DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200

28 Comments read Everything is Terrible
DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200

Apparently some girl named Karalee Buttroof* is in some serious legal trouble in Orange County, and like the adult she is, gave the authorities my work cell number, which has been ringing off the hook and getting filled with vaguely-threatening messages. I, for one, am pretty impressed at the amount of information they’ll hand out over the phone, even after I’ve made it clear that I’m not the Buttroof they’re looking for.

*HAHAHAHA

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28 Comments DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200

  1. zophos February 10, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    Is it pronounced the most obvious way?

    1. admin February 10, 2009 at 9:29 pm

      Yes, yes it is. I can only imagine the tauntings she took in elementary school.

      I, myself, intend to mock her until my throat is sore.

  2. maps_or_guitars February 10, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    I suspect that the name itself is as made up as your phone number…

    1. admin February 10, 2009 at 10:26 pm

      I suppose I’ll never know, but receiving threatening calls for anyone other than a Buttroof is not as funny. 🙁

  3. whobyfire78 February 10, 2009 at 10:03 pm

    That is so awesome.

    Years ago, when I got my first cell phone from Sprint, the first few months I had it I’d get calls from african-american men looking for someone named “Shakarla” wanting to know one of three things:

    1. Was she “open for bidness” tonight?
    2. Why she be late? She better not still be fuckin’ you, man! or
    3. Could she pick up some rock candy on her way over?

    Sometimes they’d give me messages, including their addresses, otherwise they’d leave voicemail for me. I guess I know who had that number before I did, eh?

    1. admin February 10, 2009 at 10:10 pm

      HAHAHAHAHA priceless!

      1. whobyfire78 February 10, 2009 at 10:13 pm

        Actually, one time I was like, “actually, I’m inside her right now dude…” and he got REALLY mad. He was like, “Where do you live? I’m gonna come over there and KILL you. She was supposed to be here with my crack 2 HOURS AGO.”

        I swear to God I’m not making that up.

        1. admin February 10, 2009 at 10:29 pm

          That’s when you say, “sorry, dude, we smoked your crack two hours ago” and hang up.

          1. whobyfire78 February 10, 2009 at 10:33 pm

            actually that Is pretty much the gist of what I said 🙂

          2. admin February 11, 2009 at 10:12 pm

            I am no good with snappy comebacks. I get flabbergasted. 🙁

          3. whobyfire78 February 11, 2009 at 10:18 pm

            Usually Im not so great with them either. I was drunk at the time of this incident, that helped 🙂

  4. lovely_sapphire February 10, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    Just hearing her name makes me wonder what sorts of mischief the girl has been up to!! XD

    1. admin February 10, 2009 at 10:29 pm

      I’m hoping she’s a construction worker who prostitutes herself.

  5. autonomic_pilot February 11, 2009 at 6:43 am

    I’m going to start using buttroof instead of assclown in my common vernacular. I think it has a nice ring.

    1. admin February 11, 2009 at 10:10 pm

      has suggested this definition:

      “Aren’t you going to answer your phone?”
      “Yeah, I’m not answering it. It’s probably the same crazy Cuban fucker who’s been calling me every night for the last goddamn week because he thinks I’m the guy banging his wife.”
      “Haha, you got buttroofed so hard.”

      1. autonomic_pilot February 11, 2009 at 11:30 pm

        See, I like that definition but I fear the opportunities to use it will be so few and far between that I don’t get to say “buttroof” out loud… maybe ever!

        This could be a multi use word…

        1. admin February 13, 2009 at 7:37 pm

          The more I hear the word ‘buttroof’, the better.

  6. shadowstitch February 11, 2009 at 9:53 am

    I’ve spent five years of my life trying to invent an anal bum cover. Failing to do so is my greatest regret.

    1. admin February 11, 2009 at 6:41 pm

      I’m looking to discover the identity of the rapists.

  7. smacksaw February 11, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    I say spend $30 to find out her real info and sign her up for everything, but use YOUR phone number as she did. Bill Me Later magazines, military recruitment, Jehovah’s Witnesses, you name it. When they call you, make sure they are coming over all the time. I mean, she did give YOUR…I mean HER phone number.

    1. admin February 11, 2009 at 6:41 pm

      Hahahahaha! It would be the best $30 I’ve ever spent.

  8. pandemoniachick February 11, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    I think both you and this woman have unintentionally co-conspired to add a fabulous new term to the English language.

    “Aren’t you going to answer your phone?”
    “Yeah, I’m not answering it. It’s probably the same crazy Cuban fucker who’s been calling me every night for the last goddamn week because he thinks I’m the guy banging his wife.”
    “Haha, you got buttroofed so hard.”

    1. admin February 11, 2009 at 10:09 pm

      hahahaha If this definition is adopted by anyone other than myself, you will have made me the happiest girl alive.

  9. mrsamedi February 11, 2009 at 10:01 pm

    If you google buttroof your journal comes up on the first page. You may have started a phenomenon.

    If someone ever did have the last name of Buttroof I think our society would be morally obligated to pay their way through medical school so they could be addressed as Dr. Buttroof.

    1. admin February 11, 2009 at 10:08 pm

      I used to be #1 for ‘clenis’ for a while, too.

  10. designess February 11, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    They used to call me Karalee Buttroof! *ba-dum-ching!*

    1. admin February 13, 2009 at 7:35 pm

      Would this opening line change your opinion of Moby Dick as a classic piece of literature?

      “Call me Buttroof.”

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