Sometimes I invent things: The Goddess Juicer

To be perfectly honest, I don’t even remember know how this disgusting idea came to be. One moment, I was chatting with The Harpies, and the next, I was trying to figure out why no one else had ever tried to market an at-home period suction device that looks remarkably like a turkey baster–the room went silent, I looked up, and everyone had the most horrified looks on their faces, like I’d just suggested we create and sell a photographic version of “The Kama Sutra” with posed taxidermied animals wearing jaunty hats: I knew I had a winner.

I give you The Goddess Juicer. Why wait for nature to take its course, when you can ease its passage and take control of your womanly destiny with a sparkling, rose-scented squeeze bulb?

5 Comments Sometimes I invent things: The Goddess Juicer

  1. Michelle May 3, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    This thing would change the world. Sex would actually work more like it does in romance novels and romantic comedies, where nobody ever menstruates.

    But I’d feel a bit diminished somehow. There’s a certain badassery one can claim from being able to walk around like normal people when you’re BLEEDING FROM YOUR SNATCH.

  2. Hutchy May 3, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    Oh man. Man oh man. That is quite awesome, in a I’m-never-ever-using-it kind of way. But I might buy one, just to casually leave around the house…

  3. Matrixx May 3, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    Have you tried the Ultra tampons? They’re practically the same thing, but with sl

  4. Holly Folly May 3, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    This would the perfect thing to keep in the guest bathroom. You know, just under the sink where everybody expects there to be toilet paper.

  5. keeks May 4, 2012 at 7:11 am

    I only want one if it sparkles like that in real life.

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