“So, you never learned cursive?” “Well, I know hell, damn, bit…”

FYI, those large-bowl wine glasses from Ikea explode like a bomb when they hit the linoleum from a distance of, say, three feet, leaving tiny nearly-invisible shards everywhere. This is why, prior to being peer-pressured into buying wine glasses by my so-called friends, we drank booze out of juice glasses. And liked it. I may have never actually graduated beyond sippy-cup level–once I dropped a glass on a glass tabletop at a Japanese restaurant and shattered both. Ever hear the adage about the bull in the china shop? That’s me.

And why is it that as soon as I break something, Napoleon noses his way right through the worst of it, like “Hey! Heard you swearing in here, can I join? Hell, damn, ass, fart, crap, boobs, crap!”

Today is my annual eye exam and also annual try-on-six-thousand-pair-of-glasses-frustrate-the-staff-and-leave-without-buying-anything-because-everything-sucks day. Woohoo!

47 Comments “So, you never learned cursive?” “Well, I know hell, damn, bit…”

  1. electriclime July 2, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    I almost ALWAYS drink out of plastic cups at home. It’s just safer that way.

    However, I do have oversized wine glasses that I like to use because I can empty half a bottle into one of those and it doesn’t fill it…which makes me LOOK like less of a whino and this is important to my image.

    1. admin July 2, 2010 at 6:00 pm

      hahahaha that’s why I liked these, until I got into the habit of breaking them. Thankfully, while empty, because no one wants half a bottle of wine dumped everywhere.

      1. electriclime July 2, 2010 at 6:05 pm

        Agreed! For some reason, when a glass of wine shatters on the floor, the wine acts like a magical glue that prevents you from being able to get those little shards up.

        1. iamthedarkangel July 2, 2010 at 10:23 pm

          Get the acrylic kind. It looks like crystal glass but is shatterproof. I have a set of acrylic goblets and everyone always comments how awesome they are and then even more praise follows once they see me chuck it at the ground.

          On a random side note, my captcha says “Predator was”. I picture danny glover finishing the sentence with “one UGLY mofo”.

          1. admin July 2, 2010 at 10:24 pm

            It should only be doing captcha on anon comments. Damnit, I’m sorry you guys.

    2. gldngrrl July 2, 2010 at 6:30 pm

      and when the doctor asks I can say, “oh I drink two glasses of wine a night, a couple times a week”….
      which means- a bottle a night every night.

      1. admin July 2, 2010 at 10:34 pm

        hahahaha it’s important to trick medical authorities. Smartypants know-it-alls!

  2. pretzelcoatl July 2, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    That sucks. 🙁

    I use whatever is handy to drink out of, as I don’t really have any wine glasses. This includes the Domo-kun Slurpee cups I got a few months ago.

    1. admin July 2, 2010 at 10:36 pm

      I didn’t end up getting my hands on any domokun slurpee cups. 🙁

      I’ll have to drink it out of my 3-d effect terminator slurpee cup instead.

      1. madamecacoon July 2, 2010 at 11:27 pm

        I have the domo-kun slurpee cup and it is my #1 choice for alcoholic beverages

  3. frogger414 July 2, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    We have 6 Ikea wine glasses and they haven’t ever broke but I think they are thicker than what you were talking about.

    IMHO I like using juice glasses (ala the Italians) for wine, esp when the evening progresses and people become clumsy but that’s just me. And it’s easier to load the shit outta the dishwasher with normal glasses rather than stemware. But when we have parties we use plastic party cups for wine *gasp*

    1. admin July 2, 2010 at 10:37 pm

      They may be thicker or I might just be clumsier.

  4. scearley July 2, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    cursive is for suckers.

  5. amazoni July 2, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    Try polycarbonate wine glasses, maybe?

    1. admin July 2, 2010 at 10:37 pm

      yeah yeah yeah. Sippy cups.

  6. gldngrrl July 2, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    I break everything glass. Period.

    I have wine glasses but I buy them by the case, on sale, etc to keep the supply up.

    I like drinking out of the fancy glasses, but everyone keeps an eye on me at a certain point and they stand by with dustpan and broom in hand.

    I broke something glass the other day, in my bedroom, ON THE CARPET! I little candle in a jar thing, it was in a large glass dish, they both feel off the dresser (I was dusting violently or something) and the jar shattered, leaving me to have to try to get teeny glass shards with a vacuum.

    I am sure I’ll find some later WITH MY FOOT!!!

    1. admin July 2, 2010 at 10:38 pm

      hahahaha this is why we can’t have nice things!

  7. morlith July 2, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Apparently, Pyrex casserole dishes are my kryptonite in the kitchen.

    I think the death toll is four or five at this point.

    Not only do you get to clean up glass in those instances, it’s shards of thick glass, so if you miss one and you find out about it the hard way, you really pay for it.

    1. admin July 2, 2010 at 10:39 pm

      Yoooooowch. 🙁

      1. morlith July 3, 2010 at 1:28 am

        Indeed! Also, when a Pyrex dish busts, if you drop it, it bounces a few times, looks like it’s going to be okay and then breaks.

        If you accidentally leave it on a hot stove too long, it explodes slightly. :-/

        1. admin July 3, 2010 at 5:06 pm

          I feel like you should be cataloging these events with photos, maybe creating live re-creations, and posting them to a blog titled ‘Pyrex I have broken’.

          1. morlith July 4, 2010 at 4:16 am

            That would mean I want it to be a recurring theme.

            Uh, no.

            =)

  8. hopefulspirit July 2, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    I just bought wine glasses for the first time a few weeks ago but have yet to actually use them. Now I’m a little worried…lol

    1. admin July 2, 2010 at 10:39 pm

      Eh, I’m more accident-prone than the average bear. You should be fine!

  9. weaselmom July 2, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    You need cheering up! I recommend The God_Damn_Batman.

    Breaking glasses, ai yi yi… The hardest substance on earth isn’t diamonds. It’s my frakkin’ enamel kitchen sink.

    1. admin July 2, 2010 at 10:40 pm

      I’m surprised that so far I’ve pretty well only managed to break the cheap replaceable glasses as opposed to the stuff I really like.

  10. luscious_words July 2, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    The Welshman and I both have been able to shatter those so-called ‘shatterproof’ dishes. We do have glasses but we were talking about packing them up and giving them away because we don’t need that many for just us. And if we’re going to have company, we could just purchase a package of plastic cups to use. With three kitties in the house, I don’t need to worry about them (or me) getting glass in a paw (or foot).

    I need to set up my eye exam soon. I like my glasses so if I need to change the prescription, I’d find out if I could just have them change out the lenses in these frames. I do know that I need to get new contacts though. Meh.

    1. admin July 2, 2010 at 10:41 pm

      I need new frames because I’ve broken mine with my enormous head. :\ Usually you can just swap out the lenses though.

      1. luscious_words July 3, 2010 at 12:34 pm

        I’ve broken a few sets of frames myself. And that’s a pain to replace because it’s not something you can budget for. Meh.

        1. admin July 3, 2010 at 5:04 pm

          If you can get them to give you your prescription along with your pupilary distance, you can get glasses online fairly cheaply. I am crazy picky about frames, though, and I’m not typically satisfied with the selection. If glasses are going to be one of the first things people notice about me, I want them to be juuuuust right.

          I also put ~1k into my flex spending account this year, which is money taken from my paycheck pretax and any medical expenses I incur that are not covered by my insurance (in this instance, my shitty vision insurance which is supposedly one of the better vision insurance plans out there but they still don’t cover much), I pay out of pocket and then get reimbursed from the account. It still requires one to front the money which can be hard to budget for in larger amounts but if I submit claim forms immediately I am usually reimbursed within a week. If you don’t use the money in the account by year end, you lose it. So yesterday I ended up dropping $500 out of pocket on a new pair, mostly because I haven’t even touched the flex spending account money yet and the year is already more than half over. The new glasses are beautiful, though. I can’t wait to put them on my face!

          1. luscious_words July 3, 2010 at 8:01 pm

            Agreed on the frames. I like them to be just right and fit my face.

            Oooh, I have a flex spending account too. I use it primarily because my therapist is out-of-network so the amount covered is pittance compared to how much I pay out of pocket. At least I get some covered and as you said, it’s pre-tax. *g*

            Yay for lovely glasses!

  11. 1_rhiannon_1 July 3, 2010 at 12:07 am

    Oh hell, wineglasses make a horrible mess when they crash :S I’ve pretty much outlawed glass in my house – it’s just not worth it!

    1. admin July 3, 2010 at 5:05 pm

      I am hoping one day that my grownup reflexes come in and I stop breaking things, personally.

  12. frosty_pickle July 2, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    I suggest paper cups from now on. 🙂

    Nothing says fancy like drinking wine from a flower print, paper cup. 🙂

    1. admin July 2, 2010 at 5:59 pm

      I could do shots from dixie cups! With images from the Lion King right on the cup!

      1. stationary_jew July 2, 2010 at 6:03 pm

        You just know Timon and Pumbah would have been drunk at all times, given the opportunity.

        1. mschilepepper July 2, 2010 at 9:25 pm

          I’m pretty sure Pumbaa WAS drunk all the time. Those were *beer* farts he was floating constantly.

      2. frosty_pickle July 2, 2010 at 6:13 pm

        Haha, I would actually like that if I still drank. 🙂

    2. scearley July 2, 2010 at 6:16 pm

      Just drink out of the bottle.

      Or, the box. That’s what the ritzy folk do.

      1. admin July 2, 2010 at 10:35 pm

        Pshaw. I’m going to take the bag right out of the box and squeeze it into my mouth like a giant juicebox.

    3. madamecacoon July 2, 2010 at 6:30 pm

      Alcohol dissolves those. Ask me how I know.

      1. admin July 2, 2010 at 10:35 pm

        How do you know?

        1. madamecacoon July 2, 2010 at 11:17 pm

          Somebody in my old office kept vodka in her file cabinet. They only have paper cups in the kitchens. I had to chug to keep from getting it all over my desk.

          It helped with the data monkey task, at least.

          1. admin July 3, 2010 at 5:07 pm

            The baby dixie cups do all right with jello shots so long as they’re consumed within a day or so. Much longer and the cups start to dissolve. :\

          2. madamecacoon July 3, 2010 at 5:14 pm

            Chris pointed out to me that non-MS cups have a convenient wax lining. Being made out of corn probably didn’t help, either. I had about 10 minutes before I had to chug.

  13. ladybutterfly74 July 7, 2010 at 7:20 am

    Because my husband obsesses on Mythbusters…

    Did you know that should a bull be set free in a china shop…. it would actually avoid almost all if not completely all the china?

    They actually set up shelves in a bull pen and put dishes on them and set a bull loose in the pen. The bull actually avoided all the shelves and ran between them.

    I don’t know why…I just had to share that. We watch a LOT of the discovery channel here. LOL!!

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