Category Nom or Vom

Nom or Vom: A Hot Dog In Your Pocket

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Today’s nom or vom item was spotted in the wild by Tara, who has noticed a number of items in New Zealand that are trying to introduce bold new American flavors to the kiwi market. Regardless of where you live, how do you feel about the hot dog pizza pocket?

Pros: The taste of freedom in every bite, continuing the proud tradition of combining pizza and hot dogs, presumably personally approved by John McCain, will make you want to bust out your best red white and blue tableware, the only thing standing between you and dinner is 90 seconds, conveniently portable (would fit snugly in a hobbit’s pocket), looks like a chopped up can of cocktail weenies and as we all know you can’t go wrong with cocktail weenies

Cons: It looks like someone chewed up a can of cocktail weenies and than spit out the premasticated slop into a cardboard tube, like a hot dog vomit pocket swimming in a ketchup-y cheese gravy, I see the word “pizza” on the box but there is nothing pizza related in there so I don’t think it counts as a serving of vegetables, limited edition so often means “We don’t think this item has long term appeal so we’re banking on your poor impulse buying decisions”, to be really American it should come with some kind of frosting or dipping packet and you should maybe hear an eagle scream when you bust open the box otherwise it’s just a pale imitation of the real thing

Would you eat a hot dog pocket?

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Nom or Vom: Second Servings of Sipping Pleasure

In a world where two major name brand colas dominate the market, other would-be soda magnates have to try increasingly outrageous things to draw the attention of your average consumer. Rocket Fizz Soda Pop has attempted to capture the full range of the flavor spectrum in their sodas, from the more palatable sounding “Melba’s Fixins” to the more…uh…adventurous “Lester’s Fixins” offerings, two of which I recently spotted in the wild:

 

bacon chocolate soda

Pros: At least two parts of the food pyramid in one handy dandy package! It’s surprisingly difficult to find the nutritional information online but this is at least vegetarian and maybe even vegan so hey, it’s an all-inclusive flavor, you can have it for breakfast or dessert–anytime at all!

Cons: They tried to hide the fact that it’s artificial bacon with that shitty font and color and artificial bacon is the devil, it’s not like real bacon in soda form would be any better, artificial chocolate can be pretty wretched as well, stop trying to make bacon chocolate happen, I’m envisioning a chemicall-y smoky bitter yoo-hoo and I’m heaving a little

Would you drink chocolate bacon soda?

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buffalo wing soda

Pros: What better thing to drink while you’re eating hot wings than a beverage that tastes like hot wings? Chicken without the hassle of chewing! A higher calorie way to drink your favorite condiment! Drink your lunch without getting fired!

Cons: What, no ranch…nevermind, nobody is going to put your photo up on the wall for this wing challenge, Lester’s soulless eyes reflect your thousand yard stare after opening your wallet and your gullet to his ruse

Would you drink hot wing soda?

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Nom or Vom: This Ice Cream Stinks

Why? Why would you commit this crime against ice cream? What has ice cream ever done to you, Pink’s?

Here is an actual list of tasting notes from people who have tried Pink’s Durian:

“Like a gas leak. Seriously, should we be doing this in here?”

“Burnt onion compost”

“Like onions mixed with raw sewage.”

“There’s a sweet, wet-peat undertone to it.”

“Oh no. It’s getting stronger as it warms up.”

“If my four-year-old were here right now, he’d be asking who farted.”

DOES THAT SOUND LIKE ICE CREAM SUCCESS TO YOU, PINK’S!??! …ahem.

Pros: For the first time in the history of ice cream no one will try to dig a spoon into your pint, it’s…uh…local?, you can brag about not being a (durian) virgin if that’s the sort of thing you like to brag about, probably easy to stop eating, there usually isn’t a huge smell component to cold food so it’s got a little extra sensory zazz

Cons: The slimy durian texture will make it glide down your throat like a wretched slug and then maybe back out again, durian is the fruit that checks your ticket at the door of Fruit Prom, the fruit voted both “smells most like barf” and “most likely to make you barf” in the yearbook, this ice cream may be durian’s revenge

Would you eat durian ice cream?

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Nom or Vom: That’s Not Kosher, Dudes

bacon oreos

It’s a food rule that putting two delicious foods together results in a superfood that’s slightly more than twice as delicious. Cheese and burgers? Check. A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla? Check. A spicy chicken strip rolled up in a pizza slice? Ok, maybe that was invented just now, but the point is that two great tastes together taste even greater. Some monstergenius has taken this to the next level and deep-fried bacon-wrapped Oreos.

Pros: It’s bacon, it’s oreos, it’s deep-fried, what’s not to like? Bacon bacon bacon!

Cons: The bacon and frying process may overwhelm the stuf, which is integral to the oreo experience, and may in fact be the best part of the oreo experience. Deep frying, sadly, does not always make foods tastier. They just plain do not look appetizing and you eat with your eyes first, especially desserts. Bacon fatigue–is there anywhere it won’t wrap its bacony fingers? Is nothing sacred?

 

ronswansonbaconoreo

Would you eat deep fried bacon oreos?

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Nom or Vom: Peep This

peeps_milk

 

What the hell, dairy industry? We’re only supposed to get thirty sweet noggy days in December, and spend the rest of the year atoning for our eggnog overindulgences. But now there’s an eggnog or an unusual flavored milk for nearly every season! I’m still waiting for the limited edition Patriot Nog in July with a mix-in packet of pop rocks so you can drink fireworks. Or rose-flavored Mother’s Day nog. Year round birthday cake nog!

Peeps have never been on the top of my Easter candy consumption list, and this seems to be true for a lot of other people as well given the proliferation of things around the internet people have done to avoid eating them. Now their very essence has been drained, their tiny Peep-y souls sucked out and blended with milk for your pleasure. You monster.

But wait, there’s more–one of them is pastel yellow, the most appetizing of all milk colors next to green milk (Let’s be real though, all non brown or white milk colors are kind of nauseating)! Is that the nog? Or the marshmallow, as a homage to classic Peeps yellow? Either way, you’re in for a, uh…treat.

peeps_milk_2

Pros: We’re getting older, time is going by faster, why not use strange milks to mark the seasons? You could probably make fancy starbucks style drinks for pennies on the dollar if only you can look your checkout person in the eye when buying Peeps milk (but that’s what robo registers are for!). These are absolutely loaded with sugar so soon you’ll be hyped up with Peeps Brand Energy!

Cons: The inevitable comedown from your Peeps Brand Energy high and chasing that limited edition Peeps Brand Dragon which means eventual Peeps Brand Rehab, yellow milk, if it’s anything like an actual Peep it will manage to be stale, chewy, and grainy (mmmmm!), eventual burnout on festive nogs, isn’t it getting a little too warm out for nog anyway?

milk was a bad choice

Would you drink Peeps milk?

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Nom or Vom: Nilbog Milk

numoo green milk

“Here’s some Nilbog milk. Special milk. High in vitamin content. Here, it’s free. Of course it’s free. We love tourists here in Nilbog. Try some, boy. And have some of your friends drink some also.”

So what do you say, friends? Care to drink some vitamin rich mint vanilla green milk in your latte, on your cereal, or as a tall, refreshing accompaniment to dinner?

Pros: Everybody’s talking about the benefits of green smoothies so this is a way for you to join in without any (shudder) vegetables getting involved, you can make your own shamrock shakes instead of being bound by the St. Patrick’s Day only tyranny of the McDonalds corp, serves double-duty as a breath freshener, the preferred beverage of  the leprechaun council, could make your Lucky Charms more magically delicious

Cons: Green milk looks like it was curdled out of the diseased udder of a zombie cow, may have been squeezed from actual endangered leprechauns, will almost certainly cause you to be eaten by a Nilbog goblin

troll2

 

Would you drink green milk?

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Nom or Vom: Ice Cream for Dinner

salted caramel thanksgiving turkeyPhoto via Salt & Straw

Something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving: someone has finally pushed the envelope and made ice cream for every course of your holiday meal–hazelnut rosemary stuffing, salted caramel thanksgiving turkey, honey bourbon corn pudding, sweet potato casserole with maple pecans, and spiced chevre pumpkin pie. I’m only picking one for today’s poll and since we already covered Sweet Corn Ice Cream back in 2009, Salt & Straw describes their Salted Caramel Thanksgiving Turkey flavor thusly: “A head rush of sweet and salty with a pinch of adventure. All the flavors of a roasted turkey, its juices and the caramelized onions underneath, are packed into a turkey fat caramel ice cream, then speckled with handmade fried turkey skin brittle.”

Pros: That feeling you get as an adult when you’re eating ice cream for dinner, there is absolutely no way this turkey is dry, that feeling you get when you’re eating multiple kinds of ice cream for dinner.

Cons:  So, uh, is the creamy part of the ice cream turkey fat, because I don’t know how to deal with that, and I also don’t know how to feel about fried turkey skin brittle and caramelized onion ice cream, and maybe the Thanksgiving meal flavors are just not meant to be ice creamized, or soda-ized for that matter.

Would you eat salted caramel thanksgiving turkey ice cream?

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Happy Thanksgiving, friends! Whatever you voted, I hope your meal is delicious and you’re surrounded by the best people.

Nom or Vom: Extreme to the Max, Bro

dewitos

This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill. PepsiCo is testing Mountain Dew flavored with Doritos at select colleges and universities, and calling the resulting abomination “Dewitos”. Also in the running must have been “Dorm Room: The Beverage”, “Gamez Quencher”, and “Malnutrition: A Portrait of the United States”.

Pros: It’s basically the college fine wine pairing but all at once so you don’t waste any time sniffing and swirling and commingling in your mouth, the fine flavor of Doritos kicking your Mountain Dew up a notch, the fine flavor of Mountain Dew sprinkled atop a Dorito without any sharp edges, saving money on buying Mountain Dew and Doritos separately so you can splurge on the fancy gum to cleanse your palate, no more tiresome chewing

Cons: My great readers have already determined the proper ways to consume mass quantities of liquid nacho cheese and none of them involved blending it with Mountain Dew, not the drink we need (though possibly the one we deserve), mentally envisioning the flavor of a soggy Mountain-Dew-logged Dorito, drinking this is like making a pact with the junk food devil: you’ll never be truly clean again

 

Would you drink dew-ritos?

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Nom or Vom: Death By Chocolate…And Poison, I’ll Stick In Some Poison

chocolate covered scorpionvia ThinkGeek

Oh chocolate, you giveth and you taketh away, giving us a desire for dessert and at the same time, a revulsion so great that we may never eat dessert again. What is the lesson we’ve learned? If it can be covered in chocolate, it will be covered in chocolate. And someone will probably eat it. Is that someone you?

Pros: Enrobed in chocolate like all the finest things in life, devenomed for your eating pleasure, not eating insects is just a western social construct, probably like the crunchiest chocolate covered chip in the world…

Cons: …Except that it’s also filled with goo and is made of scorpion, you have to chew the stinger thoroughly to prevent it from scratching your esophagus on the way down which means more time in your mouth, given our Western social constructs you can prepare to never be tongue-kissed again by attractive people who now know you’re a bug-eater, being haunted by the ghost of a pissed off scorpion who can call his fully-venomous brethren on you

Would you eat a chocolate covered scorpion?

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Nom or Vom: The Anus That Made Britain Great

edible anusvia Edible Anus

 

“Rings of succulent chocolate cast and crafted from the posterior of our stunning butt model.” That pretty much sums it up, from the makers of other high-quality items like “pop out poo cards” and washcloths with the word “cuntface” embroidered on them. Some poor soul agreed to have their butthole molded for the sake of chocolate, and evidently other people will eat it.

Pros: It’s possibly made with decent chocolate, comes in dark, milk, and white chocolate so there’s something for everyone, supposedly what made britain great (surely not just a marketing slogan)

Cons: Anus shape, it’s designed to be distasteful so how good could it taste, I am so highly suggestible that no matter what flavor I tried it would smell and taste like poop to me, cast from an actual bootyhole, the texture you feel on your tongue is stranger anus, I don’t even like looking at my dog’s butt and I love him, not just dark, milk, and white chocolate but “meek milk” “dilated dark” and “tight white” oh god I am vomiting already

Would you eat a chocolate anus?

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