Ranger Brad, I’m a scientist. I don’t believe in anything.

I love trolling the mega-clearance shelves at Half-Price Books, because I never know what manner of awesomeness or ridiculousness I’ll run into for a dollar.

This time, I struck gold with ‘Vampires: The Occult Truth’ by Konstantinos, which purports that vampires are not only real, but there are several different types and you need to be familiar with all of them in order to protect yourself. As early on as page two, the book has such laugh-until-you-cry statements as “I consider those who are interested in the occult to be the scientists of the future.” Not just scientists. Scientists of the future.

Later on in the book, he reveals a number of letters he’s gotten from ‘mortal blood drinkers of the present day’ also known as big giant freakshows.

I would like to tell you of my vampiric lifestyle. You may print this letter under the condition that you do not reveal my true identity in your book. Where I live, word travels quickly and I would most probably be ridiculed and forced out of town. For that reason, you can call me the Vampire Jeremy.

Why do I consider myself to be a vampire–a predator? I kill animals and drink their blood, that’s why. Don’t confuse me with the types of so-called vampires that you hear about today. They do not impress me. They do not hunt their prey, but only stick hypodermic needles into themselves to trade blood. They are not hunters.

To obtain my sustenance I mainly kill mammals, but I will also drink the cold blood of reptiles. I suppose that my drinking from lower creatures than humans makes me a little like the character ‘Renfield’ from the novel Dracula. But I am not insane.

I wait for immortality and drink of the lower creatures until a noble undead will one day take me as his or her own. I wait and believe that night will come, and have prepared for it.

There are letters from vampires who talk about getting badly sunburned while playing minigolf. There are letters from vampires who try to contact immortal vampires through ouija boards. There are letters from single-mom vampires. Some claim to possess spooooooky powers. They nearly all insist they are not crazy like all of those OTHER nutcases who think they’re vampires.

Here’s an excerpt from another pricelessly funny letter:

I will tell you one more thing: Do not fool yourselves, dear friends. You do not make a discovery here with me or any others of my species. We are as old as time itself. The books and films are simply what they are. Most do not even scrape the surface of the contents of our being. So do not try to understand. That would be like lifting eternal veils of a faceless bride.

I can pretty well claim that this is one of the best things I’ve ever spent a dollar on. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go print some new business cards. Mellzah Dildarian, Scientist Of The Future has a nice ring to it.

60 Comments Ranger Brad, I’m a scientist. I don’t believe in anything.

  1. entropic_system August 14, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    I am an all-powerful vampi…wait. Wait! Don’t give me another wedgie!! ARRRRRRG! Not the swirly! NOT THE SWIRL…GLUBGLUBGLUB…

    1. admin August 14, 2009 at 5:15 pm

      DON’T TOY WITH ME I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL VAMPIRE JEREMY

      :sobflounces:

      1. entropic_system August 14, 2009 at 5:24 pm

        hISSSSSSS! HSSSSSS!!!! HSSSSS…*tooth pops out*

        …damn.

        1. admin August 14, 2009 at 5:48 pm

          I would run away in shame but my flowing cape is caught in the door.

          1. mschilepepper August 15, 2009 at 3:21 am

            Didn’t you see The Incredibles?!? NO CAPES!

          2. admin August 15, 2009 at 7:32 am

            Pfft. Vampires are immortal elegant beings with their capes caught in doors. They do not watch movies!

      2. cleahpatra August 14, 2009 at 6:33 pm

        tehheeheh! SOBFLOUNCES! SO TRUE!

  2. la_roja August 14, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    I’m jealous.

    1. admin August 14, 2009 at 5:14 pm

      You can be a Scientist Of The Future, too!

      1. la_roja August 14, 2009 at 5:23 pm

        I was referring to your awesome book finding skills actually. But I’m not one to turn down a title!

        Scientist Of The Future! WOOT!

        1. admin August 14, 2009 at 5:43 pm

          I found one that I’m even more jazzed about that wasn’t clearance–a book by Tom Savini, special effects & makeup guru behind Dawn of the Dead, Friday the 13th, Creepshow and more, detailing step by step how he acheived those effects.

          I swooned right there in the store.

  3. apestyle August 14, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    So apparently anyone in the world can get a book published. ANYONE.
    I’m on the case.

    1. admin August 14, 2009 at 5:19 pm

      Yeah, I really have no excuse at this point for not being a published author other than laziness.

    2. scearley August 14, 2009 at 7:36 pm

      they’re almost always self-published to get sold at conventions or gatherings or whatever.

  4. rimrunner August 14, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    Ooh! Ooh! Can I be a Scientist of the Future too? I know about many spooookie occult things…

    (I do have one friend who has very bad reactions to sunlight—like, her skin blisters if she stays in the sun too long. She’s very pale AND of Hungarian extraction. Naturally, we joke about her being a vampire…OR IS IT A JOKE, REALLY?? O_o)

    (Also: “eternal veils of a faceless bride”?? What does that even mean??)

    1. admin August 14, 2009 at 5:47 pm

      I hereby dub thee a Scientist of the Future!

      …if I had any idea what ‘eternal veils of a faceless bride’ meant, I might not find it so hilari-tacular. I think the letter writer pretty desperately wanted to come off as mysterious and spooky and wrote himself directly into FAIL, do not pass go, do not collect vampiric groupies.

    2. maps_or_guitars August 14, 2009 at 5:48 pm

      I think it’s like “tiresome peeling of the forever onion” or “the weeping of the endless leeks.”

      Or the relentless whacking of the FAPFAPFAP.

      1. admin August 14, 2009 at 5:53 pm

        The perpetual humiliation of the delusional nerd?

        1. maps_or_guitars August 14, 2009 at 6:55 pm

          Also, whiskey tango foxtrot with every single goddamn television show I see advertised being vampire based? I’m hoping to see a vampire reality show occur, causing an implosion of television forever.

          1. admin August 14, 2009 at 6:58 pm

            Not even just vampire based, but forbidden vampire romance based! It makes me want to stake that twilight author through the heart for ruining vampires. And then I remember Anne Rice and want to go on a staking spree.

          2. scearley August 14, 2009 at 7:39 pm

            Douche vampire romance started with Buffy. That dude who’s on Bones now had his spinoff where he was a totally emo weenie who was filled with self-loathing and wouldn’t even drink human blood.

            At least in the Russian novels of this type (The Night Watch series is what I have in mind) has a licensing program for vampires to occasionally hunt a human when the pig’s blood isn’t cutting it.

          3. admin August 14, 2009 at 7:51 pm

            I thought Anne Rice’s douchey romance vampires were around before that? But you’re right, Angel was particularly wimptacular.

          4. scearley August 14, 2009 at 7:56 pm

            I only read one of her books, I don’t remember her vampires being self-loathing and emo. I remember them as being dramatic, and the types who would be hit in the head during dodgeball.

          5. admin August 14, 2009 at 8:00 pm

            Oh man. Pick up Interview With The Vampire. Louis is pretty much the original Emo-pire.

          6. whobyfire78 August 14, 2009 at 8:15 pm

            Oh my God. The Night Watch movie was fucking fantastic.

  5. dslartoo August 14, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    http://www.konstantinos.com/

    He was also in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, playing himself on a round-table discussion on the Vice City Public Radio station. It was hilarious.

    cheers,
    Phil

    1. admin August 14, 2009 at 6:01 pm

      Frames? In 2009?

      The Douche Prosecution rests, your honor.

  6. cleahpatra August 14, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    I like that a book explaining vampires has intentionally included a letter that tells you that you CAN’T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND them. Doesn’t that make the book moot?

    Oh no, I suppose he meant for it to make you curious.

    Curious about FUTURE SCIENCE!

    We have some pretty bad books, but this one is definitely among the best!

    1. admin August 14, 2009 at 6:56 pm

      The author write an introduction to each letter and he all but called the writer of the last excerpt a liar. đŸ˜€ But I’m not sure how it supports his ‘real vampires’ theory. It’s puzzling, to be certain. Puzzling like a Rubix Cube with one pink sticker.

  7. whobyfire78 August 14, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHA.

    Oh my God, I’ve read that book. Pretty much ANYTHING published by Llewelyn (which is headquartered here, BTW) is good for a similar laugh.

    1. admin August 14, 2009 at 7:00 pm

      I wonder how many of these hilarious books I can have in my apartment before it scares away boyfriends who get the wrong idea about why I have them?

      1. whobyfire78 August 14, 2009 at 7:05 pm

        I highly recommend:

        -Green Witchcraft
        -Green Witchcraft II
        -Green Witchcraft III

        1. admin August 14, 2009 at 7:17 pm

          Is it about witchcraft that turns one green and makes one look more witchlike? Or is it spells for jealous witches? Or is it eco-friendly witches who are concerned about all of the burning they need to do in their spellwork?

          1. whobyfire78 August 14, 2009 at 7:24 pm

            None of the above!

          2. admin August 14, 2009 at 7:41 pm

            Is it for already-green witches who want to return to a normal hue but can’t afford weirdo plastic surgeon bleaching treatments?
            For witches who want to make money? For witches who want to grow a powerful army of people-eating plants? For witches who want to reside in the emerald city?

            Throw me a bone here!

          3. whobyfire78 August 14, 2009 at 8:12 pm

            It’s for Witches who don’t think regular Wicca is earth-y and nature-y enough…how to communicate with forest creatures and tree spirits and shit.

          4. admin August 14, 2009 at 8:15 pm

            …This requires three books?

          5. whobyfire78 August 14, 2009 at 8:17 pm

            The hilarity in II and III are that they’re almost exactly the same as the first one.

          6. cordelia_rose August 15, 2009 at 9:54 pm

            On man, did they do the ones on shape shifting and familiars? I always wanted to see how awful those were.

  8. nihil_duce August 14, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    That would be like lifting eternal veils of a faceless bride.

    Ok, that right there. That’s practically a demand for me to take their milk money.

    1. admin August 14, 2009 at 7:44 pm

      Technically, wouldn’t it be…(wait for it)….blood money?

      *rimshot*

  9. scearley August 14, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    This reminds me of the passionate letters that occasionally come to me at whatever philosophy department I’m with. Desperate for someone “as astute as” myself to read their work and give them feedback. I used to play along in the beginning.

    And I’d end up with self-published books of various degrees of quality that had “philosophies” including things as to why teenagers get acne on their face (“because that area of the skin is most subjected to the wind”), or how Lennon and McCartney had to be tools of Communist “mindthought” because it’s otherwise impossible that two people could create so many songs that so quickly become part of Western “mindthought.”

    I stopped responding. Too many of the letters started “I’m writing for my [friend|uncle|cousin] who has written a work of philosophy and wishes that it reach an audience of successful thinkers” blah blah. That’s the curse of being the first academic philosopher into the web.

    I don’t get these letters anymore because I refuse to maintain a mailbox on a campus anymore. Imagine every piece of dumb email you get about how the fridge is going to be cleaned out, or there were car prowls on campus, or that the computers will be shut down for an hour on Friday night at 10pm. Now imagine every one of them printed out and stuffed in your mailbox along with monthly letters from TIAA-CREF asking you to open a retirement account and the different fly-by-night overseas study places, etc.

    1. admin August 14, 2009 at 7:46 pm

      I’ve been meaning to ask you to look at my life’s work: Serious Theories On Puppies.

      1. scearley August 14, 2009 at 7:47 pm

        Only if it includes a method on how to brush their teeth as the first step to canine mind control.

        1. admin August 14, 2009 at 7:53 pm

          It’s in the chapter titled ‘Chicken-Flavored Toothpaste And You or How To Build A Dog Army’.

  10. weaselmom August 14, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    The Vampire Jeremy? What sort of lameass vampire name is that? Does he hang out with his buddies the Vampire Doug and the Vampire Mitch? Shouldn’t he have a name like Lord Spooky von BloodOrange or something?

    1. admin August 14, 2009 at 7:48 pm

      I guess he thinks he’s a step cooler/tougher than the Vampire Melvin or the Vampire Poindexter.

  11. faerieburst August 14, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    Wait, wait, what?

    He “considers himself to be a vampire–a predator”, ’cause he kills animals and drinks their blood. But he’s not immortal, no he’s waiting for that. And he’s not undead. He’s waiting for one of those to show up and adopt him. So really, he fails on most every count of “what is a vampire.” That’s so precious.

    I love this:
    “Where I live, word travels quickly and I would most probably be ridiculed and forced out of town.”

    Dude, if word got out that you are killing animals (where are you getting these animals? Stealing neighbourhood pets? Getting them from shelters?) and drinking their blood, “ridicule” is gonna be the least of your worries. You killed Fluffy for your “Soooooomeday My Vampire Will Come” ritual, you’re gonna be facing a lynch mob.

    Douche.

    ~Aramada

    1. admin August 14, 2009 at 7:57 pm

      I wish I could find that thread on LJ where some nutbag claimed scientists steal neighborhood pets to do animal testing, because that would tie this whole vampire science rodeo thing together!

      1. faerieburst August 14, 2009 at 8:12 pm

        ::nods:: It would certainly put a stake into the debate.

        ~Aramada

        1. admin August 14, 2009 at 8:41 pm

          I love sinking my teeth into a good mystery.

          1. faerieburst August 14, 2009 at 9:01 pm

            I see a problem with your sentence in this context: while how these people manage to function on a day to day basis is truly a mystery, I sincerely doubt it can be described as “good.”

            I could expound upon the banality of their delusions, but really, that would just be beating a (un)dead horse.

            ~Aramada

          2. admin August 17, 2009 at 10:21 pm

            Well, I’m not certain it is a mystery but it seems reasonable to assume that these individuals are involved in capers.

  12. cordelia_rose August 15, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    I would not be suprised is my favorite roommate and good friend has a copy somewhere… in a completely unironic way. >.<
    But then, maybe I could steal and read it.

    1. admin August 17, 2009 at 10:18 pm

      If your roommate has a copy, grab it and brace for kidney-ejecting gales of laughter.

  13. mrsamedi August 16, 2009 at 2:53 am

    God, this book shows how completely uneducated I am. I thought I was supposed to use a Ouija boards to contact ghosts, not immortal vampires.

    FAIL.

    1. admin August 17, 2009 at 10:19 pm

      Whoa, whoa, I thought you were supposed to contact ghosts through 2 hands of lackluster poker in a basement!

  14. poetrix618 August 18, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    Wow.

    Thanks for the laugh.

Comments are closed.