E-Way Re-Ay he-Thay Ilthiest-Fay Eople-Pay In-ay he-Thay Orld-Way!

Geoff Brousseau has a joke about shitty apartment complexes; the nicer the name, the trashier the apartment. He moved into a place called ‘Camelot Manor’–sounds nice, right? You’d never guess that in Camelot Manor, there would be white kids with cornrows smoking cigarettes in the swimming pool. If Camelot Manor had a mascot, it would be an eagle wearing a fanny pack, punching his wife.

As soon as I heard that punchline, I knew I had a birthday cake idea. I passed it along to girlpirate, who dutifully recreated it in icing and then sent me this message:

“Lol bakery manager just spent 10 minutes staring at your cake disapprovingly. She doesn’t understand it. She was asking questions about you like “was she weird?” And shit and I finally said “****, it’s a friend of mine…” And she got all flustered and walked away.”

This is what I imagine she looked like:

Which I, frankly, do not get, because I don’t feel anything other than unmitigated joy when I look at this:

2704_74823563939_2496594_n

 

I picked up the cake early because I had a lot of work to do in order to get the place to look appropriately trashy.

 

White trash hero mugshots had to be placed on the walls.

2704_74823568939_376517_n

I put out both kinds of wine–the jug kind AND the box kind.

2704_75142658939_6140128_n The kiddy pool needed to be blown up and filled with trashy beverages. Yes, there is a TV in front of the TV in the room, because the apartment manager neglected to tell me that the TV in the room was broken until the day of, which necessitated dragging the old tiny tv out of the storage closet and carrying it across the lawn to the Plastic Velveeta Ultralounge. It made things extra trashy but it still kind of pissed me off. Really, apartment manager? You couldn’t find a few bucks in the budget to fix one of the amenities residents are paying to have access to?

2704_74823588939_5705090_n

2704_75142708939_6851041_n

mschilepepper showed up first and helped me get a lot of last-minute things together, and then most graciously agreed to be kitchen bitch for the evening. amazoni and Andrew showed up shortly thereafter, dressed to the trashy nines.

2704_75142663939_2658898_n

 

 

Amy commented on Andrew’s fanny pack being a nice touch, and, uh, he got confused because apparently that’s something he wears all the time. Whooooops. How does one respond to that? “…Oh.*”

2704_74824173939_7123971_n

 

Amy said she was embarrassed to be seen outside in her getup, even on the short walk from our apartment to the Plastic Velveeta Ultralounge. I contend that it was much worse to have been caught by the cute downstairs neighbor whilst wearing mine…and with my hands full of coonskin cap, camera, and cigarettes.

2704_75142633939_386336_n

It’s hard to see in this picture, but I’ve got a tiny cigarette pack as a necklace. Because I am a classy broad. And I have hot pink, leopard print nails.

2704_75143273939_7979170_n

2704_75143303939_136352_n

When Ryan showed up, I knew we had a contest winner. Here he is with a pregnant conceptcanibal.

 

jimhark poured tequila shots of ‘El Jimador’ for anyone who wanted one…and I foolishly did one and the tequila pretty much punched me in the throat.

2704_75142623939_5344731_n

2704_75142618939_7134419_n

 

I had a spread available for anyone who wanted to make ‘Elvis Sandwiches’–his favorite was peanut butter, banana, and bacon, which I had available, in addition to strawberries, nutella, carmelized onions, marshmallow fluff, cheese, and twinkies, with the instructions to ‘hey, go nuts’.

Magic was born.

2704_75143313939_2897527_n

Theeeere’s that cigarette pack necklace!

2704_75143343939_6372111_n

poetrix618 and I shared a sammich. That’s right. And Amy. And about half the party.

 

2704_76947798939_1224882_n

2704_76948018939_5513933_n

2704_76947793939_1970374_n

2704_74826288939_1837530_n

And then we birthed a baby out on the back porch. I think I’ve found this year’s Christmas card!

After a while, I forced everyone to play ‘pin the pasties on the stripper’ and gave out trashy prizes.

 

What was particularly impressive was that only guys managed to instinctively find stripper nipples while blindfolded, and what was even more impressive was that I had only a couple of prizes that were aimed at girls and the guys picked them all, ending up with dollar store douche, pregnancy tests, and imitation ‘Tommy Girl’.

After that, we watched ‘Showgirls’ and played the accompanying drinking game, with people having to drink every time someone said ‘dance’, ‘darlin’, swung around a stripper pole, or punched a guy or a car.

2704_75142688939_7377406_n

2704_75142638939_1494224_n

Cake was consumed and fondant cigarettes were smoked. The baby was left floating facedown in the kiddy pool water.

 

The beeramid was built rapidly and knocked down a few times as well–eventually beer cans started getting flung around the room to distract those who were constructing the beeramid.

2704_75143378939_5438522_n

2704_74824178939_5938774_n

2704_74823943939_243663_n

2704_74824478939_4383696_n

After Showgirls, we put in ‘Jackass’ and we didn’t get far before…uh oh, a security guard was at the door, wanting us to leave. “Didn’t you know you were supposed to be out at 10?” “No, that was never expressed to me.” “Well, the place closes down at 10.” “…Oh.*”

He gave us 10 minutes to clean up the place and get out, and you’ve never seen a group of people organize and clean so quickly. There was frantic emptying of the kiddy pool into the sink. Decorations and leftovers and everything were getting hurriedly shoved out onto the back porch. And I decided that since I couldn’t convince people to do the arm wrestling contest, the 40oz 40 yard dash, the belching contest, the twinkie deep throat contest OR the domestic violence re-enactment contest, we were NOT going to leave without mugshot photos. (Oh yes, at one point, Jeanine broke her pants and also whipped out a boob to feed the fake baby. We were all at peak form.)

2704_74826278939_3900077_n

Aaaaaaaaand just as I was wrapping up mugshot pictures, the clenched-fist, begunned security guard came back to lock us out, but of course, not before getting my full name and apartment number. We traipsed across the lawn with arms full of stuff and deposited it on my front stoop, I sent everyone on their merry way, and discovered that I had the cabana’s garbage can as well. Whoops!

I went inside and opened gifts while the room rotated merrily around me and found that Tristan gave me a velvet Elvis card stuffed with cigarettes. <3

Yesterday, I returned the office’s wastebasket, and the apartment manager gave me a look and said she’d heard I had a pretty crazy party. “Not THAT crazy.” (I mean, we were kicked out before 11pm–my trashy neighbor’s kids were making noise well past 1am the night before!) “And I heard you had alcohol up there?” “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees….” “That’s against the rules; it’s a liability issue in case someone falls down the stairs.” “Well, no one bothered to explain the rules to me beforehand, so I had no way of knowing the room closed at 10 or that no alcohol was allowed.”

So, it looks like we broke ALLLLLLL of the rules. WIN.

*”Oh” is the tried-and-true answer to any situation involving something where you’ve either stuck your foot in your mouth or find yourself in the wrong with no explanation, and is a staple in my family. For example, my dad once wanted to golf in Racine and get the resident’s discount though he did not live there. He asked for the discount, and they asked to see his driver’s license. “This says you live in Kenosha.” “…Oh.” Not “I just moved and haven’t updated my license yet”, not “Oh, I forgot my driver’s license”, “…Oh.” Try it! You’ll find it makes an awkward situation even moreso.

40 Comments E-Way Re-Ay he-Thay Ilthiest-Fay Eople-Pay In-ay he-Thay Orld-Way!

  1. travelbothroads April 21, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    I’m so mad I missed it! Next one! I’m still all about Whirlyball: Beyond Thunderdome.

    1. admin April 21, 2009 at 7:32 pm

      YES. I’m already pondering how many spikes on a costume constitutes ‘too many’, and then I plan to double that number.

      1. travelbothroads April 21, 2009 at 8:43 pm

        I’m thinking animal skins and a viking helmet of some sort.

        1. admin April 21, 2009 at 9:44 pm

          I’m going to raid ‘s storage closet and come in a costume made of animal skeletons. And then we will fight in the parking lot after whirlyball.

  2. leighhyphenanne April 21, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    stupid babies needing sitting.

    the jewish feast of birthdays is still yours! Lets make a date!

    1. admin April 21, 2009 at 9:46 pm

      This Sunday, I am all yours. Hows about it? πŸ™‚

      1. Anonymous April 21, 2009 at 10:31 pm

        I wanna rockb your body, and then, in parenthesis…until the break of dawn.

        Srsly. Its on

        1. admin April 22, 2009 at 1:35 am

          Or if you have nannying opportunities on the weekend, I have Friday and Monday off and could move to either of those days. πŸ™‚

  3. amazoni April 21, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    Yee Haw!

    I gotta admit, I wasn’t sure you could possibly top last year’s birthday bash, but Trailer Fabulous was, well, FABULOUS!

    In hindsight, I kinda wish I’d asked the “security guard” if he was our stripper for the evening. *snaggle-toothed grin*

    1. admin April 21, 2009 at 10:03 pm

      Re: Yee Haw!

      I figured I couldn’t top last year’s party, spectacle-wise, so it was best to go for something that would be fun in a really different way. I am SO screwed for next year. πŸ˜€

  4. weaselmom April 21, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    It is possible that you have the greatest collection of friends in the history of our species.

    1. admin April 21, 2009 at 10:03 pm

      I know, I’m so lucky. <3

  5. earthdotprime April 21, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    Mellzah, I am in a VERY public, VERY undergrad-trendy coffeeshop across from campus, and I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING. And then I cover my hands, and snort, and laugh some more, and EVERYONE IS STARING AT ME because I guess they don’t have awesome friends or something.

    1. admin April 21, 2009 at 11:08 pm

      Secretly, I’m sure they’re wishing they were having as much fun as you, even though publicly they must express disapproval.

  6. mrsamedi April 21, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    I’m still disappointed my white trash T-Shirt wasn’t sent from my storage in Florida. On the front it has a picture of a raccoon in crosshairs in front of the Confederate Flag. And on the back it says “Coon Hunter by choice, Southern by the Grace of God.”

    C’est la vie.

    1. admin April 21, 2009 at 11:09 pm

      Oh my god.

      Inquiring minds want to know how you happened to come to own that t-shirt in the first place.

      1. mrsamedi April 21, 2009 at 11:35 pm

        Florida is filled with pockets of completely backwards towns that unofficially implement the Jim Crow laws.

        I was passing through one of them when I stopped by a gas station and saw it on sale for three dollars, and I would have been a damn fool to pass up on it.

        1. admin April 22, 2009 at 1:31 am

          Wow. When I’m dictator, your t-shirt will be a collector’s item because I fully intend to blow up those towns and all of the ignoramuses who reside within.

        1. admin April 22, 2009 at 1:31 am

          Racism in all the colors of the rainbow!

          …it is racist, right? If not, it sure feels like it. :\

          1. mrsamedi April 22, 2009 at 1:55 am

            I think a Coon in the crosshairs framed by the Stars and Bars is Southern subtlety.

            It makes me laugh and cringe every time I think about it.

  7. greychild April 21, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    Happy Birthday!! πŸ˜€

    1. admin April 21, 2009 at 11:31 pm

      Thank you! πŸ™‚

  8. aquariumspast April 22, 2009 at 12:05 am

    I don’t even know where to begin. I shall not try.

    You are an officer and an epic partier/poster.

    1. admin April 22, 2009 at 1:34 am

      Why thank you, sir!

  9. watchout5 April 21, 2009 at 7:14 pm

    That looks like an amazing party πŸ˜€

    1. admin April 21, 2009 at 7:18 pm

      It was SO much fun. πŸ™‚

  10. cheeserock April 21, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    i love the idea of doing mug shots.

    i also love the photo of the wine and Beast, cos remove the mason jars and you have the staples [well, more Hamms, less Beast] of all our parties.

    i also like, along with “Oh”, flat out denying something that is obviously a lie. “this license says you live in Kenosha. -No it doesn’t.”

    1. admin April 21, 2009 at 9:46 pm

      hahahahaha I’m pretty good at the flat out denial lie. πŸ˜€

  11. mschilepepper April 22, 2009 at 4:29 am

    Thank you for posting all this. It all seemed like a beautiful dream. πŸ˜‰

    1. admin April 22, 2009 at 3:53 pm

      Thank you for coming! I’ve got your mom’s ice cream buckets on my counter to bring back whenever. πŸ™‚

      1. mschilepepper April 22, 2009 at 10:18 pm

        Oh, good. I’d prolly get in trouble if they didn’t reappear. :-/

        Let me know when you have some free time and we’ll hook up. I’ll let ya rifle through my merch box and pick out whichever necklace you want, ’cause I couldn’t remember which ones you really liked. πŸ™‚

  12. poetrix618 April 21, 2009 at 10:47 pm

    Now I know the only way I can take a half-way decent photo is to be doing something slightly lewd with my tongue. Jim is sooooo lucky.

    Loved the party. Apologize for the lame-o noncostume, but thanks for lending me the coonskin hat. That makes a statement (and it’s not the first time I’ve worn one at a party).

    Too bad I didn’t go with the hair curlers, bandanna, and black eye idea. It was the only stereotype not taken. However, the dude who scared the crap out of me by prairie dogging out of the bushes by his back porch to say “hi” on my way over would have been less than impressed.

    1. admin April 21, 2009 at 10:57 pm

      I triple dog dare you to do something slightly lewd with your tongue in every photo from now on!

      I thought about going for the black eye, myself. πŸ˜€

  13. shadowstitch April 22, 2009 at 6:08 am

    Frighteningly, this all hits a little too close to home for me.

    …Or at least the nearest strip mall/wal-mart supercenter to home.

    1. admin April 22, 2009 at 3:54 pm

      Home now or Sweet Home Alabama?

  14. beachin April 22, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    Ryan’s outfit!

    The baby birthing!

    Happy Bday Mellzah!

    1. admin April 22, 2009 at 3:54 pm

      Thank you! πŸ™‚

  15. emo_snal November 25, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    Lol!

    Love the mugshot idea

  16. pikefish September 14, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    this has got to be the funniest party ever!!!! found you from girlpirate and started reading and this is seriously hilarious! I’m thinking I might need to have one of these parties!!!

Comments are closed.