Date Archives May 2008

An Open Letter to Funcom

24 Comments read Games, Reviews

Dear Funcom,

As the developer of the highly-anticipated Age of Conan, I feel that you should take a good look at the below screenshot:

In case you cannot read the text, it goes:

“I am Sancha, mistress of the Bearded Clam – the finest whorehouse in Tortage! Loveliest girls, strongest boys…Or have you come to ask me of the Hall of the Black Ones? I know where it lies on White Sands Isle. I was there once, with no less a personage than King Conan, and the memories still ravage my sleep.”

FIRE YOUR WRITERS NOW. Also, fire whomever had final dialogue approval. “I am Sancha”–oh cute, an Orgazmo reference. “The Bearded Clam”–oh tee hee, how subtle! “The memories still ravage my sleep”–THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

The only place you’ll read or hear asstacular dialogue like this is in a video game. Even PORN DIALOGUE is more realistic. No wonder people can’t take games seriously as art–when you write like horny, inexperienced fantasy dorks, it shows.

So please, get with the firing.

Love,

Mellzah

I don’t care who knows it.

31 Comments read Reviews, TV

‘Lost’ SUCKS.

THERE, I SAID IT.

Amy has been renting all of the past seasons from Netflix and I’ve watched it on and off, or I hear it in the background while I’m screwing around on Al Gore’s InterTrucks. I tried to give it a chance. I tried. But I hate it.

HAAAAAAAAAAAATE it. I thought the show was merely ok until they introduced ‘the others’, and then my indifference turned into flat-out, full bore, all-systems-go hate. Oh hi, we’re mysterious people on the island for mysterious purpose, and we have a shitton of supplies (that we don’t believe in sharing) and some sort of stupid hidden agenda because the writers needed some more spooky bad guys in case the (ooooooooo!) smoke monster and random horses and polar bears weren’t spooky enough. Also, a complete medical facility, and all manner of electronics that are powered by….? Hamsters?

Introducing more people from the plane as they’re needed? HATE. “Oh, hi, I just happen to be a science teacher at the exact moment you needed someone to tell you about science! My name is Deus. Deus Ex Machina!”

Everyone having sordid backgrounds? HATE. I know a lot of people. A LOT. And not one murderer. Weeeellll, ok, one. But only incidentally because my roommate was dating him. 40 people survive a plane crash and most all of them have killed someone, either on purpose or by accident? Seriously?

Why do people think this show is so brilliant? I just don’t get it. It seems to me like the writers have been careening around, fairly lost themselves.

THERE, I SAID IT.

I EAT BABIES

70 Comments read Everything is Terrible

I have now officially entered the point in my life where my friends are having babies, as evidenced by the not one, but TWO baby showers I attended on Saturday, and the several more over the last month that I was unable to attend and a couple MORE over the next month that I’m totally going to skip out on (SHHHHHHHHHHHHH). It’s not that I don’t love my friends. It’s not that I’m not happy for them. It’s just….how much time do you think YOU can devote to ‘ooohing’ and ‘aaaahing’ over tiny clothes? Take that number and divide it by five, and that’s about my level of baby tolerance.

Plus, this is exactly the sort of idiocy I hate contending with:

Really? Diapers for a baby at Babies R Us? You’re shitting me.

And the HENS who attend those showers, all broody and clucking and bawking about all sorts of things no decent person cares to hear about, like their scrapbooking fetishes and intimate details about their sex lives, bearing in mind, of course, that you’ve never MET THEM BEFORE and, OH YEAH, NEVER ASKED THEM ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

So, what I’m going to need from at least five friends is a sworn affadavit stating that they do not intend to have children, for, say, at least five more years. Notarization is appreciated but not required.

I, _________, do hereby swear to remain baby-free for a period extending to at least five years hence, because my friend Melissa is totally a selfish you-know-what and doesn’t want to share me. I am aware of how babies are made and understand the necessary precautions. I further understand that if I HAVE a baby during this five year period, I am not to ask ‘auntie’ Melissa to baby-sit, for the safety of both her and the baby.

Signed on the ______ day of _______, ______

__________________