the rolls themselves don’t look bad. I’m more disturbed at what this recipe tells us about Jesus: namely, that he was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man who was betrayed by four disciples when they crossed the streams of cinnamon and sugar, and this recipe has you recreate said betrayal. If you listen closely to the oven door, I’m sure you hear a high pitched whisper “My Kraft, my Kraft, why have you forsaken me?”
You know, I could have gotten behind the idea of Communion a bit more if it involved smores instead of that papery wafer that leaves a coat of film on your tongue that only bad wine can burn away.
4. It’s Lamb Chop’s Play Along!
I guess if you’re going to make a cake shaped like an animal, the least you can do is make it look like you’re carving meat when you cut a slice. It’s even better if you wear a Hannibal Lecter mask while carving it and muttering “Well hello Clarice…good to see you again.” I think the only question remaining is whether to serve it with a raspberry sauce or mint frosting.
3. The Tale of Peter Rabbit
Well, now we know what Mr. McGregor has in mind for when he finally captures Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail: he’s getting his vegetables back directly from their viscera.
2. Chick Murder Eggs
All of your guests will want to eat eggs that look like there are partially stillborn deformed chicks inside! It’s like visiting a country that serves Balut minus the sex tourism! Who wouldn’t want to eat their sad little bulbous faces and put them out of their misery?
1.J-E-L-L-OH MY GOD.
There’s always room for Jello! Especially when encased inside its shimmering, wiggling exterior are the components of a balanced meal: ham chunks, corn, peas, greens, and red pepper. It’s like head cheese that follows US nutritional guidelines–I only hope there’s also a gelatinous mold with suspended Jesus particles for dessert.