“Well, I hope you’re hungry, because heeeeeeere’s dinner!” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Last night I made strawberry jam and a strawberry-rhubarb pie. The jam-making went just fine, though with strawberry mixture AND water boiling for a good long while, my apartment felt like a Roman bathhouse. I hadn’t quite realized how hot it had gotten in my place–when I opened my freezer, cold air billowed out visibly, which is normal-ish for a freezer. Not so much so for a refrigerator, which also puffed out clouds of cold air.

Mmmm, great big widemouth jars of Washington strawberry jam.

By the time I finally got the dough and the filling ready for the pie, it was approaching 11pm. I don’t know if it was a failing of the recipe or a failing of my own at that point, but I remember thinking that it seemed like too much filling had been made, and not quite enough crust. The liquid in the filling crept out over the edges, which made me a little concerned, so I used a baster to remove some of the juice. I covered the edges in foil and popped it into the oven. Thirty minutes later, tendrils of smoke started curling out of the oven.

Uh oh.

Maybe a little filling dripped down and it was burning off.

The smoke started becoming heavier and more insistent.

Shit shit shit.

Why oh why doesn’t my oven have a peep window so I can see what’s going on inside? Oh right, because it was manufactured in the seventies when that icky almond color and faux wood paneling were sooooo chic and window ovens were a dream of the distant future, like sex robots and video games where you could actually tell what the sprites were supposed to be.

Still hovering on the edge of panic, I walked over to the oven and cracked the door to see if perhaps I’d managed to conjure up Satan, and found something MUCH more horrible. The filling had ERUPTED out of this pie. Filling everywhere, rapidly growing in volume like The Blob, wrapping itself around the heating elements and smoking like a prisoner in front of a firing squad. I had two choices…potentially underbake the pie or burn down my apartment.

Hmmm.

Underbake the pie.

Burn down the apartment.

They both had their unique appeal.

Eventually I decided that burning down the apartment could have some consequences I wasn’t fully cognizent of at the moment, given the amount of smoke I’d already inhaled, and pulled out the pie.

The foil around the edges did a marvelous job…of pulling off the outer crust.

Shit shit shit.

It might be edible (I haven’t tried it yet), but it sure isn’t going to win any pie beauty contests; the swimsuit round will kill it.

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Either way, I know what I’m doing tonight.

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75 Comments “Well, I hope you’re hungry, because heeeeeeere’s dinner!” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

  1. scearley June 29, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    making jam is such an amazing thing to me. I don’t understand why people see making tofu is so weird and mystical when – JAM! JELLY! PRESERVES! Come on. WAY more complicated.

    1. admin June 29, 2010 at 5:36 pm

      Not that complicated, actually, at least with fruits. Canning vegetables is another story all together–I won’t even attempt it.

      How does one make tofu?

      1. scearley June 29, 2010 at 5:41 pm

        Soymilk, heated, add coagulant (you can use epsom salt, but I use a refined deep-ocean salt for the flavor).

        The protein chains will link, looking like eggdrop soup. scoop out the “egg” and press it in cheese cloth. Bam.

        The hardest part is making the soymilk.

        Canning requires the sealing, the wax, the sterilizing….man. Way too complicated for me.

        1. admin June 29, 2010 at 5:42 pm

          Neat! Does it taste better/different from store-bought tofu?

          1. scearley June 29, 2010 at 5:52 pm

            If I use the deep ocean salt, or otherwise add flavoring (sage, fenugreek, etc)
            yeah.

            If I use the 1/100th of the cost and easier to get magnesium chloride, no, because I’m making it the same way they make it at the tofu places.

            But I get to make it myself, in the amount I need. If you have the raw soymilk around, it only takes 15 minutes to make a slab of tofu.

        1. admin June 29, 2010 at 6:24 pm

          Re: Tofu posts – making tofu

          That’s really cool! I know you’re super busy at the moment with moving and whatnot–are you going to get back to posting more cooking stuff? 🙂

          1. scearley June 29, 2010 at 6:27 pm

            Re: Tofu posts – making tofu

            I have two that I just haven’t written up yet. My pics are all on my phone, because my camera is dead and I can’t find the charger ATM. But I made pho (meh) and tahini pancakes.

          2. admin June 29, 2010 at 6:28 pm

            Re: Tofu posts – making tofu

            Tahini pancakes sound amazing.

          3. scearley June 29, 2010 at 6:49 pm

            tahini pancakes

            1 1/4c c flour
            2 Tbsp sugar
            2 tsp baking powder
            1/2 tsp salt
            1/4 c tahini
            1 1/4 c water

            makes enough for 2 or 3 people.

  2. entropic_system June 29, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    ….i want a sex robot.

    the future sucks

    1. admin June 29, 2010 at 5:37 pm

      We ALL want sex robots.

        1. admin June 29, 2010 at 5:47 pm

          Every time I think I still want flying cars, though, I think about every OTHER idiot on the road having the power of flight and it makes me shudder a little. Maybe we *shouldn’t* have some things in the future.

          1. entropic_system June 29, 2010 at 5:50 pm

            I’m fine with flying cars as long as I’m the only one that has one. I’ve been waiting for this thing to roll off the assembly lines since high school (was going to build it with my dad), but it’s taken for. ever. to get past the design phase.

          2. admin June 29, 2010 at 5:55 pm

            If you’re the only one who has a flying car, though, the infrastructure won’t be in place for you to actually USE it.

          3. entropic_system June 29, 2010 at 5:56 pm

            Who could stop me? I’d have a flying car, Melzah. Pff – chicks.

          4. admin June 29, 2010 at 5:59 pm

            And THAT’S why you need a sex robot, Mr. Misogynist.

          5. admin June 29, 2010 at 6:06 pm

            That and your horse-killing stories.

          6. entropic_system June 29, 2010 at 6:10 pm

            Hey! Those skins netted me $10, thankyouverymuch! That allowed me to buy ‘Revolver Ammunition.’

            So there.

          7. admin June 29, 2010 at 6:17 pm

            I was talking about the horse latitudes story.

            NOW, I’m calling PETA on you.

          8. admin June 29, 2010 at 6:29 pm

            Ingrid Newkirk said you’re in trouble. She’s going to ‘rescue’ your dogs. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

          9. entropic_system June 29, 2010 at 6:57 pm

            Otis would attack her with his Mega Tongue. She wouldn’t stand a chance.

          10. admin June 29, 2010 at 7:09 pm

            As is my understanding, she only needs to be within five feet of an animal to kill it instantly with her Laser Hypocrite Vision.

          11. scearley June 29, 2010 at 5:53 pm

            I think about how even a fender-bender results in multiple deaths and destroyed buildings below.

          12. entropic_system June 29, 2010 at 5:57 pm

            It would be SOOOOOOO AWESOME.

            “I’m late for work!” ZOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM pew-pew-pew! Zing! wooooosh! POW! [explosion noises]

          13. admin June 29, 2010 at 5:58 pm

            That, too. It’s a fun sci-fi element but real world implementation is a bad idea on a number of levels.

  3. hopefulspirit June 29, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    I had no idea pie filling would explode. Good to know!

    1. admin June 29, 2010 at 5:40 pm

      Anything is possible when *I’m* in the kitchen.

      No wonder my dog runs and hides when I turn the oven on!

  4. highverbalfan June 29, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    “Either way, I know what I’m doing tonight.”

    Eating pie. DUH.

    1. admin June 29, 2010 at 5:55 pm

      While crying and cleaning my oven, that’s about the long and short of it.

      1. scearley June 29, 2010 at 6:00 pm

        You’ve just described 80% of the Lifetime Movies of the week.

        1. admin June 29, 2010 at 6:04 pm

          It needs a good Lifetime movie title. Something Something Betrayal. Ideas?

          1. scearley June 29, 2010 at 6:12 pm

            Possible titles

            Home Cooked Revenge
            The Nanny’s Betrayal
            Strawberry-Scented Pencils: a Pedophile’s Warning
            My Husband the Taxi Dancer
            Tears in the Bread
            My Daughter’s Lunchbox
            Scenes through an Oven Window

          2. admin June 29, 2010 at 6:19 pm

            Re: Possible titles

            My favorites are:
            Strawberry-Scented Pencils: a Pedophile’s Warning
            Tears in the Bread
            My Daughter’s Lunchbox

            My Daughter’s Lunchbox made me laugh out loud!

          3. morlith June 30, 2010 at 3:22 am

            Re: Possible titles

            How about:

            The Upper Crust
            Burnt Offerings
            Handicapped Sweetness
            The Homemaker’s Scars

            (Geez, this is almost too easy!)

          4. admin June 30, 2010 at 4:07 am

            Re: Possible titles

            Love’s Bitter Filling
            Just Desserts
            Too Hot To Love
            Confessions of a Smoker

          5. morlith June 30, 2010 at 4:27 am

            Re: Possible titles

            Brambles in the Berry Patch
            Emotional Spills
            Oven Cleaning and Other Inspirational Chores to Clean Up Her Life
            Berries and Regret

          6. admin June 30, 2010 at 4:36 am

            Re: Possible titles

            These are all so awesome!

            What Happened On Davis Street
            Seeds of Betrayal
            The Bake Sale That Never Was
            A Little Slice of Unhappiness

          7. morlith June 30, 2010 at 5:42 am

            Re: Possible titles

            You’re killing me with “What Happened on Davis Street” and “The Bake Sale That Never Was”. XD

            Oven Mitts and Misunderstandings
            Half-Baked Love
            One Cookie Sheet Short
            Jam in the Household
            Another Mess in the Oven

          8. admin June 30, 2010 at 6:04 am

            Re: Possible titles

            Her Cup Runneth Over
            Playing With Fire
            Burning Desire
            No, I’ll Never Live Up To Your Mother (I’m envisioning this as a miniseries)

          9. morlith June 30, 2010 at 12:52 pm

            Re: Possible titles

            Burned by Love
            The Pie Incident
            A Spill in the Kitchen
            An Oven, A Pie, and Her

  5. helloautumn June 29, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    homemade strawberry jam. yuuuuuum!

    and boo to the oven! i wish that ovens had screens that show you the inside so you know when certain things are done. (then again, i do have a tendency to leave in garlic bread, pizza, potatoes and thensome to burn. booumns.)

    1. admin June 29, 2010 at 6:26 pm

      Yeah, a window on my oven would make my life so much tastier/easier. It runs a few degrees hot, so it’s hard for me to reliably know when things are done–I have to remove them when they start smelling delicious because that typically means burning is aproximately a minute or two away.

  6. xeross609 June 29, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    mmm, pie enflammé

    On a completely unrelated note: Like the Etna icon

    1. admin June 29, 2010 at 6:40 pm

      Thanks! Disgaea is one of my favorite game series ever. 🙂

      1. xeross609 June 29, 2010 at 7:54 pm

        Disgaea is a pretty awesome series. Prinnies are full of win.

        1. admin June 29, 2010 at 7:55 pm

          I picked up the most recent PSP game but haven’t played it yet. 🙂

          1. xeross609 June 29, 2010 at 8:12 pm

            Nice :D. I still haven’t gotten all the way through 3. I get so distracted by leveling up weapons and armor, and these games end up taking me forever to beat XD

          2. admin June 29, 2010 at 8:21 pm

            I’ve beaten one and two, but not three–I actually need to start three over because I got distracted and walked away early in the game and have now quite forgotten the story.

          3. xeross609 June 30, 2010 at 1:38 am

            yah I probably have to restart too. It has been a while and I don’t exactly remember what is happening in the story line.

  7. _boxinghelena June 29, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    Underbaked or not, it looks delicious!

    1. admin June 29, 2010 at 7:07 pm

      Hopefully it tastes delicious!

  8. gldngrrl June 29, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    I usually put my pie on a cookie sheet covered in foil just in case of spillage…

    1. admin June 29, 2010 at 7:54 pm

      That is a GREAT idea and I’m going to do that from now on!

  9. 1_rhiannon_1 June 29, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    It may not be a pretty pie but I bet it still tastes pretty good :o)

    I’m still giggling at the mental image of Satan crawling out of your oven XD

    1. admin June 29, 2010 at 9:04 pm

      The way smoke was pouring out of the oven, it seemed like Satan was a legitimate possibility!

      1. morlith June 30, 2010 at 3:22 am

        “Would you like Pie or Death?”

        1. admin June 30, 2010 at 3:57 am

          Death! No, wait, Pie!

          1. morlith June 30, 2010 at 4:26 am

            Sorry, we’re out of pie…

          2. admin June 30, 2010 at 4:28 am

            Well, so my choice is ‘or death’, then? I’ll have the chicken.

  10. prdct June 29, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    yikes!

    1. admin June 29, 2010 at 9:03 pm

      Yeah, that would be a dose of my patented Kitchen MagicTM.

  11. technophobe1975 June 29, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    Cleaning the oven is one of my least favourite jobs so I feel your pain.
    I hope it all comes off ok.

    1. admin June 29, 2010 at 10:19 pm

      I want one of those magic one-swipe-clean teflon ovens. 🙁

  12. frosty_pickle June 29, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    I’m soooooooo jealous!!!

    I want an almond colored oven with faux wood paneling. 🙂

    1. admin June 29, 2010 at 5:37 pm

      hahaha this one also cooks too hot and doesn’t have a timer. Still want it?

      1. frosty_pickle June 29, 2010 at 5:42 pm

        My oven doesn’t have a timer either. 😛

        It’s metal looking. 🙁

        1. admin June 29, 2010 at 5:48 pm

          I’d swap if we could, I’ve been on the apartment manager to get me a new oven since day one.

          1. frosty_pickle June 29, 2010 at 6:08 pm

            Break it. Then she’ll have to get you a new one right? 🙂

          2. admin June 29, 2010 at 6:27 pm

            Eh, she’d probably just swap it with another cruddy old oven from an empty unit, so there’s really no point.

  13. ladybutterfly74 July 7, 2010 at 4:13 am

    This just reminded me that I have a Marie Calendar’s Cherry Crunch Pie sitting in my freezer that was supposed to be baked tonight….damn it. So tomorrow is bake a frozen pre-made pie day at my house.

    I’m just too lazy to make it from scratch…HAHAHA

Comments are closed.