Fucking a corpse…to death

First there was The Mummy. It was hardly high art, but it was good at what it was intended to be–a fun popcorn flick and a delivery system for hot, hot mostly-naked Arnold Vosloo.

Then came The Mummy Returns. Less fun, but somehow Arnold Vosloo was even hotter in this movie, so all was forgiven. At this point, watching Brendan Fraser flail around haplessly has gotten quite old. “Help, I’m ineffective! Someone call in geriatric Elvis to finish this guy off!”

Next was the spin-off, The Scorpion King. What a piece of crap.

So the franchise died, as well it should have. Pop culture sensations very rarely have the momentum to live through multiple iterations of badly-written, pushed-to-release-to-capitalize-on-the-only-actual-success movies.

Have you ever owned a t-shirt so long it went from cool to uncool and right back into cool? Franchises often revive themselves this way, and the last few years have been all about reviving already-owned properties than risking money on a new venture; the Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Battlestar Galactica, and even the X-Files have seen their day dragged out from the closet and into the sun, some more wildly successful than others.

In a recent issue of Wired, Scott Brown developed a Nostalgorithm for pop culture sensations.

pl_brown_formula1

Where L= probability of lameness. “Translated crudely from the calculus, this simply means pop properties have expiration dates, like Lunchables or Tom Cruise. And fan love doesn’t steadily decline — it plummets as exposure (E) reaches an unhealthy level….But as Noah points out, non-awesome pop objects are primed to become awesome again. While what’s old is eventually new again, it takes about a generation (tgen = 20 years) for kids to pick up what their parents discarded.”

Although I failed calculus for myriad reasons, including but by no means limited to 7am classes, inept teaching assistants, no grades counted other than two tests, a basic lack of caring on my part and Unreal Tournament, to the best of my ability, I have figured that the prime release date for a Mummy revival (if one is EVER appropriate, which is debatable) is 2021…not summer 2008.

Apparently studio execs liked Unreal Tournament even more than I did, and ‘The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor’ is set to release this weekend. Unbeknownst to any historians, the Egyptians weren’t the only cultural group who grooved on mummies, oh no. The Chinese got in on that action, starting with a terrible foot-binding accident, and that explains why an archaeologist with a primary focus on Egypt is muddling around China when an Emperor rises from the dead to start a quest for world domination. When he’s done, the whole planet will be known as One China. And they’ll ALWAYS get the Olympics. And that’s just unacceptable to Our Bumbling Hero.

Now that we’ve started bastardizing living cultures, let’s keep this mummy train rolling. I’d like to pitch *my* movie idea, called ‘The Mummy: Curse of the Liger Czar’. It will be set fifty years in the future. Brendan Fraser has accidentally locked himself into a frozen dairy case, thus fulfilling a prophecy made by his mother when he was but a lad–“If you keep making that stupid face, it will freeze that way.” Thanks to the global warming caused by Al Gore, it becomes too expensive to continue to enjoy delicious frozen treats, and the power is disconnected to Fraser’s freezer case, loosing his powers of stupidity onto the world. By coincidence, his clothing style happens to be back in fashion, so no one believes him when he says he is from the past. He discovers that his now-geriatric wife (who never really went to all that much trouble to find him and now looks like a mummy herself) has been kidnapped by a risen Russian Czar to be his wrinkly bride, and that this same Russian Czar also has control over legions of what were previously dismissed as mythological creatures, which are wreaking havoc worldwide. He also runs into a smolderingly hot twenty-five year-old who claims to be his son, but neither the looks nor the timeline fits. Fraser sets off in a rage to find his pancake-boob wife because she’s got some ‘splainin to do. Hilarity ensues.

…What? It can’t be worse than what’s coming out tomorrow!

39 Comments Fucking a corpse…to death

  1. rimrunner July 31, 2008 at 7:12 pm

    …but will it have Michelle Yeoh in it?

    Because honestly, that’s the only reason I’m interested.

    1. admin July 31, 2008 at 8:08 pm

      Sure, why not? I was thinking of involving Vin Diesel and…hmmm…that Shia character who is so popular at the moment.

  2. shadowstitch July 31, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    As TIRED as I am of seeing Jet Li in every Disposable Asian Hollywood Action Hero, I kinda wanna see this one…

    I’ll wait for it to come out on DVD, mind you, but I’ll watch it. Some of the trailers have been promising — I enjoy witty banter.

    I also will enjoy the new Knight Rider show. Kitt turns into a truck!

    1. admin July 31, 2008 at 8:09 pm

      Kitt turns into a truck!

      …that turns into a killer robot from the future?

  3. earthdotprime July 31, 2008 at 7:25 pm

    i’m actually pretty stoked about the new Mommy movie. Not because it’ll be any good, mind you! See, I’ve been working on this theory for a few years now, that Brendan Frasier is the Bruce Campbell. And with this movie, I think I might finally have the needed footage to prove my point.

    1. admin July 31, 2008 at 8:10 pm

      But Bruce Campbell is way more attractive in just about every possible facet than Brendan Fraser. 🙁

      1. earthdotprime July 31, 2008 at 8:18 pm

        oh god, even when i edit, there are still typos. FAIL.

        but i really, really doubt that anyone thought that at the time Evil Dead rolled around. I mean, he was vaguely attractive, but he hadn’t rolled over into mature fanboy idol yet. (I mean, he did NO WORK for the 6 years between films. Nobody liked him!) I’m telling you. Brendan Frasier, 20 years, MINDWARP: THE WARPENING.

        1. admin July 31, 2008 at 10:57 pm

          Well, as long as Hollywood makes my movie, I really don’t care, because I’ll be too busy swimming around in money like Scrooge McDuck to pay much attention to ANYONE.

          1. earthdotprime August 1, 2008 at 6:21 am

            I would pay money to see that. Not the movie, the Scrooge McDuck thing. How did he DO that???

          2. admin August 1, 2008 at 5:43 pm

            I imagine that when you’re a billionaire, you can do ANYTHING, even defy Newtonian law!

  4. dear_amaranth July 31, 2008 at 7:26 pm

    I actually liked THe Mummy Returns better than the original. I think everything except that stupid kid was better than the first. Rachel Weis completely changed her character, but I thought she was more believable in the second.

    And the second had more of Oded Fehr, which is my main reason for watching those movies anyway. 😛

    Since the one coming up has neither Rachel Weis nor Oded Fehr, I doubt I’ll go see it.

    1. admin July 31, 2008 at 8:11 pm

      And the second had more of Oded Fehr, which is my main reason for watching those movies anyway.

      Mmmmmm. You make an excellent point. The second is *way* better than the first, for eye-candy reasons alone!

      1. poetrix618 July 31, 2008 at 10:50 pm

        Hmmmm…. eye candy named Oded Fehr? Sounds like I actually need to see these movies now.

        1. admin July 31, 2008 at 10:58 pm

          We could have another movie night!

        2. poetrix618 August 1, 2008 at 12:21 am

          Hells yeah!

          1. admin August 1, 2008 at 5:52 pm

            We could do it before* or after Wild Waves. I took the 20th, 21st, and 22nd off, so it doesn’t matter how late I stay up.

            *By which I mean the night before, not the morning of.

          2. poetrix618 August 1, 2008 at 6:24 pm

            Yes–after Wild Waves is a great idea!

  5. admin July 31, 2008 at 8:12 pm

    Would you like a tissue, emo boy? I’ll share from my box because no one likes my movie idea.

    *sob*

    1. admin August 1, 2008 at 5:48 pm

      Re: mummies alive!

      EVERYONE would love the Liger Czar if they just gave it a chance. It has action! Adventure! Romance! (< - wiggly eyebrows) Suspense! Laughs! And good old communism!

      Are you going to the Black BBQ tomorrow? I haven’t even spoken to that douche-nozzle I brought last year SINCE last year, so you don’t have to worry about being told you’re a non-artist whose opinions about art are invalid because you don’t have one of the world’s stupidest haircuts that automatically raises you to the level of artiste.

  6. dslartoo July 31, 2008 at 11:49 pm

    I ain’t goin’ because I am throwing a strike (or hissy fit, depending on who you ask) due to Rachel Weisz not being in this one.

    cheers,
    Phil

    1. admin August 1, 2008 at 5:49 pm

      No Rachel Weisz for you, no hottie eye candy for me. Already this movie is EPIC FAIL.

      I think we can call ourselves Concerned Citizens for Hotties.

  7. watchout5 July 31, 2008 at 7:01 pm

    I think you can almost write that equation out with the writers though, the new Batman movies that are coming out are hundreds of times better than the old ones. Of course the popularity of Batman never really died but the writing seems to have been much improved over time. Though in no way am I trying to compare a character like Batman to a shitty series like The Mummy other than it just might take a few tries before the series can get it right, if the series can last that long.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that the movie stars Jet Li, and he’s fucking awesome. If it sucks it’ll be the only American Jet Li movie I’d not like, I feel like chances are high that I’ll look past Brendan Fraser and just cross my fingers that something kills him and Mr. Li takes the lead role.

    I loved Unreal Tournament, it’s always been underrated.

    1. admin July 31, 2008 at 7:05 pm

      Unlike The Mummy, Batman never really stopped; yes, it enjoys periods of a much wider audience and greater popularity, but even in periods when movies weren’t being made, the comics and more recently, animated series, kept the franchise going. Not even the campy Adam West version could kill Batman off.

      1. watchout5 July 31, 2008 at 7:13 pm

        Didn’t they have a kids show, the mummy?

        http://www.tv.com/the-mummy-the-animated-series/show/3698/summary.html

        It ended back in 2003, but I don’t think the mummy ever died, it lingered on without anyone paying attention, and when we least expect it…BAM…they make another movie about it because the people who watched that show grew up :p

        1. admin July 31, 2008 at 8:07 pm

          Oh, well then STOP THE PRESSES cause this movie’s gonna be *awesome*.

          1. admin July 31, 2008 at 8:25 pm

            NO COMMENT DELETING.

          2. watchout5 July 31, 2008 at 8:28 pm

            I’M SORRY MY OTHER COMMENT WAS STUPID SO I WANTED A REDO

    2. rimrunner July 31, 2008 at 7:12 pm

      If it sucks it’ll be the only American Jet Li movie I’d not like

      I hated The One, to be honest.

      1. watchout5 July 31, 2008 at 7:13 pm

        You just made me cry a little on the inside

  8. robot_mel August 1, 2008 at 9:53 am

    I admit Jet Li as 秦始皇帝 is REALLY tempting. I realise it’ll be about as accurate as the Egypt ones (which I didn’t see). But the previews did look kinda pretty…

    (hangs head in shame)

    1. admin August 1, 2008 at 5:51 pm

      Hey, Ebert agrees with you, not me! He says it’s fun and pretty visually awesome.

      …I do love Michelle Yeoh and Jet Li.

      1. iamthedarkangel August 2, 2008 at 12:07 am

        I think Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh trump everything else negative about the movie. I mean you have zombies, kung fu, elemental magic, Jet Li, Michelle Yeoh, and the possibility of Fraser being frozen in ice to be unearthed in Encino Man. It could be like a prequel!

        User reviews are a B on yahoo which means the movie isn’t all bad either. I did rather enjoy the second one more than the first even though the first had more of the body parts being sucked into the mummy.

  9. damienwolfe August 3, 2008 at 4:24 pm

    I saw it. The movie sucked, in my opinion.

    1. admin August 4, 2008 at 4:56 pm

      You know, I WOULD say ‘I hate to say I told you so’, but actually, I love to say it.

      I TOLD YOU SO.

      1. damienwolfe August 6, 2008 at 6:19 pm

        But see, I was actually looking forward to the movie. Oh, how was I naive. 🙂

        1. admin August 6, 2008 at 6:33 pm

          In that case, I’ll endeavor to say it again: I TOLD YOU SO.

          1. damienwolfe August 6, 2008 at 7:48 pm

            I actually saw the movie before I saw this warning. So, ha! 🙂

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