An Open Letter to Bananas

Dear Bananas,

I’m breaking up with you. I just can’t take the abuse anymore. You remember our morning tryst a few weeks ago? All day I was miserable, focused on my pain, like someone with enormous hands was reaching inside my torso and forciby twisting my guts. But I didn’t blame you, Bananas. I blamed Pizza, with whom I’d had a short fling the evening prior. Everyone said you were so good for me, Bananas, that you made me a better person by enriching my life. How could I blame you?

Well, this morning, I’m sure you remember that we did our thing again, and since we were exclusive, I have no one else to blame for the pain I currently feel. The pain that makes me clutch my stomach and pray for death. How could you do this to me? I loved you!

Fuck you, Bananas. We are breaking up forever. Your yellow skin and rich potassium content hold no allure for me. I will also ignore your contributions to one of the finest sandwiches ever created. Don’t call me anymore. Especially not on the fucking Bananaphone.

No love,

Mellzah Dildarian

43 Comments An Open Letter to Bananas

  1. vurumai March 4, 2010 at 7:27 pm

    You remember our morning tryst a few weeks ago? All day I was miserable, focused on my pain, like someone with enormous hands was reaching inside my torso and forciby twisting my guts

    Ummmmm…

    Mardi can sell you something easier on your insides.

    1. variax March 4, 2010 at 7:32 pm

      What I want to know is how the pizza factored into these escapades.

      1. vurumai March 4, 2010 at 7:32 pm

        Fingercuffs πŸ˜‰

    2. admin March 4, 2010 at 7:33 pm

      No, no, no, the things Mardi sells are lickable, not edible. Didn’t you see Jason’s demo?

  2. pretzelcoatl March 4, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Oh sh– I’m sorry to hear that. They used to make me go crazy-go-nuts too, and it was a blessed, blessed day when my insides made peace with them.

    1. admin March 4, 2010 at 7:37 pm

      I just do not understand my body. I try to feed it a healthy banana or a salad and it says “OH HELL NO” but it will happily accept the worst foods on earth.

      1. pretzelcoatl March 4, 2010 at 7:38 pm

        My body can no longer withstand fish and chips. πŸ™

        1. admin March 4, 2010 at 7:40 pm

          That’s very sad. πŸ™ Gorton’s potato crunchy fishsticks are one of the happiest foods on earth.

          1. playmoby March 4, 2010 at 7:42 pm

            It says MINCED FISH! have you ever seen a MINCED FISH???!

          2. admin March 4, 2010 at 7:44 pm

            Sure, it’s a particularly effeminate fish. All mincing and swishing about the tank like he owns the place.

          3. admin March 4, 2010 at 7:52 pm

            This is totally a mincing fish.

  3. robotdevil March 4, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    ouch

    Dairy products and I had this conversation a few months ago.

    1. admin March 4, 2010 at 7:45 pm

      Re: ouch

      Oh man, how hard is it to cut out dairy?

      1. robotdevil March 4, 2010 at 7:49 pm

        Re: ouch

        It’s basically not possible. I decided to not drink milk on its own (which was a big help), and I rarely eat ice cream (which sucks, but is probably a big help).

        Cheese and I go way back. I can’t cut the cheese. Out of my diet, I mean.

        1. admin March 4, 2010 at 7:54 pm

          Re: ouch

          ahahaha It may be juvenile but I always enjoy a good fart joke.

          1. robotdevil March 4, 2010 at 7:55 pm

            Re: ouch

            FART JOKE DISCLAIMER: I typed that without thinking about it, then I realized I’d made a fart joke and decided to leave it as is.

            It was sort of a drive-by fart joke.

          2. admin March 4, 2010 at 8:01 pm

            Re: ouch

            Drive-by sounds like a violent fart joke. You really had more of a serendipitous fart joke moment.

          3. robotdevil March 4, 2010 at 8:13 pm

            Re: ouch

            well said.

          4. princessgeek March 4, 2010 at 8:34 pm

            Re: ouch

            I broke up with lattes which is ridiculous since I work across the street from Uptown Espresso. Lattes + me = lots of cheese cutting. *sigh*

          5. echoeversky March 4, 2010 at 9:50 pm

            Re: ouch

            SINNER!

            REPENT!

        2. wildcelticrose March 4, 2010 at 8:41 pm

          Re: ouch

          If I become lactose intolerant, buy stock in the company that makes Lactaid.

          I will NEVER give up cheese.

          I love my cheesy goodness.

          1. admin March 4, 2010 at 8:47 pm

            Re: ouch

            I wouldn’t want to live in a world without cheese.

          2. mschilepepper March 4, 2010 at 10:27 pm

            Re: ouch

            You and me both, sister.

            Ripe bananas give me horrid indigestion; I can only eat them if they’re still about 1/3 green. My Mom’s friend slices them lengthwise and scoops out the middle seedy part, and then she can eat them without mishap. Me, I don’t much bother with them. I’m happy to eat other fruit.

          3. admin March 4, 2010 at 10:39 pm

            Re: ouch

            I’ve always preferred them on the green side, maybe my body was trying to tell me something. The ones that stabbed my guts recently were ripe.

      2. pretzelcoatl March 4, 2010 at 8:52 pm

        Re: ouch

        If my sister’s latent lactose intolerance is any indicator, I may have to soon at some point as well.

        I just pray I don’t get my dad’s problems. He’s allergic to chocolate, red wine, and BACON.

        1. admin March 4, 2010 at 8:58 pm

          Re: ouch

          Talk about a terrible hand of cards to be dealt!

        2. raincitylady March 4, 2010 at 11:20 pm

          Re: ouch

          I get to be allergic to chocolate, dogs and brewer’s yeast, it sucks.

          1. admin March 5, 2010 at 12:36 am

            Re: ouch

            Uuuuuugh I’m sorry!

  4. mcfnord March 4, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    you’ll be back. they always come back.

    “once you go fruit, you never can scoot.”

    1. admin March 4, 2010 at 8:12 pm

      πŸ™ I’m so weak.

    1. admin March 4, 2010 at 8:50 pm

      Well, now that I know that the existence of bananas testify to the genuis of god’s creation, I might need to re-evaluate my stance.

  5. apestyle March 4, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    Japanese Banana God is unpleased with you.

    1. admin March 4, 2010 at 10:04 pm

      WTF, Japan, WTF?

    2. shadowstitch March 4, 2010 at 10:05 pm

      DISCLAIMER: THIS REALLY HAPPENS IN JAPAN.

  6. wildcelticrose March 4, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    Orange and Sweet Potatoes are better sources of potassium anyway.

    and since they don’t come from as far away, they require much less fossil fuel be burned for their import.

    Take THAT Bananas…

    1. scearley March 4, 2010 at 8:43 pm

      but sweet potatoes require more fossil fuel during farming and especially harvesting.

  7. pezking124 March 4, 2010 at 11:26 pm

    Oh God, am I going to have to pick sides?! I’ve known Bananas longer, but you and I are much closer than I ever was with Bananas.

    1. Anonymous March 5, 2010 at 7:44 am

      Oh no, I’m not one of those girls who makes friends pick sides. You can still be friends with Bananas, I will even hang with you while you’re with Bananas.

  8. redrumpirate March 6, 2010 at 1:14 am

    bananananananananaaaa

    you can’t text msg break up ^^

  9. loosechanj March 6, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    I just ate a banana today for the first time in awhile.

Comments are closed.