My Thoughts On Avatar

Obviously, I’m late to the party on this, but when has timeliness or lack thereof ever stopped me from writing a blog post before?

Given that the movie was such a phenomeon, and certain people kept riding my case about not having seen it yet, and stories started cropping up about people being severely depressed after seeing the movie because they were longing to visit Pandora, and then there’s the epic crazy of people who believe they were Na’vi in a past life, I became intrigued and decided I ought to at least see the movie and discover firsthand what all of the fuss was about.

I also decided to hedge my bets by sucking down a couple martinis beforehand.

…I didn’t drink enough. I hated this movie. Loathed it. Involuntarily rolled my eyes, huffed, and squirmed in my seat like a three-year-old for at least the last hour and a half.

I don’t even begin to be qualified to talk about race as it pertains to this movie, save for the way it was handled made me feel unsettled, blah blah blah, shameful caricature of native peoples, blah blah blah, so smart but too stupid to save themselves and need a white man to do it but in every other respect they’re better than evil white people, blah blah blah anti-colonialism, blah blah blah, so everything I touch on is going to be purely superficial.

First things first: All of you people who are depressed after watching this movie, detached from reality, considering suicide, all because you cannot experience Pandora firsthand–allow me to rear my hand back and slap you with the fury of a thousand burning suns. Do you really feel lost, depressed, deeply sad because you won’t wake up some morning in a nightmare world where everything wants to kill you? Is all you need to be happy just some shit that lights up? Listen up, assholes: There’s nothing on Pandora that you can’t get with $50 and a trip to Spencer Gifts.

ย  4455536976_12f380e303_o Holy shit, it’s like I’m on Pandora!

Now, let’s take a peek into James Cameron’s brain.

“Hmm. The last really big overblown movie I made that sold a shitload of tickets involved a jillion dollars worth of CGI, had an obnoxious on-again off-again romance, had something REALLY big that got destroyed in a vast expanse of terrain inhospitable to human life that allowed for no outsider rescue, and ran about an hour longer than any other movie in the theater. What if I did that again, only in outer space? Outer space is also vast. And included a reprisal role for Paul Reiser’s character in ‘Aliens’, the evil one who was only interested in profit and military benefits, regardless of human cost? Hmm. What else could be really, really big? Pseudo-environmentalism is pretty hot, what about a really big blade of grass? No, that’s not right, too ‘Honey I Shrunk The Kids’. A big meadow? No, too ‘Little House on the Prairie’. Wait. Yes. A BIG TREE. Lord of the Rings had big trees and made an asston of money. People like big trees. The Giving Tree, now that’s a tree with staying power. A big tree that’s also an ecosystem and here comes Paul Reiser in the vast expanse of space to destroy this really big tree in the name of profits and break up the romance. Making this movie will cost at least a jillion and a half dollars in CGI and can’t be cut much below three hours. I also want to include a strong anti-corporate message. Can we get Coke and McDonalds on the phone for sponsorship dollars? God, I am such a genius. I bet I can get people to buy the same movie over and over again forever.”

4454758193_c4e6c42728_o James Cameron’s next project: Clifford The Big Red Dog Gets Killed

For as ‘advanced’ and in tune with nature as the Na’vi are supposed to be, women are portrayed to be as shallow as ever. Ladies, is your intended a pretty ugly dude? It’s perfectly fine to pair up with a more attractive guy especially if your excuse is that you see a person’s soul. We all know that attractive people have the most attractive souls, even when they’re double-crossing liars with bad intentions. Whoops, I guess you’re not as good at soul-soothsaying as you thought! You should cast this beautiful man away until he pimps his ride, at which point it’s acceptable to take him back because you want to be seen riding bitch on that impressive vehicle.

4455537078_b6eeb26d7d_o “Yeaaaaah, holla atcha boy!”

Speaking of the ladies, why do non-mammalian creatures have breasts? What must their function be? Wouldn’t they get in the way of all the bow-hunting they do, especially if they’re merely decorative? There’s a lesson to learn in this: Even if you hate everything, you don’t hate boobies. Or hula hoops.

4454797785_4e45d460d4 I got nothin. Did you really think I was going to google image search boobs for you?

Verdict: Predictable, boring, too long, but it does have boobs. D+

39 Comments My Thoughts On Avatar

  1. scearley March 22, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    The dude who produced “Strange Days” and “Point Break” always gets a pass.

    1. admin March 22, 2010 at 10:20 pm

      I respectfully disagree. Someone needs to stop giving him money, his best films are all behind him.

      1. argonel March 22, 2010 at 11:42 pm

        No he is definitely still a visionary. However people need to stop giving him piles of money to direct a movie, as he lacks several key skills. Someone should give a good director a a big pile of money so they can hire Cameron to be in charge of the sets and effects. Of course whoever you have do it needs to be big enough that they can keep Cameron on budget and under control. If necessary they need to be ready to fire his ass and the contract needs to be written with a significant penalty clause to keep him from picking up his toys and going home when he doesn’t get his way.

        1. admin March 22, 2010 at 11:50 pm

          I don’t think he would ever agree to giving up control like that.

          1. argonel March 23, 2010 at 12:42 am

            I agree, but we can hope.

        2. scearley March 23, 2010 at 2:56 pm

          Nearly every movie that comes out in IMAX – that is, converted to IMAX and not shot in IMAX – gets his input because he’s the one commercial director with the most technical expertise.

          Other directors have more but they’re the Net Geo guys who do the nice looking but eventually boring stuff like “Undersea Exploration” and such. And they shoot in IMAX rather than convert.

    2. doctoreon March 23, 2010 at 3:36 pm

      He could have stopped at Terminator, and just started filming his poo, and I would give him a pass. That said, Avatar did pretty much look like that’s what he did – in CGI.

  2. rimrunner March 22, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    That’s about what I expected. (I haven’t seen it. Even if I’d been tempted to, one night’s channel-surfing landed me on Dances with Wolves, which reminded me how much that fucking movie annoys me.)

    Do you really feel lost, depressed, deeply sad because you won’t wake up some morning in a nightmare world where everything wants to kill you?

    If so, they might try visiting Australia.

    In other news, I have a friend who’s gone by the nickname “Navi” for a number of years. I’m sorta bummed for her right now.

    1. admin March 22, 2010 at 10:26 pm

      Dance with Wolves, Pocahontas, Fern Gully–you’ve seen this movie countless times before. The only reason to watch it is to see the pretty graphics. I do like the way 3D was handled here, intended to immerse instead of pull the audience out with jump tactics aka no Freddy Krueger jumping out the screen. I think that if 3D is used in this manner in the future, it will cease to be gimmicky and may do wonders financially for the film industry. Though whenever people and CGI characters were onscreen together, especially in scenes where they interacted with one another, it wasn’t convincing and a little uncanny valley-esque. It might be as advanced as we can do for now but it’s still not quite there.

      You may be right on the Australia thing, all they would need are some glowsticks, and then they could go romping out in the bush with poisonous snakes and face-size spiders.

        1. admin March 22, 2010 at 10:53 pm

          I bet they’d do better advertising it as EARTH PANDORA 2010.

    1. admin March 22, 2010 at 10:26 pm

      ๐Ÿ˜€

  3. pretzelcoatl March 22, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    See, I have a qualm with everyone assuming that even if I hated it, I enjoyed the visuals. Yes, I did. But that’s because I enjoy animated movies too. I don’t care if it’s suddenly awesome that they integrated live action people with animated characters; that doesn’t mean I find it revolutionary. BLARGH.

    1. admin March 22, 2010 at 11:00 pm

      Yeah, for those who already enjoy animated films, there’s no revelation here.

  4. yimmy149 March 22, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    The only way this LJ could be improved is if it were in THREEE-DEEE

    1. admin March 22, 2010 at 11:01 pm

      You could print it out and make a paper airplane out of it?

  5. xaotica March 22, 2010 at 11:07 pm

    it depresses me that even in the future or in other theoretical worlds it’s unthinkable to imagine a place that isn’t racist, sexist, and superficial as fuck. also, that the main thing that determines whether most people like a movie is how aesthetically pleasing it is.

    i also tried getting very intoxicated before watching avatar to no avail ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. admin March 22, 2010 at 11:12 pm

      I just don’t think James Cameron is capable of envisioning a future theoretical world that isn’t racist, sexist, or superficial as fuck. A better story is out there, to be sure, but it’s not going to come from him–why try to challenge the opinions of the lowest common denominator when the lowest common denominator wants racist, sexist, superficial, aesthetically pleasing things and he’s interested in making an assload of money off of the lowest common denominator?

  6. travelbothroads March 22, 2010 at 11:45 pm

    My interest in this movie lasted about until they let the audience know that the precious metal they hoped to obtain was called ‘Unobtainium’ at which point I said aloud in the crowded Imax theater, “Man, fuck this movie.”

    1. admin March 22, 2010 at 11:51 pm

      AHAHAHA awesome. The word ‘unobtanium’ HAD to be a filler word that they forgot about until it was too late.

      1. cunninggod March 23, 2010 at 12:28 am

        I immediately thought of Oakley sunglasses when I heard unobtanium…that’s what they call the rubber they use that “has increased grip when wet with perspiration”. Been used since 1987

        Great review, I think I’ll save my hard earned money and not see Avatar

        1. admin March 23, 2010 at 12:35 am

          I do wonder if I’d like it if I were reaaaaaaaaaaaally drunk, but I think I’ll save that experiment for when it makes its way to the $3 theater.

  7. dear_amaranth March 23, 2010 at 1:03 am

    It was perty enough to hold my interest.

    But yeah, the whole “noble savage” bit really bugged me.

    And also, I hung out with my mom this last weekend and she asked if I’d seen it, and she said how much she loved it but that it made her sad because “it kind of reminded me of what we did to the Native Americans.”

    *sigh* Yes Mom. I’m glad you picked up on that. It was quite subtle, after all. ๐Ÿ˜›

    1. admin March 23, 2010 at 1:15 am

      I’ve got no beef with the people who liked it, save those who liked it so much they want to die.

      I’m surprised that none of the Na’vi screamed out that they were on a trail of tears from the home tree.

  8. irrationalrobot March 23, 2010 at 1:25 am

    Avatar was not a good movie. Yeah, that’s about it. My favorite part of the movie was probably when Ben Stiller showed up in a Na’Vi costume for the Oscars, hissed at the camera, and completely pulled the rug out from under that movie for me. He took the joke a little too far (as is his wont to do), but yeah, pretty much nailed it for me.

    I did like how Sigorney Weaver’s Avatar was the only one with a decent rack- I attribute this to a clause in her contract.

    1. admin March 23, 2010 at 1:36 am

      I laughed when Ben Stiller yanked the fishing pole controlling his tail out of the operator’s hands. Also, the makeup artist did a FANTASTIC job on him.

  9. robotdevil March 23, 2010 at 1:34 am

    *golf clap*

    1. admin March 23, 2010 at 1:38 am

      I know you’re not supposed to laugh at your own jokes but ‘Clifford the Big Red Dog Gets Killed’ has been making me chuckle all day.

  10. scrapdog March 23, 2010 at 2:50 am

    But… but… the romance!

    “I see you.”
    “I see you.”

    Talk about romance signals hijacking the comedy nerve…

    (It is the only “but-you’ve-got-to-admit” observation I’ve got for you.)

  11. cordelia_rose March 23, 2010 at 4:30 am

    I enjoyed it, but very much like Alice in Wonderland I was expecting very, very little. It was pretty, that was cool. Plot…. what plot? Let us never speak of this plot again.

    1. admin March 23, 2010 at 4:36 am

      It probably would’ve been better if they didn’t even make a stab at plot, just “look at these pretty pictures”.

  12. jennzahling March 23, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    THANK THE SWEET FUCKING BABY JESUS. someone else hates this film as much as i did. i didnt even bother going to the theater (thank you, wonders of the intarwebs), and i wanted to kick this film in the face about halfway through it. and i sat at HOME and watched it. thought it had nice visuals, but the story fell absolutely FLAT. there’s a reason why we’re twins. <3

    1. admin March 23, 2010 at 8:06 pm

      Oh girl, the only thing that kept me from walking out of that theater was the knowledge that I would have to finish it someday in order to properly mock it on the internet.

      1. jennzahling March 23, 2010 at 8:18 pm

        fucking hell, i hated this film. and did you hear that shit about people being SUICIDAL because they couldn’t go to Pandora?? i was like FUCK OFF YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOTS. how fucking stupid! it’s a FICTIONAL PLACE, like Middle Earth. you dont see the Twilight fans killing themselves because Edward can’t REALLY bite them. so really, what does that say about the human race? when Twilight Fans > Avatar Fans, and the majority of Twi-hards are fucking TEENAGERS?? and the average age of the Avatar junkie/geek is like 30+??

        i seriously weep for the future. <3

        1. admin March 23, 2010 at 8:59 pm

          First things first: All of you people who are depressed after watching this movie, detached from reality, considering suicide, all because you cannot experience Pandora firsthand–allow me to rear my hand back and slap you with the fury of a thousand burning suns. Do you really feel lost, depressed, deeply sad because you won’t wake up some morning in a nightmare world where everything wants to kill you? Is all you need to be happy just some shit that lights up? Listen up, assholes: There’s nothing on Pandora that you can’t get with $50 and a trip to Spencer Gifts.

          Babydoll, are you skimming my posts? ๐Ÿ™ You’ll miss all the funny!

          1. jennzahling March 23, 2010 at 9:08 pm

            yeah i did skim. but i skim everyone these days….. i promise to be more thorough in the future! cos i nearly died reading that. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. admin March 30, 2010 at 4:16 pm

      That is completely spot-on!

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