Mellzah, the crotch-biting sloop

I don’t know what it is, but every time I go to the U-district, I’m overwhelmed by the urge to run people over. The ‘slow down; think of the impact you could make’ signs everywhere don’t help matters; I feel as if I’m being dared.

Perhaps it’s the late-teens who are so in luuuuuurve, they can’t stop looking at one another long enough to get out of the road that drive me to thoughts of murder. Perhaps it’s the high concentration of the surliest hobos Seattle has to offer. Perhaps it’s the hipsters who stand on streetcorners smoking cigarettes who might cross the street while you’re trying to turn and might not, and will stand there while you wait for them to go, but dart across the second you try to turn. Perhaps it’s the legions of girls in legwarmers who look like reject backup dancers from the Love is a Battlefield video. It could be a combination of those factors. All I know is that I not-so-secretly desire to run into a cluster of them and have a few carrom off of my car and directly through the American Apparel showcase windows to see if anyone can tell the difference between the victims and the mannequins.

Last night, I fought off my urge to kill and went with daemonwolf, variax, and winik to see ‘The Animation Show 4’, which was pretty much 90 minutes of ‘Whoa awesome’, ‘hahaha’, and ‘what.the.FUCK’, respectively. One of the animator’s names? Dildarian. That is an EPIC last name. And as variax mentioned, it would’ve made a great arcade game title in the 80s. I’m thinking screw my proud german-italian-swedish-english-gypsy-mutt heritage. Melissa Dildarian has a hell of a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

You know what’s better than watching a movie with your friends on a Monday night? Having the whole theater to yourselves. It was like being a multi-millionaire with a private theater without all the taxes and parasites like Paris Hilton hanging around. If only they’d let me hook up my xbox; then I’d never want to leave.

24 Comments Mellzah, the crotch-biting sloop

  1. robot_mel July 1, 2008 at 5:27 pm

    My birthday card arrived today! 🙂

    Thank you!

    1. admin July 1, 2008 at 5:31 pm

      That was a fast trip across the ocean, I shipped it out on Friday! 🙂

      1. robot_mel July 1, 2008 at 5:36 pm

        Wow! Shipping is good these days.

  2. scearley July 1, 2008 at 5:29 pm

    A last name like “Dildarian” demands an equally munificent first name. I suggest “Analyx.”

    Analyx Dildarian. Just consider it.

    1. admin July 1, 2008 at 5:32 pm

      Oh man, that’s pretty awesome. But if I do that, a whole bunch of autographed books will look like I stole them from someone named Melissa.

      1. scearley July 1, 2008 at 5:44 pm

        My original thought was Petra Dildarian, since Analyx Dildarian sounds a bit too ‘Douglas Adams Character’ for my tastes. Petra Dildarian sounds like a name for a dark-haried eastern-bloc filminatrix who oozes art.

        I’ll cogitate on variations of Melissa.

        1. shadowstitch July 2, 2008 at 4:25 am

          What, “Mellzah Dildarian” isn’t chic enough for ya?


          I don’t know why I made that.

  3. poetrix618 July 1, 2008 at 6:49 pm

    The Animation Show 4? Oh god, don’t tell me it was a showcase of collected animation shorts…I will be sooooo heartbroken I missed it.

    People actually wear leg warmers outside the dance studio? Tards. Run ’em down for me.

    And re: the feckin idiot darters who loiter on the corner until you finally turn, my feeling is if you choose to act like roadkill, then wish granted!

    Why do pedestrians in this area feel they don’t need to take ANY responsibility at all for their safety? WTF?

    1. admin July 1, 2008 at 7:21 pm

      It is indeed a showcase of collected animation shorts. You should go see it. The last show is on the 3rd, so you’ve got a couple more days to squeeze it in. 🙂

      Those sorts of pedestrians vary by area. The U-district/Cap Hill are full of pedestrians who can’t be bothered to look for fast-moving heavy objects headed in their direction, and in other areas, people will patiently wait for the crossing signal even if there are no other cars visible for blocks!

      1. variax July 1, 2008 at 7:23 pm

        “people will patiently wait for the crossing signal even if there are no other cars visible for blocks”
        Hey, if Wonder Woman’s driving her Invisible SUV and hits me while I’m jaywalking, it won’t be HER insurance that pays for my medical bills.

        1. admin July 1, 2008 at 7:30 pm

          Do Wonder Woman’s invisble hooptys make her invisible, too? Because I think otherwise you’d see the reflection off of that WWE belt from miles away.

  4. mschilepepper July 2, 2008 at 3:14 am

    I am acquainted with some folks who have the surname Deatherage. I swear to Pete! Isn’t that the gothiest name EVER?

    1. admin July 2, 2008 at 5:01 am

      I’m pretty sure they were/would be granted immediate membership to the Mercury based on name ALONE.

  5. darth_nater July 2, 2008 at 5:56 am

    I don’t mind the teens drooling all over each other because hey, I get to check out some hot young ass and nobody is the wiser (unless i jump a curp and then i might be suspected from the Eastside).
    The bums.. meh.. they are the city’s way of cheap speed bumps. I figure the cost of flattening a few is cheaper than burying them these days. Good Job Mayor Nickels on your secret installation of hobos in certain areas and saving the taxpayer some cheddar!
    However, and i know this won’t make me any friends is the fucking ignorant and belligerent bikers. Take that critical mass bullshit and ram it right up your chain sprockets! Next time someone cuts out in front of me and starts pedaling at lowest speed possible, I’ll cruise behind them with my horn blaring until they either get out of the way or melt with rage. I don’t mind bringing negative attention to myself if it means sinking their ship too. I understand messengers doing that from time to time, but now everyone on a bike is copping a tude and I’ve had enough. They can be sanctimonius in the hospital while they get casts for every limb.

    1. admin July 2, 2008 at 6:40 pm

      No disagreement here! Smug, sanctimonius bikers drive me insane. I hate how they insert themselves into any conversation about cars/gas/oil/etc with “it doesn’t cost *me* ANYTHING to get to work, smug smug smug”. Swell for you, jackass. Go ride on your high horsebike somewhere else.

      I’m pretty sure that anyone who participates in Critical Mass or thinks it’s a swell idea can be safely labeled a Total Fucking Dickweed. Sure, give bikers space, watch for them, be courteous and don’t plow them over…but for them to take over the streets simply to piss off drivers is NOT the way to bring positive attention to a cause.

      I also loathe the bikers that think because they’re not using gas to power their vehicles that they’re above following the rules of the road, not stopping at stop signs, running through intersections against the light, or blasting down the sidewalk at unsafe speeds for pedestrians–the common excuse is that it’s ‘dangerous for bikers to follow the same rules as cars’. Bullshit. You know what makes the road dangerous for bikers? The fact that drivers can’t predict with any degree of accuracy how the biker is going to behave because they don’t follow the rules, thereby increasing the likelihood of an accident.

      I also have seen in how some bikers think it’s acceptable to trash a car for driving too close to them or any other perceived slight, by smashing windows with their bike locks and zipping away. In what universe do they live in where they think that’s ok?

      1. darth_nater July 3, 2008 at 2:19 am

        the same universe where I quickly catch up to them and “accidentally” make sure there is no room between them and the parked cars to the right. I think we know the ending to that movie! Alternatively, I’ll park my ass at the next red light and everyone can watch as i give their bikes the business end of my tire iron.

      2. darth_nater July 3, 2008 at 2:19 am

        the same universe where I quickly catch up to them and “accidentally” make sure there is no room between them and the parked cars to the right. I think we know the ending to that movie! Alternatively, I’ll park my ass at the next red light and everyone can watch as i give their bikes the business end of my tire iron.

  6. watchout5 July 2, 2008 at 2:46 am

    dude animation show 4 was fucking epic
    I loved it

    1. admin July 2, 2008 at 5:01 am

      What was your favorite short?

      1. watchout5 July 2, 2008 at 5:03 am

        Such a hard question, I really liked the hooker one. I’d probably put that on top. The oranges one…psycho city or whatever had some great stuff.

        That last one with the coffin though, touching.


        1. admin July 2, 2008 at 5:21 am

          The crotch biting punchline didn’t get old for me–I could’ve seen a few more shorts with the same punchline and laughed just as hard!

          The hooker one was fantastic. I loved the ‘hot dog’ one, too.

          1. watchout5 July 2, 2008 at 5:27 am

            “I dunno, she must have crawled through the vents or something”

          2. admin July 2, 2008 at 5:32 am

            “I should also stop with the ten-dollar blowjobs. I could spend that in Starbucks.”

          3. watchout5 July 2, 2008 at 2:16 pm

            “It’s just not enough money, I mean it’s just not enough”

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