Welcome, friends, to my journey of bitter disappointment in discovering that the celebrities I crushed on were just people, too.
Bad people.
Jim Carrey
When I was twelve years old, I developed a great big owl-glasses drooling brace-faced crush on Jim Carrey. He was funny AND handsome! I was especially impressed with the way he would make it appear he was talking out of his butt. He would understand my pain. I wasn’t quiet about it, either. Ooooh no. I wrote him letter after letter after letter. Not stalking, just sharing. After all, he was surely interested in my prepubescent trials and tribulations, why wouldn’t he be interested in the day-to-day activities of his future wife? Like when her little brother knocked her off her bike and she ripped up her forearm on a jagged rock and her doctor stitched her up RIGHT THERE at the kitchen table and said she was SO brave and then it oozed weepy matter for a month because one time she accidentally hit it against the door as she was getting off the school bus and ripped it open again and spent the afternoon in pre-algebra class alternately pressing those rough brown paper towels against it and picking at the remaining scabby edges? What future husband wouldn’t want to know that? I was incredibly thrilled when I received a genuinely autographed photograph from him in the mail in return. Encouraged by my successes, and armed with the knowledge that my family would be visiting my grandparents in California for Easter break that year, I made the first move and cordially invited him to meet me for lunch. I was sure he would be suitably impressed by the massive scrapbook I had assembled with photographs and articles about him, things that I had collected and friends had given to me, because it demonstrated my complete knowledge about all things Jim Carrey. He never responded (who would?! It’s a basic law of self-preservation to avoid encounters that might end with you getting stabbed by someone who is sobbing while screeching “I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!” or “IF I CAN’T HAVE YOU, NO ONE CAN!” or “SPANK YOU VERY MUCH!”), but while I was visiting my grandparents, my aunt called the house and pretended to be his secretary while my grandfather called me to the phone with “Oh my goodness, Melissa, it’s Jimmy Carrey!!” because you aren’t a member of my family if you don’t believe in cruel pranks.
Little was I to know that one day he actually WOULD start talking out of his ass. You see, his girlfriend, Jenny McCarthy, is a scientist.
See? Totally a scientist.
OH WAIT, NO SHE ISN’T. She’s a pseudo-celebrity who was once famous for showing off her rack in Playboy and on MTV, she popped out a kid, and is now the self-appointed leader of the anti-vaccination movement with the spurious reasoning that vaccinations cause autism, when it’s more likely a coincidence; children start exhibiting signs of autism around the same age that they receive the MMR vaccine. She is basing all of her ‘science’ knowledge off a sample group of one–her child, and for some reason, that’s given her credibility among talk-show circles though NO respectable science is done with a sample group that small. Not only does she claim to have cured her son’s autism through diet, but she is reccommending that other, talk-show-watching, impressionable parents who want the best for their children NOT vaccinate these children, leaving a group of our population (up to 10% of our schools!) vulnerable against third world diseases that we had essentially wiped out in the developed world. This movement now has a body count attached to it. Children, who are supposed to be protected by their parents to the best of their ability because they cannot fend for themselves, are becoming ill and dying because Tits McGee fancies herself a scientist.
Jim Carrey has also attached himself to this movement. It’s amazing how he became interested in it and SO very educated about it right around the time he started boning down with Jenny McCarthy, isn’t it? He rails against the profitability of vaccines, claiming that doctors, uninfluenced by their hippopotamushippocratic oath, have a motto: “Grab ’em and stab ’em.” Yes, that sounds vaguely doctor-ish. It’s too bad that vaccines aren’t really the profit-generators in the industry–pharmaceuticals to grow hair, lose weight, and give you boners are. It’s why we don’t get spam trying to sell us /\/|M® vaccines for 60% off–they aren’t the moneymakers! Anything you only need once, twice, three times in a lifetime isn’t going to generate the profit of something that’s used EVERY DAY. I would expect someone educated about the industry to know this, but oh wait, you just went to VAGINA UNIVERSITY, Jim Carrey. And now your (girlfriend’s) opinions about vaccines are given more airtime and credence than they deserve, simply because of your celebrity, creating a debate where there should be none. Do you not recognize how utterly sick and disgusting it is that your high school dropout opinion should be given the same or greater weight than that of noncelebrity scientists and doctors who actually know what they’re talking about?
SHUT UP, YOU ARE RUINING IT FOR ME.
Johnny Depp
This guy oozes cheekbones and charm and class, save for his ‘Wino forever’ tattoo, meeting and greeting and signing autographs for fans who wait outside his sets for hours, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. By all accounts, he is supposed to be a decent guy, both to work with and in general, not a prima donna or an asshole like Val Kilmer or Russell Crowe. An excellent, swoon-worthy candidate for crushitude.
This is why I was particularly disappointed to see this; that he defended Roman Polanski’s rape of a child.
EXCUSE ME? Why now? If he killed a child and fled justice for thirty years instead of raped a child and fled justice for thirty years, would you be asking why now? Here is a hint, Johnny Depp: Roman Polanski raped a child. He was CONVICTED of raping a child. There is NO question that he actually did rape her, both vaginally and anally, after drugging her. If he had manned up and accepted his punishment at the time, we wouldn’t need to ask ‘why now?’. He certainly manned up enough to stick his cock in a few of her holes. But he ran away, Johnny Depp, to live in ‘exile’, a life filled with extravagant homes in multiple countries, continuing high-profile work, almost flaunting the fact that he escaped justice. What makes him better, less deserving of justice, than other child rapists? Is it money? You indicate that it must be about money somehow…because in your world, problems like this can always be solved with money. It must be nice to have enough money to be able to buy freedom from justice. It’s too bad that money couldn’t shut the girl up to avoid the conviction in the first place, eh?
FURTHERMORE, I wasn’t aware that once someone has beautiful children and a wife that it erases the bad shit they’ve done and eliminates them as a potential predator. I suppose no child has ever been touched inappropriately by a parent or guardian, that sort of thing never goes on in the home, right? And even if he ISN’T touching his kids or out in the street doing ‘horrible, horrible things’, he DID a horrible, horrible thing, and this is about punishment for THAT act. HE PLED GUILTY. IT IS NOT IN QUESTION!
SHUT UP, YOU ARE RUINING IT FOR ME.
Billy Corgan
When I was a teenager, he totally spoke to my pain, even though NOBODY understood me, could possibly get the depths of my pain as an upper lower middle class suburban white kid, he did. We were totally going to get married when I grew up. I did the math. It didn’t creep me out as a teenager.
It creeps me out now that I AM an adult and he’s dating girls my age. Also, Tila Tequila? JESSICA SIMPSON!? Really dude? Are you trying to make up for high school, when girls like them wouldn’t even look at you? Or are you trying to make some sort of ridiculous comeback on the shoulders of girls who are even bigger famewhores than you could even hope to be?
…What, I can’t be petty? There was also all that shit he said about the music being ‘sacred’ and that he could never license it for commercial use because it’s ‘saved people’s lives’ and he has more respect for its power than that…and then licensed ‘Today’ for a Visa commercial. And then wrote an exclusive track for a Hyundai commercial. And then released the same album, like, six times to rip off the people who supported him when his music was actually good. I’m mad about the hypocrisy in those things, too. But it’s dating the mid-twenties girls that skeeves me.
There were so many things I loved about Johnny Depp.
…until I realized he looks like my ex. Now I see Johnny Depp and go “eeeeeeeeeww”
Yeah, these days he kind of looks like a fancy hobo. Or your ex.
Which are the same thing. .Ironically, Johnny Depp is MUCH more of a stand-up guy than the ex. That includes his support of Polanski
DAAAAAMN.
Johnny Depp is just an ugly version of my boyfriend.
LET THE NAME-CALLING BEGIN!
pix or it didn’t happen
My brain is mush today. Ignore the bad html response.
Upside down
All the best pictures of him are from when he’s wearing these damn sunglasses
He looks disturbingly like my ex in the first picture. eek, gave me a panic attack!
I think there’s an army of Johnny Depp clones out there.
Oooh, he DOES.
are you friends with yet?
The only thing Austin (yes, that Austin) gets more rankled about than Jenny McCarthy is creationists.
hahaha I should go add him now, then.
Hi!
Patton Oswalt is awesome. Some of his fans, not so much: http://www.facebook.com/posted.php?id=10671482654&share_id=281471652723&comments=1#s281471652723
“Patton – I love ya, you’re beautiful, you’re smarter than God and funnier than Satan – but fuck you. I’m not a fucking moron. I’m just fucking careful with my child, who I can’t just take to the Mac Genius Desk if her hard drive crashes. This update is useful information, but you have to take everything into account if you’re working on NOT being a moron of a parent.”
I’m pretty certain that when someone compares necessary health care to tech support, they probably shouldn’t have a child. Not vaccinating isn’t being ‘fucking careful’, it’s being fucking negligent.
“Oh and what did anyone get out of that article, as usual it tells us don’t question what we are telling you because we are experts. I never heard of this subject she refers to, his study or anything else. She is the founder of SCIENCE FOUNDATION…no agenda there.”
Yeah, science is totally ruled by agendas. Scientists pick a theory that they like, vote on it, and then decide how best to go about trying to prove it.
…I need to stop reading these comments or my head will explode.
I’m so sorry. 🙁
In condolence, let me show you my Jersey Shore-ified self I made out of boredom here. Lawls.
Darlin, you might have pointed out the Johnny Depp thing, but his opinion isn’t your fault!
…that leopard-print background is really a nice touch. 😀
Well, I meant in general. You should have a list of crushes which didn’t disappoint, because I would be interested!
…I’m still trying to figure out how to break the Johnny Depp news to my sister. I figure it would be better if she found out for herself at some point.
And http://www.mtv.com/games/arcade/game/play.jhtml?arcadeGameId=10256275 <--- knock yourself out :D
Let’s see, crushes that haven’t ever disappointed. Hmm.
Penn Jillette–opinionated, intelligent, stands on the right side of the issues (as far as I am concerned). He can run his mouth as much as he wants, I don’t think he could ever ruin it for me.
James Spader–he mostly just keeps his mouth shut off-camera and looks pretty, thus lessening the opportunities for mega-disappointment. Like Jim Carrey, he dropped out of high school AND worked as a janitor, but he isn’t on a crusade to encourage large portions of the population not to vaccinate their kids against debilitating diseases.
Alan Rickman–He seems to live his life in pretty quiet dignity, so it’s doubtful he could ruin it for me, either.
Ha, I remember seeing a story about Spader in the comm, telling how he vigorously berated a poor bagel shop worker to LET HIM IN LET HIM IN LET HIM IN after the shop was closed. The boy NEEDED a bagel real bad, apparently.
YOU SHUT YOUR FILTHY WHORE MOUTH
*cower*
Just to add to your conflict on the Depp thing, reports are that he’s actually planning to bail out Nicolas Cage, who’s more than $6 million in debt due to some weapons-grade stupid decisions. Apparently Depp is still grateful to Cage, who introduced his agent to Johnny back when Depp was still a struggling musician.
Long memories in Hollywood are rare.
Me, I respect Depp as an actor but stay out of his politics, ever since he said he doesn’t want to live in the U.S.
McCarthy, on the other hand, I’ve NEVER liked, even before she got on the anti-vaccine bandwagon.
cheers,
Phil
I suppose it’s nice that people stick by one another when they’re in trouble, but when you’ve got all the money in the world, a six million dollar gesture must not even seem like much.
Oooh, I wonder if Depp will take over ownership of the haunted mansion in New Orleans that Cage bought a while back!
Shortened:
Jim Carrey: BEHOLD THE POWER OF BOOBS!
Johnny Depp: BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY WHICH IS IN NO WAY CREEPY WHEN INVOLVING CHILDREN!
Billy Corgan: ….He dates women? Really? Huh.
And while I love good actors, the kinds of people that can act well enough to become someone else? Tend to be pretty weird.
Don’t take it upon yourself to truncate my excellent work!
😀
Your work was beautiful!
I’m going to go do science on the toilet now.
Do you wear sumo-wrestler underpants, too?
Maybe I do. Maybe I just dooooooooo….
…are you posting this from the toilet?
Maybe. No.
Definitely no.
…yes
WWWWWWWWWWWWeeelp there goes my celebrity crush on you.
I know. I’m not a bad person, really. Okay, maybe a little.
FINE: I LIKE TO MAKE RACECARS OUT OF MY POOP, OKAY? ARE YOU HAPPY??
WHY, BILLY, WHY?!!?!?!?!?!?
I think that’s been the refrain for the last five years or so.
Also: Jenny McCarthy gave her child autism. FACT
How do you figure?
If autism is genetic, it had to have come from her genes.
Unless she received her son from an alien, which is possible. A Crystal alien.
To be fair, it could have been an Indigo alien.
This is true. I wonder what she has against the other colored aliens. She’s racist.
CLEARLY.
You mean Jim?
No, Jim isn’t the father of McCarthy’s kid, actually.
I am woefully (and slightly glad to be) ignorant of the lineage of their offspring.
As a self-proclaimed Jim Carrey know-it-all-up-to-a-point, I just feel compelled to point these sorts of things out. It might be a sickness.
Fair enough.
Who be the baby daddy? (I recognize this is outside your area of expertise perhaps, but I’m taking a long shot here…)
According to Wikipedia, this dude.
He could be on the spectrum….
While I loathe Jenny’s whole crusade and would love to blame her for ALL autism, she didn’t give it to her kid with 100% certainty. Genetics are just one piece of the autism puzzle.
Let’s blame Mr. Carrey instead!
Lastly:
Your Kermit Goatse icon is freakin’ GENIUS!
I was never into Jim (except maybe for like 5 minutes during ‘Eternal Sunshine’) but now I really hate him. I wonder if Jenni’s Oprah-sponsored talk show will ever pan out?
We can only hope it doesn’t. 🙁
Seems like if it were going to happen there would be more noise. I’m willing to do a No-Jenny-Show dance or sacrifice something if it would do any good.
I never thought I would be a ‘WON’T SOMEBODY PUHLEEZE THINK OF THE CHILDREN’ person, but my only concern is really the damage she could do to public health with an open mic for an hour a day with stay-at-home moms.
My concern exactly.
Heart you so hard for this.
I heart you, Tobie! <3
I didn’t know that you were a skeptic and had such science in you. It’s tres hot.
Oh darlin, I’m not a scientist, I barely feel comfortable clutching the ‘humorist’ title. I do, however, have an immense amount of respect for people who dedicate their lives to the thorough testing of theories instead of tossing out whatever sounds good in a sound byte.
Two things: Don’t hate on me but I always loved that Candies ad of Jennie McCarthy. She was also on that MTV show about dates or something, Remote Control? I couldn’t tellya. How he landed her, I have no idea(hugepenix)
I am afraid to watch that vid of Johnny for he is our undeclared mascot at work and his movies kick much ass but I do agree with how you feel about it.
Also- It’s weird that Corgan has come out of hiding. Siamese Dream forever. He creeps me out too. Hold me!
Also Also- muh bf looks alot like Johnny. So I guess I’m biased ;x
Those toilet ads always kind of grossed me out, to be honest. I don’t want to think of #2 when I think of shoes.
…apparently Billy Corgan and Jessica Simpson are working on an album together. 🙁
Dude, well said. I was way disappointed with Johnny’s remarks, too. I said a lot of the same stuff you said here on a friend’s facebook. God damn talented people letting us down.
Thanks, Kat. 🙂
I think I have a celebrity crush on you.
hahahaha is it the oversharing or the froth-mouthed rage that does it for you?
Can’t a guy just have a thing for robutts?
Butt of course!
I love you so hard for your tangent on Jenny McRetarded and Jim Carrey. This is the kind of crap I will have to deal with in the near future because of retards like them. If the mercury in vaccinations caused autism, then we’d all be autistic. And its such a widespread disease. I know a couple of kids with Asperger’s and knew one kid would couldn’t hold a conversation to save her life. Anyway, thank you and I’ll promise you that we will vaccinate our kids 100%. Vaccinations are amazing and we should be grateful we have them.
The extra-scary thing is that even when you vaccinate your daughter, she could still be at risk if enough parents buy into the anti-vacc bullshit, because some vaccinations don’t take with some people for whatever reason and it’s the herd immunity that keeps everyone safe. So Jenny McRetarded is endangering way more kids than even those of the gullible parents. 🙁
I totally agree, and that is one of our fears. Zach is looking into delaying vaccinations, meaning instead of getting 2-4 at once, do one at time for higher effectiveness (MMR is exempt from this as that’s how it’s made and I tested postive for Ruebella immunity at the beginning of my pregnancy!) but everything else, I’d rather space out by a week or two. Still need to do research but all of our kids are getting their vaccinations no matter what. And when I get to be “lucky” and interact with other parents, I’ll be sure to give them a piece of my mind if I learn they don’t vaccinate (and keep my kids away).
I’m old school. I love Gregory Peck. Don’t tell me he was a racist, wife beater or Dallas Cowboy fan. Don’t ruin me. I beg you.