To get into the holiday spirit, I visited the Garden d’Lights in Bellevue, an annual tarting up of the Bellevue Botanical Garden with over a half million lights…and for cheapass grinches like me, free on weeknights late in November and early in December. We were greeted by a grumpy snowman who looked like he had nothing but foul intentions for everyone, like the world’s most pissed-off snowcone.

^{“Well, it ain’t fucking Frosty!”}

Once we passed his terrifying gaze, the garden was truly spectacular. I had previously believed that strings of lights served two purposes: to half-assedly fling at a tree, and to serve as an object to drunkenly curse at after you’d halfassedly flung them at a tree and they tangled in a knot and wouldn’t turn on. But at the Garden d’Lights, they’re used in all sorts of incredibly creative ways: replicating flowing rivers and animals and all manner of growing things! ALL manner of growing things, including what appears to be a wang in front of a hobbit hole, which my friends have kindly determined should be my new house, since wangs are apparently my bat signal.

^{The smoke is nice, but a flamethrower would be even better. Just saying.}

Of course, it wouldn’t be an outing unless it involved a little horseplay:

^{“Outlander! Outlander! We have your woman!”}

^{Give me the Oscar, already.}

^{One fish, two fish, dumb fish, dumber fish.}

I also cannot pass a gift shop without seeing if there’s something inside that I need to bring home. Ostensibly I say it’s for the memories, but realistically I’m just a strong proponent of consumerism, especially when said consumerism involves pressed pennies. There weren’t any pennies to be found at the Garden d’Lights, but they did have a grumpy owl ornament looking for a home, which made my small heart grow three sizes.

Holiday spirit: achieved.