To be perfectly honest, I don’t even remember know how this disgusting idea came to be. One moment, I was chatting with The Harpies, and the next, I was trying to figure out why no one else had ever tried to market an at-home period suction device that looks remarkably like a turkey baster–the room went silent, I looked up, and everyone had the most horrified looks on their faces, like I’d just suggested we create and sell a photographic version of “The Kama Sutra” with posed taxidermied animals wearing jaunty hats: I knew I had a winner.

I give you The Goddess Juicer. Why wait for nature to take its course, when you can ease its passage and take control of your womanly destiny with a sparkling, rose-scented squeeze bulb?

There are many alarm clocks on this earth, each one designed to wake you up at an hour at which you would not naturally rise, in order to do shit that you don’t want to do. Some attempt to lessen the blow with subtle chimes that are supposed to integrate into your dreams to wake you naturally, while others wake you to music to entice you out of bed, while yet others attempt the “foghorn blast announcing the end of the world” method. These might work at first, but eventually you’ll grow used to them, rolling over to hit the snooze button six or seven times, or maybe even turning the alarm off entirely, leading to an interesting telephone conversation with your boss during which you groggily attempt to understand why he’s asking you if you intend to come into work today.

Congratulations! Your “late to bed, too-goddamned-early-to-rise” problems are solved with my new invention: The Dog/Cat vomit alarm clock. How many times have you been woken out of a deep sleep full of sexy dreams instantly by the sound of a “GURK…GURK..GUUUUURK” occurring somewhere in the vicinity of your home? Unlike conventional alarm clocks which use the same sound every morning, it will randomly choose between a number of vomit and hairball sounds, ensuring that you’ll never say, “Oh, it’s just the alarm clock” and drift back off into sleep…because each time, it could be for real. Are you going to take that chance with your carpets? Remember: your pets always know what items in your home have the most value, sentimental or otherwise, and those are the items that will be destroyed if you allow pet stomach bile to remain on them for more than ten seconds. But wait, you say, if the sound is always coming from the same place, won’t that indicate it’s the alarm instead of a real hurl emergency? It would, if this were a conventional alarm clock. However, this clock comes on wheels and throughout the night, will silently move through your home, stopping in a different spot every morning that will have you rushing out of bed to your kitchen, your laundry room, your office, with paper towels and spot cleaner in hand.

Say hello to being on time for work every day for the rest of your life. Say hello to the Vom-Larm Clock.

I’ve been giving some more thought to the Yankee Candle Scented Puzzles and I think the only way it makes sense to sell them in a store catering to nerds is if they have nerd-friendly themes. Lavender fields and Kinkade-like scenes aren’t cutting it. I believe these Lord of the Rings versions, however, would sell like hotcakes:

Yankee Candle Dwarf: Dirt, Beer, and Pretzels

Yankee Candle Hobbits: Apples, Grass, and Feet

Yankee Candle Orcs: Iron and Ox Blood

There’s so many more potentials–Gollum (fish breath and desperation), Gandalf (pipe weed and discarded fireworks), Lothlorien (haughty flowers and white wine), etc etc. And there are even more if they actually make The Hobbit into a movie–Smaug! More dwarves! More elves!

…I’d buy ’em.