Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy

We got another weirdo truck driver in today. Not scary-violent like the last one*, but a guy who was clearly suffering the ill effects of not being around people very often. He had a potent musk, eau d’whiskey sweat that has been scraped off the skin with its natural b.o., muddled in a dirty ashtray with just a hint of urine.

He picked up every single one of the admin’s desk decorations to inspect them and perhaps mark his territory, and exclaimed with each one “hee! Well don’t that just beat all!”

All of a sudden, he stopped. He was captivated, held in thrall by something. Just as quickly, his trance was broken as he shouted “Lookit, those pictures remind me o’ them Twilight books. You read those? She uses flowers on the cover…none of you have read ’em? It’s romance books. They’re about vampires, not like, rip your guts out vampires, but it’s a teenage love story. Ha, there was a 17 year old vampire what’d been 17 for 400 years, ’cause once you get bit, you stay bit.”

I WAS DYING, YOU GUYS. It’s not safe for me to hold in laughter like that, I could pop a kidney!

*I don’t think I ever posted about this– after scaring the living Jesus out of everyone talking about how anyone who talked shit about the Hell’s Angels deserved to die, he came back the next day, told the admin his life story, started talking about how he had hurt himself the day before (how, I don’t know, because he didn’t do any of the lifting) and then asked where the nearest hospital was. He left…and never came back. Two months later, the trucking company called to ask if perhaps we had one of their rigs. Yes. Yes, we did. Mr. Hell’s Angels? Disappeared.

50 Comments Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy

  1. pandemoniachick March 24, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Once you get bit, you stay bit.

    I’m using that phrase for everything now. Everything.

    1. admin March 24, 2009 at 5:55 pm

      hahahaha it might replace ‘daddy like’ as my favorite phrase.

    2. admin March 24, 2009 at 5:55 pm

      hahahaha it might replace ‘daddy like’ as my favorite phrase.

  2. pandemoniachick March 24, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Once you get bit, you stay bit.

    I’m using that phrase for everything now. Everything.

  3. variax March 24, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    It’s not safe for me to hold in laughter that, I could pop a kidney!
    The mental image of you shooting a kidney out of your back like some sort of organ toaster will provide enough amusement to get me through today’s parade of mundanity.

    1. admin March 24, 2009 at 6:11 pm

      I mostly spend my time as an Organ Rotisserie.

      1. variax March 24, 2009 at 6:14 pm

        I am saving that image to get me through tomorrow.

      2. variax March 24, 2009 at 6:14 pm

        I am saving that image to get me through tomorrow.

    2. admin March 24, 2009 at 6:11 pm

      I mostly spend my time as an Organ Rotisserie.

  4. variax March 24, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    It’s not safe for me to hold in laughter that, I could pop a kidney!
    The mental image of you shooting a kidney out of your back like some sort of organ toaster will provide enough amusement to get me through today’s parade of mundanity.

  5. nanci_raygun March 24, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Oh Hell’s Angels. Around where I am it’s nothing but THE WARRIORS.

    1. admin March 24, 2009 at 6:10 pm

      aaaaaaaand I will have that song in my head all day long now.

    2. admin March 24, 2009 at 6:10 pm

      aaaaaaaand I will have that song in my head all day long now.

  6. nanci_raygun March 24, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Oh Hell’s Angels. Around where I am it’s nothing but THE WARRIORS.

  7. notlostonme March 24, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    I don’t even know what to say to this.

  8. notlostonme March 24, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    I don’t even know what to say to this.

  9. scearley March 24, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    ever since my friend Randy pointed out that vampirism somehow blocks out the disgusting reality of pedophilia in all of those books, I can’t even look at them without cringing.

    1. admin March 24, 2009 at 6:39 pm

      I wondered about that, too! I mean, so the kid looks 17, but is actually 417…and he’s banging an actual teenage? Ewww. Shouldn’t he really be looking at girls at least old enough to consent?

      Also, is he really getting anything out of high school at this point? If he’s been pounding away at the eleventh grade for 400 years and he still doesn’t get calculus, he might just have to give up at this point.

      1. maps_or_guitars March 24, 2009 at 6:48 pm

        Haven’t read the books, but from what you say, it’s not *calculus* that he’s been “POUNDING AWAY AT.”

        1. admin March 24, 2009 at 6:50 pm

          I hoped that my easy set-up wouldn’t just be frittered away. Thank you for coming through for me!

          1. maps_or_guitars March 24, 2009 at 6:52 pm

            Happy to oblige. The only way to fish is to put the scaly little beggars in a barrel and break out the twelve-gauge.

          2. admin March 24, 2009 at 7:55 pm

            Well, twelve-gauge only if missiles are unavailable.

          3. admin March 24, 2009 at 7:55 pm

            Well, twelve-gauge only if missiles are unavailable.

          4. maps_or_guitars March 24, 2009 at 6:52 pm

            Happy to oblige. The only way to fish is to put the scaly little beggars in a barrel and break out the twelve-gauge.

        2. admin March 24, 2009 at 6:50 pm

          I hoped that my easy set-up wouldn’t just be frittered away. Thank you for coming through for me!

      2. maps_or_guitars March 24, 2009 at 6:48 pm

        Haven’t read the books, but from what you say, it’s not *calculus* that he’s been “POUNDING AWAY AT.”

      3. katura March 25, 2009 at 6:15 am

        lol

      4. katura March 25, 2009 at 6:15 am

        lol

    2. admin March 24, 2009 at 6:39 pm

      I wondered about that, too! I mean, so the kid looks 17, but is actually 417…and he’s banging an actual teenage? Ewww. Shouldn’t he really be looking at girls at least old enough to consent?

      Also, is he really getting anything out of high school at this point? If he’s been pounding away at the eleventh grade for 400 years and he still doesn’t get calculus, he might just have to give up at this point.

  10. scearley March 24, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    ever since my friend Randy pointed out that vampirism somehow blocks out the disgusting reality of pedophilia in all of those books, I can’t even look at them without cringing.

  11. watchout5 March 24, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    Do you think he spends his time driving reading books?

    1. admin March 24, 2009 at 5:54 pm

      I don’t know. From the smell of him, I think he spent last night drinking.

    2. admin March 24, 2009 at 5:54 pm

      I don’t know. From the smell of him, I think he spent last night drinking.

  12. watchout5 March 24, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    Do you think he spends his time driving reading books?

  13. cheeserock March 24, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    you know where he went disappearing to?

    to Forkes. totally.

    1. admin March 24, 2009 at 7:54 pm

      HAHAHAHAHA “Gonna fight me a vampire, yessir!”

    2. admin March 24, 2009 at 7:54 pm

      HAHAHAHAHA “Gonna fight me a vampire, yessir!”

  14. cheeserock March 24, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    you know where he went disappearing to?

    to Forkes. totally.

  15. pandemoniachick March 24, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    Oh, and if it hasn’t been suggested to you, you need to WATCH THE MOVIE. It really puts this guy reading these books into perspective.

    If you need further convincing, here are two words: VAMPIRE BASEBALL.

    1. admin March 25, 2009 at 3:41 pm

      I couldn’t even get through two minutes of that clip! WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?

      1. pandemoniachick April 1, 2009 at 6:58 am

        THIS IS THE SHIT THAT IS AMAZING TO WATCH WHEN YOU ARE HALF-TOASTED AND EVERYTHING IS HILARIOUS.

        This is a movie to make a night out of. GATHER FRIENDS. MAKE CAKE. DRINK BOOZE. WATCH TWILIGHT. LAUGH UNTIL YOU PUKE. REPEAT.

        I am so dearly fond of this movie, in the same way I am dearly fond of the Mortal Kombat movie or old school early 90s Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

        1. admin April 1, 2009 at 5:20 pm

          I actually genuinely like the first Mortal Kombat movie. There might be something wrong with my brain.

        2. admin April 1, 2009 at 5:20 pm

          I actually genuinely like the first Mortal Kombat movie. There might be something wrong with my brain.

      2. pandemoniachick April 1, 2009 at 6:58 am

        THIS IS THE SHIT THAT IS AMAZING TO WATCH WHEN YOU ARE HALF-TOASTED AND EVERYTHING IS HILARIOUS.

        This is a movie to make a night out of. GATHER FRIENDS. MAKE CAKE. DRINK BOOZE. WATCH TWILIGHT. LAUGH UNTIL YOU PUKE. REPEAT.

        I am so dearly fond of this movie, in the same way I am dearly fond of the Mortal Kombat movie or old school early 90s Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

    2. admin March 25, 2009 at 3:41 pm

      I couldn’t even get through two minutes of that clip! WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?

  16. pandemoniachick March 24, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    Oh, and if it hasn’t been suggested to you, you need to WATCH THE MOVIE. It really puts this guy reading these books into perspective.

    If you need further convincing, here are two words: VAMPIRE BASEBALL.

  17. katura March 25, 2009 at 6:13 am

    Oh my god, that is the best thing EVER. I am so going to be sharing this story with my co-workers.

    1. admin March 25, 2009 at 3:38 pm

      Just remember: Once ya get bit, ya stay bit!

    2. admin March 25, 2009 at 3:38 pm

      Just remember: Once ya get bit, ya stay bit!

  18. katura March 25, 2009 at 6:13 am

    Oh my god, that is the best thing EVER. I am so going to be sharing this story with my co-workers.

Comments are closed.