Evil will always prevail, because good is dumb.

Attention citizens: there is now a group of masked superheroes fighting crime in Seattle.

If ‘masked’ includes ski masks and ‘fighting crime’ includes taking golf clubs away from raving homeless men and then not being able to file a complaint because they don’t want to reveal their secret identities counts as acts of heroism, that is. They have their girlfriend drive their godmother’s Kia Fate around, looking for evildoers. One can only imagine that they meet back for cheetos, cocoa, and some wicked-tough rounds of Mario Kart at the Rain City Superhero Movement’s headquarters, aka, grandma’s basement. The names of these heroes? Thorn, Buster Doe, Green Reaper, Gemini, No Name, Catastrophe, Thunder 88, Penelope and Phoenix Jones the Guardian of Seattle.

However, what have we learned from movies, television, and comic books? Superheroes can’t just fight regular homeless-man-based crime. They need supervillains. I hereby proclaim myself one of those supervillains: Sassmachine, evildoer extraordinaire! My evil powers include aggressive driving and making inappropriate jokes that make everyone laugh and feel bad for doing so immediately afterward. I embody anti-Seattle. I won’t let you merge! I won’t wave you through a four way stop! If you’re an Ave rat taking your sweet time sauntering across the street when you KNOW I’m waiting to turn, I’ll mow your hipster ass down and snap you like a goddamned twig with my Ford Taurus assault vehicle! To demonstrate my total disregard for the rules of the road, I have been driving with one burned-out headlight for MONTHS and I will continue to do so–take that, heroes!

My partner in crime will be Waste Stream, a domestic eco-terrorist. He will perform his evil by scattering tracts hailing our evil deeds and talking smack about the superheroes, printed on virgin paper that has been laminated so it will never biodegrade, accompanied by the occasional half-eaten food product or lead-filled piece of broken electronics.

At this time, we also retain one executive villain assistant, who shouts obscenities at passers-by, points and laughs at the attempts of the heroes, and makes us coffee.

Pure. Evil.

We are accepting further applications for our League of Petty Evil, so if you would like to join, please let us know your name and a little bit about you to make sure your type of evil really meshes with the group. A picture would also help us further determine if you are League of Petty Evil material. As you can see, we have a pretty sweet lair going already.

150570_465319603939_1881689_n Coming soon: mini-fridge. Of evil.

To further demonstrate my qualifications as an evildoer, here I am on a chart among other known evildoers:

Once you’re on a chart, you know you’ve made the big leagues.

My first evil task was to set up a facebook page announcing my evil presence, and ‘liking’ the Rain City Superhero Movement. I’m sure it will only be a matter of time before I am both hated and feared.

66 Comments Evil will always prevail, because good is dumb.

  1. scearley November 29, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    is there room in your cadre for cross-country driving diaper-wearing astronauts?

    1. admin November 29, 2010 at 7:36 pm

      Only if they’re really, really pissed. And I don’t mean in the diaper sense.

      1. scearley November 29, 2010 at 7:43 pm

        I think it’s clear that one of the important takeaways from the news article is that Kia’s marketing department is stupid enough to think “Fate” is a good name for a car.

        1. admin November 29, 2010 at 7:46 pm

          It’s really only a good name for a car for self-proclaimed superheroes.

  2. variax November 29, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    I will be the Elevhater! I will ride around the busiest elevators in Seattle after eating Mexican food.

    1. admin November 29, 2010 at 7:42 pm

      Will you press every button, Elevhater? Factors to consider: overall annoyance may increase, but you’re also giving people and the stench an opportunity to escape on every floor.

  3. myrrhmade November 29, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    I JUST CHOKED ON MY COFFEE! DAMN YOU!

    1. admin November 29, 2010 at 7:52 pm

      YET ANOTHER EVIL DEED ACCOMPLISHED!

  4. captain_slinky November 29, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Already been done; they call themselves “ROACH”.

    Also: Phoenix Jones dropped the charges against the homeless guy because 1) the Police found Crack and a Pipe on the Homeless Guy so he was already going to jail and B) The Homeless Guy was pressing assault charges against Phoenix Jones, a deal was made where both parties dropped their charges and the homeless dude went to jail for posession. Perp off the street, Hero still active.

    And yes, they *do* go back to their Secret Headquarters to enjoy pudding snacks before moving on to protect more citizens ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. admin November 29, 2010 at 7:53 pm

      Ah yes, a ‘hero’ who assaults people and gets away with it, I feel much safer already.

      1. captain_slinky November 29, 2010 at 8:04 pm

        Actually, all he did was stand there and let the homeless guy keep trying to hit him while the rest of his crew got the original victim out of the way and tried to take the club away. Seeing him and his crew in action is pretty awesome! Phoenix Jones just stands there and tries to talk people out of fighting, provoking the attackers to come at him while the rest of the crew clears the area and makes sure all the bystanders are safe while calling for 911. Phoenix Jones dodges, blocks and generally just tires out the attackers while they wait for the police to show up.

        I dunno… if I hadn’t seen him in action myself, I’d probably join your Mockery Crew as well… but having actuially seen it? Seen a guy jump in to a fight and take command and make sure everybody was safe… to have the guts to do that? It was awesome and just kind of inspiring ๐Ÿ™‚

        1. scearley November 29, 2010 at 8:08 pm

          yes, it’s clear that the best way to avoid having a police state is to have everyone be the police.

          1. captain_slinky November 29, 2010 at 8:19 pm

            How does that even apply?!?!? If you see an old lady getting beat-up by some thugs and you say “Hey! Knock it off!”, we’re suddenly in a police state?!?!? If you see somebody breaking in to your car, don’t try to stop them for fear of a police state? I… I don’t even SEE how trying to stop somebody from getting beaten to death leads to a police state in your mind!

          2. admin November 29, 2010 at 8:23 pm

            Before these superheroes showed up, precisely how many deaths-by-beatings did the city have due to a lack of citizen crusaders?

          3. captain_slinky November 29, 2010 at 8:32 pm

            Same amount as it had due to the lack of giant attack bears on every street corner? I’m not following you…

            Cna’t find exact numbers for you, but a quick google search gave me about a dozen that have happened just this year. Thanks to Phoenix Jones, there’s one less.

            How many lives would have to be saved before you were okay with somebody volunteering to stop the killing? Do you want to put a quota on beating deaths? Like, okay, after 27 beeating deaths THEN it’s okay for you to jump in but not a moment before then?
            I don’t understand why you’re so against somebody wanting to help… it’s like you want the world to be a worse place?

          4. admin November 29, 2010 at 8:49 pm

            Duh, Supervillain.

            Seriously, I have a huge problem with self-appointed SUPERHEROES. So today, they step in and stop someone from being beaten (you cannot say they would have been beaten to death; there is no evidence of such). What’s to prevent them from deciding tomorrow that distracting criminals and calling 911 isn’t enough so they move on to vigilante justice?

            These are underequipped, untrained, delusional people who may make things worse by stepping in; may cause someone to pull a gun and shoot it; may screw up due process to the point where people who commit crimes get away BECAUSE these so-called ‘superheroes’ got involved. We have a justice system in place, it is not for the citizenry to take it into their own hands because they hate their desk job and want to feel a little thrill of excitement.

          5. captain_slinky November 29, 2010 at 9:02 pm

            Okay, time to turn the tables… how many self-appointed superheroes have decided that distracting criminals and calling 911 isn’t enough so they’ve moved on to vigilante justice? Google gave me lots of results of people proposing such a thing, but no actual examples.

            You’re using the Anti-Gay-Marriage argument style here, and I don’t think it works for THEM any more than it’s working for YOU. If you let Gay People get married, what’s to stop them from demanding to marry their pets next? WHEN WILL THE INSANITY END?!?!? Nobody’s asking to mary their pets and nobody’s asking to go all vigilante on the asses of society – they just want “Villains” to know that if they decide to pick a fight or break in to a car or smash a window, there IS somebody around who will do something to try and stop you.

          6. admin November 29, 2010 at 9:11 pm

            Right, because my other arguments, that superheroes interfering with the justice system, potentially messing up evidence or worsening the situation, those are TOTALLY equivalent to implying that gay marriage is a threshold for person-on-pet marriage or person-on-candy-bar civil union.

          7. captain_slinky November 29, 2010 at 9:28 pm

            Your *main point* was stated first; “What’s to prevent them from deciding tomorrow that distracting criminals and calling 911 isn’t enough so they move on to vigilante justice?” You then followed with all of your supporting arguments of interfering with the justice system, worsening the situation, etc. These would be equivalent to such chestnuts as “The decay of morality”, “The destruction of The American Way of Life”, etcetera and so forth.

            Your argument seems to be based on the fact that you are more afraid of being helped than you are of being hurt?

            I’ll just break it down this way for you, simple yes-or-no answer. If I see you, and you’re being beaten/mugged/raped… do you want me to try and help you?

          8. admin November 29, 2010 at 9:32 pm

            Oooooh, I see, only the FIRST thing someone says is relevant in an argument. I’ll keep that in mind from now on.

          9. captain_slinky November 29, 2010 at 10:46 pm

            I think you may have only read the first line of my reply? I’ll copy-n-paste here for convenience, with emphasis in caps…

            Your *MAIN POINT* was stated first; “What’s to prevent them from deciding tomorrow that distracting criminals and calling 911 isn’t enough so they move on to vigilante justice?”

            This was the complete first paragraph of your statement. This is your main point, the point that you then go on to justify with the use of supporting statements.

            You then followed with all of your SUPPORTING ARGUMENTS of interfering with the justice system, worsening the situation, etc. These would be equivalent to such chestnuts as “The decay of morality”, “The destruction of The American Way of Life”, etcetera and so forth.

            Also, you didn’t answer my simple yes-or-no question; If I see you, and you’re being beaten/mugged/raped… do you want me to try and help you?

          10. admin November 29, 2010 at 11:09 pm

            My answer: If you’re delusional enough to believe that you’re being a superhero, stay the hell away from me.

          11. captain_slinky November 29, 2010 at 11:13 pm

            Ah. So YES stop them, unless I’m wearing a costume in which case I should let them have their way with you. Got it.

          12. admin November 29, 2010 at 11:55 pm

            If it’s not clear, I think your yes or no question is an oversimplification of the issue. The fact is that these people who go around ‘fighting crime’ have NO idea how the people they’re fighting might react to any given situation, and they may in fact elevate the potential for violence. In the majority of situations, if someone is threatening you because they want money, if you give them the money, they will not harm you–it’s why many corporations have a policy that employees should not offer resistence in the face of a robbery. It’s when someone tries to be a hero that criminals panic and people get hurt.

          13. captain_slinky November 30, 2010 at 12:16 am

            My yes or no question is EXACTLY how simple it is… as a full-fledged comic book nerd, I’ve been fascinated with these real-life super heroes since the first time I heard about them and have done quite a bit of research on them. If I’m not mistaken, you have a kind of set image in your mind of some fat kid in an ill-fitting costume jumping around in alleys quoting Spider-Man comic scripture and thinking they’re bullet-proof or other delusions of grandeur. That’s what I thought at first, too…

            All they are is a bunch of people who have been in situations where no one would help. Phoenix Jones, for example, was at WIld Waves with his son and they came out at the end of the day to find that their car window had been smashed. His son, in nothing more than a swimming suit, fell down in the broken glass and Phoenix Jones was begging people to call 911, but no one would even stop to look at him and his bleeding kid. One person *did* stop to take a cellphone video, that was it. He was angry that no one had seen the car getting broken in to and angry that no one would help. So he decided to be a person who would be there when other people needed help. He knows he’s not invulnerable, but he has enough martial arts training to make him more able to survive in a fight than the average person. He’s stronger, faster than the average person so he’s decided to use that advantage to be a person who will be there to try and protect those who need it. He wears a mask to avoid retribution against his family.

            similar stories are behind all these guys and gals. Mugging, rape, bullying… all of them are victims who want to help others to feel a bit more secure. All of them have training, all of them have plenty of technology on their side… they’re not stupid. They’ve been doing this for years. They haven’t died, they haven’t gotten anyone killed, they haven’t gone vigilante, just as Gay Marriage won’t leat to the destruction of The American Way and women marrying dogs.

            So my question still stands as simple as that, maybe even simplified further; if you are being beaten/mugged/raped, do you want SOMEBODY to try and help you? The people attacking you might have guns and somebody might get hurt… should we all just go ahead and let it happen?

          14. admin November 29, 2010 at 9:20 pm

            Futhermore, my questioning when they move to become vigilantes is not nearly as preposterous as you claim; these people have already proven they are more than willing to take the law into their own hands, and vigilantism is the next step.

          15. captain_slinky November 29, 2010 at 9:32 pm

            They’re NOT taking the law in to their own hands! If they were, the police would arrest them. They are doing what used to be called “Civic Duty”. They’re a Neighborhood Watch Program that likes to dress-up, that’s all. The Police have all of Phoenix Jones’ information and they make him fill out paperwork after every incident that goes beyond standard “wait here while I call 911”.

            YOu seem to have faith in The Justice System… so let them handle it! If Phoenix Jones and his crew step outside the law in any way, your Justice System will take care of it. THey’re just guys in costumes, not *actual* Super Heroes.

          16. admin November 29, 2010 at 9:36 pm

            Right, we should let the kids have their fun until they fuck up and get someone killed, or get a few years older and become disillusioned and purposefully make things worse, and then let the police pick up the pieces. That sounds like a great idea.

          17. apestyle November 29, 2010 at 10:14 pm

            Ooh, that’s what Two-face said in the last movie, “You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”

  5. entropic_system November 29, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    I A person I know shall be an allied organization made of religious zealots who will gleefully give their lives to the Great Quivering Sphincter of the Sky Anus. I Whomever this person is shall be the Lord High Priest of Anusness.

    1. admin November 29, 2010 at 7:54 pm

      So your evil power is…anus-ing?

      1. entropic_system November 29, 2010 at 7:58 pm

        ALLEGEDLY.

        And it mostly involves pooping on any Fates that might be in my this person’s path.

        1. admin November 29, 2010 at 8:00 pm

          Add Kia Fates to that anusing list and you’re in.

          1. admin November 29, 2010 at 8:06 pm

            What’s your villain name?

          2. entropic_system November 29, 2010 at 8:09 pm

            You mean “the person that is this person,” correct? The Mouthpiece of the Great Sky Anus.

          3. admin November 29, 2010 at 8:12 pm

            Right, right. The person who is that person doesn’t have anything a little snappier? Perhaps a nickname?

          4. admin November 29, 2010 at 8:15 pm

            Welcome to the League of Petty Evil, Anusinator!

  6. pretzelcoatl November 29, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    My power is to absorb the caffeine from everyone else’s coffee and their bloodstream and take it into my own. BEHOLD, I AM THE DECAFFEINATOR.

    1. admin November 29, 2010 at 8:00 pm

      Welcome to the League of Petty Evil, Decaffeinator!

    2. winik November 29, 2010 at 8:07 pm

      Noooooooooooooooo….. Awh crap. There goes my day. It was my only hope. (The coffee) You ruined me! Ruined!

      Good job.

  7. greyweirdo November 29, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Can I be a remote worker, arranging evil from my dark hide out?

    Or should I just open up a branch office out here?

    1. admin November 29, 2010 at 8:05 pm

      I think we can accept remote workers–what are your specialties?

      1. greyweirdo November 29, 2010 at 8:11 pm

        Looking things up, conning other people to do my dirty work, and a strange dead pan that makes it hard for anyone to ever know if I’m joking or not.

        1. admin November 29, 2010 at 8:12 pm

          What would your villain name be?

          1. greyweirdo November 29, 2010 at 8:13 pm

            I like The Chev-A-Lear. Then I can be The Epi-Tome of evil.

          2. admin November 29, 2010 at 8:15 pm

            Welcome to the League of Petty Evil, Chev-A-Lear!

  8. bork November 29, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    I shall be Venti Skinny Latte, Maker of Bad Coffee Drinks!

    My evilness should be able to bring Seattle to its knees within hours.

    1. admin November 29, 2010 at 8:50 pm

      Do you feel that your powers would conflict with or complement those of The Decaffineator?

      1. bork November 29, 2010 at 8:57 pm

        No conflict at all.

        One can have a really tasty coffee drink that merely doesn’t have caffeine. However, I don’t think anyone wants to drink a drink that’s been made with burnt, rancid milk, caffeine or no. (Or when you ask for ‘sugar’ they put in ‘Splenda’ because the barista doesn’t know the difference, no I am not bitter.)

        It could compliment easily, however.

        1. admin November 29, 2010 at 8:57 pm

          Excellent. Welcome to the League of Petty Evil, Venti Skinny Latte!

  9. princessgeek November 29, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    Application for League of Petty Evil

    Master of petty evil.
    I can transform! Well, just once and I already did that.

    But I have slightly acidic saliva!
    If I spit on you and you don’t wash your hands, or bathe, or use a napkin or something, you will get a really nasty rash.

    Also, I stomp my feet in puddles and get you wet and complain when it takes a long time for my food to be delivered. I also drive 60 in the left lane.

    As a bonus feat, I slap anyone who says “Dude the Blue Angels flew right over me!” or “Seattle drivers don’t know how to drive in the snow!”

    1. admin November 29, 2010 at 10:12 pm

      Re: Application for League of Petty Evil

      And what would your supervillain name be? (Excuse me for asking if it’s in the photo, LJ-hosted pics are blocked. ๐Ÿ™ )

      1. princessgeek November 29, 2010 at 10:14 pm

        Re: Application for League of Petty Evil

        Butterfly! It’s not in the picture, I forgot that one of my most evil evil traits is that I forget stuff.

        1. admin November 29, 2010 at 10:15 pm

          Re: Application for League of Petty Evil

          Welcome to the League of Petty Evil, Butterfly!

  10. thecostumegal November 30, 2010 at 12:35 am

    OMG I am so going to register on their site. I already call the police all the time about drunk drivers and shit. I need a good name! Ooooh. THE TATTLER.

    1. admin November 30, 2010 at 12:44 am

      You wouldn’t rather be a supervillain? ๐Ÿ™

      1. thecostumegal November 30, 2010 at 12:48 am

        *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

        Yes. It seems more fun. But in LA that means getting tattoos and a shaved head and possibly dying. And having ridiculous rims on crappy cars. That’s just tacky.

        And I already do most of the superhero things they do on that website, except for give blood. Because blood is icky D:

        This reminds me of the comic book I wrote about super heroes and villains in LA. No one writes comics that take place in LA D:

        1. admin November 30, 2010 at 3:38 pm

          Oh, ew. I am anti-shaved head and also anti-ridiculous rims, so you are excused from petty villainry.

  11. bork November 30, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Ooh! Ooh!

    If The Decaffeinator thinks that Ms. Venti Skinny Latte is a clash, I could transform into…The Saddest Sounder!

    The Saddest Sounder would be a person with absolutely no athletic ability whatsoever…who gets drafted as the nest Star Forward for the Sounders FC soccer team. They would piss off and disappoint soccer fans across the entire Puget Sound area with their complete inability to kick a ball into a goal. Or to kick a ball, period.

    1. admin November 30, 2010 at 3:37 pm

      You may be whichever you please. ๐Ÿ™‚ Just let me know so I can have the right name when I put together our official League of Petty Evil materials.

      1. bork November 30, 2010 at 4:56 pm

        I shall then Officially change my Villain Name, to The Saddest Sounder.

    2. stationary_jew November 30, 2010 at 6:10 pm

      So you’ll annoy… six people? Now that’s what I call petty evil!

      1. bork November 30, 2010 at 6:22 pm

        Yes. Yes.

Comments are closed.