Early Cthulhumas

Last week Wednesday, Jason and I celebrated Cthulhumas early, as he was flying to visit his family for the holidays. We did it up in proper style–I took him out to dinner, he took me out for drinks, and then we went home, opened gifts, and watched Sharktopus, because my man knows what I like. No one cried, so it wasn’t technically a holiday, but it was lovely nonetheless.

At first glance, Sharktopus appears to be about a half-shark, half octopus hybrid, which for some undiscernable reason has both whiskers on its face and bayonets on the tips of its tentacles, neither of which are found on either species in nature. Upon further reflection, I have decided that existence of Sharktopus is proof that Syfy loathes its target audience. The cancellation of Stargate Universe, the mere existence of Caprica–these things were evidence that Syfy kind of disliked the people to whom they cater, but Sharktopus is hard proof, a bayonetted-tentacle slap across the face that screams “OH GOD WE HATE YOU FUCKING NERDS SO FUCKING MUCH AND THIS IS HOW WE’RE GOING TO HURT YOU.”

Bad movies can be wonderfully fun, and given my intense love for trash culture, I enjoy a wide range of B movies, from the earnest-yet-inept to the self-aware. Sharktopus falls squarely into the self-aware category, however, the entire thing is done with a wink and a nod in a sort-of insulting way. “I bet you retards would like to see some dudes get yanked off the side of a boat while eating sandwiches. *WINK* Here ya go, assholes!” “Let’s see, I bet you shitstains would laugh if a stacked girl in a bikini found a gold coin on the beach and was so excited she started jumping up and down, jumbling her jubbly jiggly bits, and then BAM, sharktopus, all while some creepy dude watches and doesn’t help and then takes the coin she found. *WINK* There it is! We just gave you jerkoffs jackoff material for a month. By the way, the creepy dude and the pimpled teenager who shouts ‘AWESOME’ when he sees Sharktopus attack are both allegorical to what we think of you, our audience. Fucksticks.” Look, Syfy–if *I* can see what you’re really saying, it’s obvious. Maybe tone the hatred of your audience down a little? Or turn the production of your made-for-tv crapsterpieces over to someone who isn’t so bitterly resentful that he’s directing this instead of something like Black Swan that he infuses it with all of his loathing? Just a thought.

As far as the gift-giving went, Jason either genuinely liked all of the things I got for him, or he’s a far better actor than anyone in Sharktopus. I had done some snooping around on the internet and found his Amazon wishlist of two items, only one of which would make a suitable gift. He said that one was a genuine suprise, unlike the piles and piles of socks–athletic socks and support socks and squishy socks and fuzzy socks and moisture-wicking socks and god knows what other superpowers dude socks have. This is the thing about dude socks: I am used to purchasing lady socks, which are sold according to the laws of cuteness and softness–there really is no other standard that I have seen. Dude socks are all sold on the basis of performance enhancement, a concept with which I am unfamiliar in terms of socks. Arch support socks, cushion socks, odor-resistant socks, moisture-wicking socks, penis-enlarging socks, 50-yard-dash speed socks, bear-fighting socks, socks that will sneak out of the house at night and slay your enemies while you slumber peacefully…the list goes on and on. How am I supposed to know what sort of sock is the ideal sock? The World’s Greatest Sock? “To hell with it,” I muttered (truly, an embodiment of the holiday spirit), and bought some of each. Maybe we’ll need to hold some sort of sock endurance test, with graphs and charts.

He also said he’d like a t-shirt, maybe a matching t-shirt with me, which is not something I’m super-comfortable with because, hey, I’ve spent a long time building this obnoxious identity and it’s not going to go down without a fight. But I did find something that would make us both happy–the coordinating but not matching glow-in-the-dark Tron shirts at Threadless. I also got him some shower stuff that smells like apple pie, as he mentioned that apple pie is one of his favorite-ever smells–the best part about philosophy shower stuff (in my opinion) is that it smells amazing in the shower or while you’re taking a bath, but the scent doesn’t linger beyond the shower, so you don’t have to smell like apple pie or pumpkin spice muffin or gingerbread or peppermint bark or whatever for the rest of the day.

He got me a boxed copy of “Yo! Noid!” for the NES, a game (surprisingly) made by Capcom that’s essentially a big advertisement for Dominos pizza that I have a lot of nostalgia for that disappeared in the Great Game-Selling of Nineteen Ninety-Something, when my brother decided that the family NES was now his NES so he could pawn it for pennies to Funcoland and get a SNES. I’m not bitter or mad about this at all. Noooooo sir. Maybe a little. Anyhow, when I started working at Gamestop, I began to recollect these NES games, and I got my hands on most all of the titles that I remember playing as a drooling brace-faced child–pretty well all of them save “Yo! Noid!” which never showed up as a trade-in at the store. I had mentioned how bad games hold a special place in my collection and my heart to him in one of our earliest communications, and how it was missing “Yo! Noid!”…and he remembered, and it’s no longer missing.

He also got me this monstrosity:

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Look at how huge it is compared to what I was using before (which was also a gift so I’m kind of loathe to get rid of it, though I have absolutely no idea what I’d use it for)! I hardly know what to do with so much screen real estate. Using Photoshop is going to be awesome now–no more toolbars piled upon toolbars which are piled upon yet more toolbars!

Best non-holiday ever.

32 Comments Early Cthulhumas

  1. variax December 30, 2010 at 12:24 am

    Dude socks should be absorbent, odor-resistant and avoid chafing while still maintaining a solid grip.

    1. admin December 30, 2010 at 12:34 am

      …we’re still talking about socks on feet, right?

      1. variax December 30, 2010 at 12:35 am

        … people put socks on feet?

        1. admin December 30, 2010 at 12:38 am

          ಠ_ಠ

    2. xeross609 December 30, 2010 at 12:48 am

      the perfect “patrol sock”

  2. faerieburst December 30, 2010 at 1:04 am

    YAY BEST NON-HOLIDAY!

    Two thumbs up, would non-holiday again!

    ~Aramada

  3. g33kgrrl December 30, 2010 at 1:21 am

    When I buy work socks (plain black) I often just go for small dude socks (or the largest size in the boy section), because they are so much more *practical* and girl socks confuse me and are also too thin and useless. I also buy my undershirts in the boy section.

    I am glad your presents were a hit, and you two had a good holiday. 🙂

    1. admin December 30, 2010 at 6:11 am

      Girl socks ARE awfully thin, I should get some dude socks (or boy socks, whatev) for exercising.

  4. 1_rhiannon_1 December 30, 2010 at 2:18 am

    socks that will sneak out of the house at night and slay your enemies while you slumber peacefully…

    I kinda would love to have a few pairs of those socks. Just sayin…

    Sounds like an awesome non-holiday 😀

    1. admin December 30, 2010 at 4:10 am

      I’m thinking about picking up a few pairs of those for myself. Enemies beware!

  5. argonel December 30, 2010 at 2:27 am

    Not having seen this particular movie, but having seen similar shows, is it humanly possible to be a worse actor?

    We already have robots and computer programs that are better actors.

    1. admin December 30, 2010 at 4:11 am

      I actually am such a poor actress that I make the Sharktopus actors look like they’re Oscar contenders, sadly.

  6. nicolemarieh December 30, 2010 at 3:18 am

    this is all so very excellent 😀 you guys WIN at Cthulhumas!

  7. highverbalfan December 30, 2010 at 6:00 am

    If you configure your computer to use both monitors, a smaller monitor like that is *perfect* for keeping all your tool/layer/history/etc palettes in Photoshop while using the large monitor as your main work area.

    1. admin December 30, 2010 at 6:08 am

      Hmm, might be worth seeing if I can make room for it on my desk, then. 🙂

  8. cordelia_rose December 30, 2010 at 8:21 am

    Once at work we had to order fireproof socks for one of the school racing teams. I sort of wanted some for myself. >.>

    1. admin December 30, 2010 at 5:57 pm

      Fireproof? How fast are they running!?

  9. lady_sotha December 30, 2010 at 1:48 am

    Mellzah ftw! I give you both multiple high fives from WI!

    1. admin December 30, 2010 at 6:11 am

      I can never resist an opportunity for a high-five!

  10. confusednazgul December 30, 2010 at 5:03 am

    Fun fact: Andy’s stepsister is in the band that did the Sharktopus theme song.

    1. admin December 30, 2010 at 6:08 am

      Every time something like this happens, I want to start singing “It’s a small world after all”.

      1. confusednazgul December 30, 2010 at 7:24 am

        The sad and/or wonderful thing is that it’s pretty much the greatest thing she’s achieved in 30-something years.

  11. whobyfire78 December 30, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    How could you not like Caprica? Caprica was great, and got cancelled well before its time.

    1. admin December 30, 2010 at 5:59 pm

      It was just a total snoozer for me. 🙁

      1. whobyfire78 December 30, 2010 at 6:01 pm

        Fair enough. Supposedly the new hopeful cash cow BSG spinoff is going to be more action based.

  12. conceptcanibal January 13, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    So, because we all are such fans of matching… do you think that Chris and I can wear our Tron Sweatshirts on Saturday and you guys could wear your Tron shirts? And we could go see Tron, again?

    Or well, maybe not, as it’s not playing at the 3 dollar theater. But we could pretend like we’re going to see Tron and instead see For Colored Girls, Morning Glory, or Life As We Know It. I looked it up, all of these romantic comedies/dramas ARE playing at Regal East Valley:)

    I’m so excited for FRIENDSMAS!

    1. admin January 13, 2011 at 8:20 pm

      I’m sure matching could be arranged for Friendsmas!

      OMG I COULD MAKE MY TURDUCKEN FOR US.

      The full list of movies playing at the cheapy theater is:

      Love and Other Drugs (R)

      Glory (PG-13)

      Colored Girls (R)

      Megamind (PG)

      Red (PG-13)

      Life As We Know It (PG-13)

      Secretariat (PG)

      The Social Network (PG-13)

      The Town (R)

      Inception (PG-13)

      Despicable Me (PG)

      1. conceptcanibal January 13, 2011 at 9:01 pm

        I can’t see anything that’s rated over PG:)

        Hmm… I vote we just go there and whatever’s closest to playing we’ll go see!

    1. Mellzah December 7, 2011 at 6:36 pm

      That was very cool, thank you for sharing!

Comments are closed.