My Middle Name Is ‘Sucker’.

I will admit it. I bought Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust out of nostalgia for the days when Eric Stacey and I played the original while his parents weren’t home and we had to guess at all of the questions you had to answer to prove you were of age to play. It was a twenty dollar impulse buy. It was a mistake.

I like kitsch. I like bad movies. I occasionally enjoy bad games. I was able to derive genuine enjoyment from Sneak King. I thought, “Why not, Melissa? At the very least, it will be funny.”

No. No, it isn’t. It isn’t funny and it isn’t fun.

The writers clearly felt they were clever dudes, and filled each loading screen with an absolutely HI-larious tip, like “You’ll never be able to convince your girlfriend it’s good for her just because it’s filled with protein” and “Real girls are scary anyway” and “Buy a copy of this game for your grandma on her Birthday[sic]” OH HA HA HA HA HA, gentlemen!

The first time (yes, you read that correctly) I played this game, I put about an hour of time into it trying to even FIND the first mission as the minimap AND the camera both suck, and for my time and efforts, I got stuck in some geometry and had to start over. Instead of ripping the disc out and flinging it across the room, I decided that in order to punish myself for my rash purchase decision, I would play the game through to 100% completion and then destroy the disc.

I spent a not-insignificant number of hours playing this game. Here are my grievances. The game entertains the notion that it’s a sandbox style game; in order to complete missions and collect all of the little fucking golden statuettes scattered across the map, you need to execute parkour-like moves up and across buildings and every surface. Unfortunately, the controls are utter shit–unresponsive and inconsistent, and the geometry is also inconsistently designed. Ledges that you should be able to jump to and things you ought to be able to climb on are blocked off by invisible walls that shimmer when Larry slams into them at full speed at a height that will kill him as you can’t recover from a fall. If Larry runs anywhere near a moving golf cart, he turns into a boneless mass and flops down on to the ground. The AI consistently walks and drives into corners, and gets stuck in geometry until eventually they disappear. Larry looks like a poster child for Axe body spray, meaning I’m fairly sure that any time you’re not watching him onscreen, he’s off raping someone. Everyone else just looks freakish. There are characters roaming all around the world map, but you can only interact with specific people on missions, so the NPCs repeat the same two sentences over and over “Watch the hands, mister” and “Hey! I’m walkin’ here!”. You’d never know they paid well-known actors and actresses as voiceover talent unless they advertised it because the cut scenes are so atrocious that all you can focus on is how terrifying everything looks in-game. The dialogue is terrible. I’ve had funnier looking things come out of my various orifices than anything that happened onscreen.

However, my largest grievance is this: I collected a lot of statuettes in the hours I played. I was working my stats up to several different achievements. I saved my game (and there are not many places you can save your game which is also a hunk of shit) so I could take a dinner break, and when I went back to load my game…something had glitched and all of my progress up to the save was gone. WHAT. THE. FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK!?!

I will NOT redo all of that work. I don’t have the time to play through to 100% completion in one sitting, and frankly, that’s a punishment even I don’t feel I deserve. So, I leave to you, dear friends: What do I do?

*edit* I have called Gamestop and they will give me eight whole dollars for the game if that affects your vote one way or another.

 

26 Comments My Middle Name Is ‘Sucker’.

  1. aquariumspast May 12, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    Just so you know, I would have voted for “Send it to the IRS.”

    1. admin May 12, 2009 at 7:50 pm

      I wonder if I can sign it with a drawing of a spider and tell them it’s worth $500.

      1. aquariumspast May 12, 2009 at 9:04 pm

        Now you’re talking…

        Actually, if you sent it with a spider outfit you made, it probably WOULD be worth $500…

  2. madamecacoon May 12, 2009 at 8:05 pm

    I bought Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust out of nostalgia for the days when Eric Stacey and I played the original while his parents weren’t home and we had to guess at all of the questions you had to answer to prove you were of age to play.

    Wow. Way to bring me back. I remember doing the exact same thing, although I totally can’t remember anything about the game other than that.

    1. admin May 12, 2009 at 8:12 pm

      I remember very little else about the game other than that–I remember we bought condoms and the store owner mocked us for being freaks who wanted grape-flavored something something rubbers. I think we got VD and died from having sex with a hooker. I think. Most of my joy probably came from the fact that we weren’t supposed to be playing it.

      1. madamecacoon May 12, 2009 at 8:16 pm

        Most of my joy probably came from the fact that we weren’t supposed to be playing it.

        Amen to that.

      2. gray_jedi May 12, 2009 at 11:50 pm

        Haha, that’s always the part I remember. He asks you a million questions about what kind of condoms you want, then a bunch of people pop up out of nowhere and mock your choice.

        And weren’t buckazoids the currency of choice? I forget.. most of my Apple IIGS time was given over to Marble Madness and Dungeon Master.

        1. admin May 13, 2009 at 12:09 am

          Hmm, I don’t remember. I should ask Eric. πŸ˜€

  3. rimrunner May 12, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    Personally I’d have gone with “Call my buddy who collects high-powered rifles and ask when we’re going to the gravel pit next”, but that’s just me.

    1. admin May 12, 2009 at 9:32 pm

      If I knew someone who collected high-powered rifles, I would be all over that.

  4. echoeversky May 12, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    Give the gift..

    of evil, to a friend. πŸ˜‰

    E.

    1. admin May 12, 2009 at 9:55 pm

      Re: Give the gift..

      I would NEVER inflict this on a friend. Although to be fair, at first I tried to convince to help me with the game for a bit.

      1. agentdanak May 12, 2009 at 10:29 pm

        Re: Give the gift..

        perhaps he means, in his decoder ring way, to give it to a friend you ~*HATE*~.

        1. admin May 12, 2009 at 11:07 pm

          Re: Give the gift..

          yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah but I don’t so much keep people I dislike on friendly terms.

          1. agentdanak May 12, 2009 at 11:08 pm

            Re: Give the gift..

            you could ninja mail it πŸ˜›

      2. echoeversky May 13, 2009 at 5:32 pm

        Re: Give the gift..

        Evil does not discriminate πŸ˜‰

        Share the *cough* love! πŸ™‚

        E.

  5. captain_slinky May 12, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    http://www.swaptree.com

    Been doing it for about two weeks now and i can honestly say that it’s the BEST WAY to get rid of the stuff you hate to admit that you own but don’t want to settle for the piddly amount that used item buyers are willing to give you for it.

    I’ve successfully gotten rid of WWE Smackdown for the PS2, Jerry Seinfeld’s “I’m Telling You For The last Time” DVD and a few Wolverine TPB’s so far. And I have received NEW ITEMS that I will of course soon regret, but now all I’ll have paid was $2 for shipping instead of $20 for a brand new something that disappoints!

    1. admin May 12, 2009 at 11:09 pm

      Hmm. I will keep that in mind, but then I don’t get the satisfaction of the CAMPAIGN OF TERROR.

      1. captain_slinky May 12, 2009 at 11:17 pm

        Well sure, but does the CAMPAIGN OF TERROR preclude the notion of then trading away the offensive material in question?

        1. admin May 13, 2009 at 12:06 am

          The CAMPAIGN OF TERROR works as such:

          I create a swath of destruction so wide by making 1: the developer 2: the publisher 3: gamestop 4: anyone tangentially involved so miserable that they give me whatever I want. Usually this will involve furious letters, phone calls, and insults freely flung about their mothers, girlfriends, and state of their genitals. Sometimes, it involves destroying the product involved with a sledgehammer. If it’s no longer in my possession, the product and I wield less power in the CAMPAIGN OF TERROR.

          1. captain_slinky May 13, 2009 at 12:13 am

            *pffft*. Must not be much of an uncontrollable psychotic rage if it can be lessened by the absence of physical properties. That’s all I’m sayin’.

            Personally, I think that this reliance on a physical avatar for your rage is holding you back. It’s a crutch. It’s Dumbo’s Magic Feather.

          2. admin May 13, 2009 at 12:28 am

            The idea is not uncontrollable psychotic rage, but rather, a rage that is entirely under control yet unstoppable until the focus of my ire is resolved to my satisfaction. Without the item in question, the focus and reason of my ire is removed from the equation, making it less urgent for the offending parties to resolve the issue.

    1. admin May 12, 2009 at 11:08 pm

      <3 <3 <3 <3

  6. fete_pindon May 13, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    CAMPAIGN OF ASS WIPING IN THE UK.

    1. admin May 13, 2009 at 6:01 pm

      I’m not sure that would quite have the impact I’m going for!

Comments are closed.