Category Nom or Vom

Nom or Vom: An Eclair Covered with Chocolate So Dark, Light Cannot Escape Its Surface…And Also Stuffed With A Hot Dog

Chocolate Eclair Hot Dogvia Maple Lodge Farms

I know what you’re thinking: This is what’s wrong with America. But you’re wrong. This baby is Canada’s fault. Maybe they learned it from watching us, I don’t know. Either way, it’s a sliced chocolate eclair stuffed with a hot dog, covered in whipped cream and sprinkles. I don’t know if it also contains the standard eclair custard, and frankly, I’m not sure it matters.

Pros: You get your meal and your dessert at one low price, it certainly looks…festive, America finally not taking the blame for once

Cons: Might not have eclair custard, might have eclair custard, sweet cream and hot dog intermingling in your mouth

Would you eat a chocolate eclair hot dog?

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Nom or Vom: C is for Chocolate Chip Cookie Water

sparkling chocolate chip cookie water

Presented for your approval: Chocolate Chip Cookie Sparking Water, the beverage that will probably make you wish you’d spent your money on an actual cookie instead. I watched a video of a man trying this and he described it as “not the worst I’ve ever had in my life…but it’s pretty close” and “I don’t know if I would call it chocolate chip. I remember in grade school when I did this science experiment thing where we had owl pellets…that owl pellet is what this kind of tastes like.”

Pros: It’s zero calorie so it could be an all the time food as opposed to real cookies which are now a “sometimes food”, way easier than liquefying cookies to make into your own cookie beverage, this could be the first time in your life that you’ve hydrated with cookies, technically chocolate in drinking form is trying it the way it used to be consumed

Cons: No self-respecting Maya would drink this, there’s no way the aftertaste on this is anything other than regret, fake chocolate is nigh-universally awful, post-sparkling beverage burps allowing you to taste it again and again and again, did you not see that it tastes like owl pellets?

Would you drink chocolate chip cookie water?

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Nom or Vom: A chocolate covered onion on my belt, which was the style at the time

chocolate covered onionChocolate Onions by Andrew Watson

What the hell, Philadelphia? What the hell? My gut did a flop just contemplating this photo of a real thing that’s sold in Chocolate by Mueller: chocolate covered onions. They’ve sold this ‘treat’ in their shop since the flipping 1980s, so either someone is buying them or these are 30+ year old onions languishing in their display window. I don’t know which would be worse.

 

Pros: Uh…chocolate is involved? Maybe it’s a sweet onion? It has sprinkles? I got nothin’.

Cons: Sweet baby jesus they didn’t even remove the papery skin, chocolate and onion together, there’s no way this is delicious

Would you eat a chocolate covered onion?

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Nom or Vom: Cotton Candy Balls

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Sometimes I think I should rename this column “Herr’s presents: Nom or Vom” just due to the sheer amount of times they’ve introduced something the thought of which makes my tastebuds give up the will to live. This time it’s Sweet ‘n Crunchy Cotton Candy Balls, a bright blue concoction that looks like they’ve spent some time putting the screws to a number of residents of Smurf Village.

Pros:  Crunchy is a pleasing texture, the ball is a tried and true snack delivery method, a way to get the cotton candy experience without needing to go to a fair

Cons: Blue is one of the least-appealing food colors, they’re sure to stain your tongue the color of shame, they’re corn snacks so they may taste like cotton candy with an undercurrent of corn which is somehow worse

Would you eat cotton candy balls?

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Nom or Vom: It’s a vegetable! It’s a soda!

Dr browns cel-ray

Here to wrap up this series of posts about New York is an east coast treat: Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray soda. Celery flavored soda. I don’t know about you, but I think of celery as a sauce delivery vehicle, not a taste sensation by itself. Celery exists as an excuse to shovel ranch, french onion, and blue cheese dips into my mouth and the occasional bit of peanut butter with raisins. It’s the palate cleanser between wings, the bit of crudite that you use to feel good about eating your vegetables and getting fiber, the crunchy part you add to you chicken salad if you’re too cheap to buy pecans. Celery is made of  flavorless water and stringy bits: who said, “Yeah, let’s blend that shit up and carbonate it”? What’s next, essence of romaine and corn syrup?

Pros: You will probably be more hydrated than you were before drinking it, the can is pleasingly green colored, you’re just the addition of part of a packet of hidden valley ranch away from a much more interesting drink, could be good with gin (especially Hendricks) or maybe with a bloody mary if that’s your thing, it’s kosher, it’s been around forever so someone must like it

Cons: All the fiber has been stripped out, you may end up wishing celery had even less flavor after taking a sip, sugary vegetables

Would you drink celery flavored soda?

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Nom or Vom: The Most Goth Burger Ever

japanese black burger

Burger King Japan is going to be rolling out these babies soon: black burgers with buns and cheese colored with bamboo charcoal topped with an onion and garlic sauce colored with squid ink. Oh, and the burger itself is flavored with black pepper, to fit the theme. I think if they wanted to make a truly theme appropriate black burger, they need to hire black metal bands to play in the lobby and source the meat from those all-black Indonesian Ayam Cemani chickens, but then again, no one is going to pay $1000+ for a chicken burger from Burger King.

Pros: Still a burger, how bad could it be?

Cons: That oil slick of cheese really looks unappetizing, I don’t think a bun is supposed to have the sheen of hard plastic, looks like it should come with a tiny whip suitable for cracking the fingers of those who would steal your fries, your poops are going to be insane, it’s not like Burger King is known for high-quality anything

Would you eat a black burger?

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Nom or Vom: Dorito or Dorit-nooooooo?

doritos-loaded-nom-or-vom

America, your cries to get a stomachache while you gas up have been heard and answered: now you can get fried cheese that’s been breaded in doritos crumbs. This may be part of the grand doritos plan to get a foot in every franchise that people only eat at when they have two dollars and deep-seated self-loathing, I’m not sure. What I do know is that I don’t feel even remotely hungry looking at that orange plastic molten cheese substitute, and I am generally the sort of person who gets hungry just thinking about pictures of cheese.

Pros: pleasing triangular shape, like a dorito-y grilled cheese, plenty of cheese, who doesn’t like melted cheese?

Cons: 7-11 doesn’t so much sell “food” as it sells “disappointment”, you know that it’s not cheese inside but cheez, this is going to be exactly like that time you thought it would be awesome to make nachos with doritos and subsequently got heartburn so bad that you thought you were dying

Would you eat Doritos Loaded?

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Nom or Vom: Can’t trust a pig with watermelons, y’know?

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Damn, Nabisco. You give and you give. What would my Nom or Voms be without you? For your consideration, today we have watermelon oreos. Frankly, I don’t consider golden oreos to be oreos at all, and you shouldn’t either. How disappointed would you be to order some kind of dessert that includes oreos and receive the golden kind? Exactly. They’re just boring vanilla sandwich cookies masquerading in oreo’s clothing, so I do appreciate the effort to make them taste like something other than cardboard.

Pros: It could cover up the cardboard-y nature of the golden oreo, and could quite possibly taste summer-y without the mess and seeds of the actual fruit

Cons: Artificial watermelon is nearly universally awful, if you buy these you are supporting cookie shammery

Would you eat watermelon Oreos?

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Nom or Vom: Break me off a piece of that kit kat pizza

strawberry cones pizzavia Strawberry Cones

Japan is just CRUSHING the United States when it comes to creative junk food. We may have taken back the competitive eating title, but pizza toppings on chicken nuggets is child’s play compared to this stoner’s wet dream: pizza with gorgonzola, mangos, mixed nuts, honey-maple sauce and bakeable custard pudding kit kats, all topped with cheese. What?!

Pros: If you’ve ever thought “Man, I’d like to buy a pizza, and I also want to buy a candy bar but I don’t want to look like a pig”–PROBLEM SOLVED, it probably counts as one of your FDA recommended daily servings of fruit, it definitely makes for a more interesting dessert than the “sprinkle some cinnamon on our standard breadsticks and call it a day” thing that stateside pizza chains do, two cheeses are better than one

Cons: The mental image of a custard pudding kit-kat popping like a zit and oozing into one’s mouth, a number of powerful flavors battling it out on a relatively small surface area, is the illicit love of pizza and candy (much like Romeo and Juliet) going to cause your stomach to commit suicide?

Would you eat mango gorgonzola custard kit-kat pizza?

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Nom or Vom: Blue Balls the ice cream

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Photo from Lick Me I’m Delicious

Lick Me I’m Delicious created a custom ice cream flavor for “an A-list celebrity client” (of course, your average butthole on the street isn’t going to dose all of his buddies with prescription drugs for funsies): champagne and Viagra. Each scoop of ice cream is dosed with 25mgs Viagra and flavored like champagne. Obviously the only way you’d be able to try this concoction for now is to make it yourself, but the question here is WOULD you eat it, not WILL you eat it. What say you, nom or vom?

Pros: Dude, not only did you eat ice cream and catch a buzz, you also caught a boner! High five! Or low five! You have a celebrity friend, congratulations! You’re basically eating exclusivity, that’s what it tastes like.

Cons: The potential for getting a boner for more than four hours because you ate too much ice cream, champagne headaches, alcohol and sugar headaches, the very real possibility that you’ll get a boner from this novelty item and then have nothing to do but waggle it around aimlessly in front of your so-called friends,  and any of the myriad side effects listed on boner commercials: Bladder pain, burning feeling in the chest or stomach, burning, crawling, itching, numbness, prickling, “pins and needles” or tingling feelings, cloudy or bloody urine, dizziness, increased frequency of urination, indigestion, painful urination, upset stomach, tenderness in the stomach area, abnormal vision, anxiety, behavior change similar to drinkenness, bleeding of the eye, blurred vision, bone pain, breast enlargement, chest pain, chills, cold sweats, confusion, convulsions, cool and pale skin, deafness or hearing loss, difficulty concentrating, double vision, drowsiness, dry eyes, dry mouth, dryness, redness, scaling, or peeling of the skin, excessive hunger, eye pain, fainting, fast, irregular, or pounding heartbeat, feeling of something in the eye, fever or chills, severe headache, heart failure, hives, increased sweating, increased thirst, itching, lower back or side pain, severe nausea, nightmares, painful, swollen joints, prolonged, painful erection of penis, seeing shades of colors differently than before, sensitivity to light, shakiness, skin lesions with swelling, slurred speech, sore throat, sudden weakness, trouble breathing, unusual tiredness or weakness, blindness, diarrhea, ear pain, drooling, vomiting, failure to climax, ringing in ears….

Would you eat viagra ice cream?

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