“Can we look in our little red boxes?” “Ladies, get out your mirrors!”

Two days until Valentine’s Day and the majority of the straight male population is thinking about vagina: Will they get some? How over-the-top-ridiculous do they have to behave to not be banished to the couch? Will she notice if I wrap up some Halloween candy in newspaper? No seriously, will they get some?

Ladies: I propose that you give vagina some thought, too, particularly if you don’t have enough other flaws to obsess over.

Is it pink enough? A dye job might be in order if you want to have the appeal of pre-necrotic Marilyn!

Are you neat and trimmed? Have you considered a design? Perhaps a sweet little heart or for the more swaggery among you, a bitchin’ set of mutton chops?

Is it as fresh and youthful feeling as your face? Is it time to schedule a Vajacial? This anti-aging treatment will keep your business from looking like Dumbo’s trunk.

While you’re in the area, anal bleaching is all the rage and will really demonstrate to your man (and the press and your peers if you are Britney Spears) that you’re willing to go the extra mileinch to be aesthetically pleasing.

Last but not least, it’s too late to surprise your man with a designer vagina or a restitched hymen this year (during the healing process, it’s apt to look like your cooter went six rounds with Tyson) but it’s never too early to book for next year! Hopefully by this time next year, I can get speakers installed so that when I whip off my panties, the low rumbling tones of Barry White will emanate pleasingly from my ladybusiness. I will call it my vajayPod.

With it all tricked out like an amusement park, an admittance price of flowers doesn’t seem particularly high, does it?

56 Comments “Can we look in our little red boxes?” “Ladies, get out your mirrors!”

  1. autonomic_pilot February 11, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Holy crap, people put stuff like that up in there?

    Ugh ugh ugh ugh….

    Also, it never stops creeping me out that it’s apparently normal to go someplace and have some woman you barely know mess around down there with hot wax and strange smelling chemicals. For like an hour. In daylight.

    1. admin February 11, 2010 at 7:47 pm

      It’s not like the dentist, either, where you have an excuse not to respond to their questions because their hands are up to the wrist in your mouth, you are actually expected to hold a conversation with the lady for whom you are spreading your cheeks.

  2. g33kgrrl February 11, 2010 at 7:52 pm

    Yergh. Way to kill my libido.

    1. admin February 11, 2010 at 7:55 pm

      You know this is tongue-in-cheek, right?

      1. g33kgrrl February 11, 2010 at 8:13 pm

        I should have been more clear! I just meant the idea of putting lysol up my hoo-ha or bleach anywhere near any of my business makes me want to not put anything near it ever. Know what I mean?

        But I guess that would mean the terrorists have won.

        1. admin February 11, 2010 at 8:19 pm

          If you’re not using Nature’s Pocket to sneak contraband past airport security, yes, the terrorists have won.

      2. cunninggod February 11, 2010 at 8:15 pm

        I thought it was pointers on encouraging tongue-in-twat action 😉

        This coming from a guy already packing bitchin’ set of mutton chops

        1. admin February 11, 2010 at 8:20 pm

          I guess if you like the taste of Lysol…

          1. cunninggod February 11, 2010 at 8:22 pm

            Well, aside from that part…I do have to say that the idea of Lysol down there sounds pretty damned painful. And I don’t even own a vagina. I just worship them

          2. admin February 11, 2010 at 8:27 pm

            And yet you don’t agree that the odor of Lysol equates instant dainty feminine allure? It is not just an opinion, it is scientifically correct, sir!

          3. cunninggod February 11, 2010 at 8:37 pm

            Aye, the smell of Lysol emanating from lady parts makes my man parts turn into a raging bull….

            …wait, that’s not true. I would say that would make my man parts want to retreat for fear of the burning.

            Now Mr Sparkle and lady parts….mmmmm

          4. scearley February 11, 2010 at 8:42 pm

            What if, instead of Lysol, it was Pledge?

          5. admin February 11, 2010 at 8:43 pm

            How about pine-sol?

          6. scearley February 11, 2010 at 8:47 pm

            I dunno. I am not totally into the smell of Pine-sol.

            Though to be fair, if I walk into a room and it’s heavy with the smell of Pine-Sol, I know that it’s fucking clean in that room. SO maybe there’s something to that.

          7. admin February 11, 2010 at 9:06 pm

            “Wow, it smells like you just banged Mr. Clean!”

          8. scearley February 11, 2010 at 9:20 pm

            Funny, all I can think of is that huge pushy black woman in the Pine-Sol ads. “Get down there and sniff my cooter! SNIFF IT! Don’t that smell clean?!”

          9. cunninggod February 11, 2010 at 9:24 pm

            Good thing I didn’t have mouthful of fluid when I read that otherwise I’d be needing a new keyboard as it would have exploded out my nose lol

          10. raincitylady February 12, 2010 at 1:48 am

            That is quite the image you evoke!

          11. cunninggod February 11, 2010 at 9:08 pm

            Pine-sol tends to induce a gag reflex in me if the smell is too strong. So unless one is into having warm vomit put on the lady parts, it would not work for me

          12. admin February 11, 2010 at 9:25 pm

            I guess if I wanted it to smell like the back of a cab, that’s one way to go about it.

          13. cunninggod February 11, 2010 at 9:28 pm

            Back-of-a-cab smell would detract from your super-cute status

          14. cunninggod February 11, 2010 at 9:06 pm

            Pledge Extra Moisturizing prevents drying out and cracking with no waxy build-up with a fresh lemon scent…everybody loves lemon-fresh scent, right?

          15. scearley February 11, 2010 at 9:19 pm

            There could be a market for “New Car Smell” vag spray. Hm.

          16. cunninggod February 11, 2010 at 9:26 pm

            Or better yet, “New Vag Smell”…’make your vagina smell like a virgin’ lol

  3. cordelia_rose February 11, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    Flowers?! psst, Everyone knows that real love means overpriced shiny rocks some brown kids dug out of a whole in the ground!
    And flowers.

    1. admin February 11, 2010 at 8:15 pm

      If a poor brown child didn’t have his hand chopped off to make my ring, goddamnit, we’re through!

      I want EVERY gift given me to be symbolically bathed in the blood of the unfortunate! Baby seal pelt coats! Diamond rings! A hippie-skin rug!

  4. Anonymous February 11, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    RE: Metro Tunnel Assault

    Hey there — it appears that some bug in the WordPress/LiveJournal mirroring nuked your comment when I updated the post (for some reason, rather than updating posts, it’s now deleting and re-posting…grrr).

    I added your comment to my post, though. That’s an aspect I’d had pop into my head, but that I forgot to incorporate into the original post. This whole thing just makes me ill.

    1. djwudi February 11, 2010 at 8:42 pm

      Re: Metro Tunnel Assault

      Blastdabfraggenpakaloomer. I could have sworn I was signed in. Meh.

      1. admin February 11, 2010 at 8:43 pm

        Re: Metro Tunnel Assault

        I knew who it was. 😉

  5. feckalyn February 11, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    The vulvacial thing… they are simply advocating putting those products on just the mons and labia majora, right?!? I think I’ll pass on any antibacterial products on my labia minora and surrounding tissue (let alone in my vagina but the vulva/vagina misunderstanding is whole ‘nother kettle of fish), thanks.

    1. admin February 11, 2010 at 9:02 pm

      I guess so, my understanding is that it’s intended to soothe and rejuvenate the area that gets waxed. As for the name, I’m guessing they’re pandering to the lowest common denominator and ‘Vag-something’ will ring more bells than ‘Vulv-something’.

  6. scearley February 11, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    I follow a bunch of strippers and sex workers on twitter, and they were all abuzz recently about some device you can put up in there that has some kind of small pocket that breaks and oozes blood-like fluid to create a re-de-verginization.

    1. admin February 11, 2010 at 8:59 pm

      Yeah, you know what every woman REALLY wants is a way to ooze blood out of there MORE often.

      1. scearley February 11, 2010 at 9:16 pm

        I have no idea why you would want it back, since most people are in such a big fucking hurry to get rid of it in the first place.

    2. mschilepepper February 11, 2010 at 9:19 pm

      Pfft, that’s nothing new. Used to be, the nobility would use a chicken’s bladder filled with its blood to fake a hymen rupture on a wedding night. And then they’d show the bloody sheet to all the wedding guests! Hooray!

      1. scearley February 11, 2010 at 9:21 pm

        yes but this is reusable. And not really intended to fake anyone out, but to “relive moments.”

        Plus I imagine this way it’s kosher for passover.

        1. admin February 11, 2010 at 9:23 pm

          If there’s one awkward moment in my life that I’m just DYING to relive, that’d be it.

          1. scearley February 11, 2010 at 9:24 pm

            this way you could film it for posterity.

            or your memorial. Wouldn’t that be a hit?

          2. admin February 11, 2010 at 9:27 pm

            Oh that IS a good idea. Ideally, I’d like a video-enabled tombstone that will show that clip over and over and over again.

    1. admin February 11, 2010 at 9:00 pm

      AHAHAHA!

      I hear it’s also a way to fool sparkle vampires into having sex with you.

  7. mschilepepper February 11, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    My mother knew a lady who douched with bleach, thinking it was similar to the vinegar-and-water solution that is so recommended. Ow. She eventually had to have all her internal ladybusiness removed because of it. D:

    1. admin February 11, 2010 at 9:22 pm

      YEEOWCH.

      I guess that’s one way to take care of business.

      1. mschilepepper February 11, 2010 at 9:28 pm

        From all indications, this woman was what you’d call “slow”, so it’s not surprising she did it. By then she’d had a whole passel of children, as well, so no chance the dumb genes aren’t out there floating around.

        Also, if I’m not mistaken, the Lysol was never intended to be used full strength for douching; I think the formula was just a few drops in water to fill the douchebag, which probably held at least a quart of water, something like that. Ha ha, Firefox thinks douchebag is misspelled!

        1. admin February 11, 2010 at 9:42 pm

          Firefox is against scientifically correct vaginal hygiene!

          …douchebags.

          P.S. LJ’s spellechecker thinks ‘douchebag’ should turn into either ‘dishrag’, ‘torchbearer’, ‘hatchback’, or ‘shutterbug’.

          1. mschilepepper February 11, 2010 at 9:46 pm

            BWA! I remember when I was doing the Chamber of Commerce newsletter, Word thought one guy’s surname, Snure, should be “Superman”. I was so amused at the thought of that nerdy lawyer secretly being a superhero.

          2. admin February 12, 2010 at 12:02 am

            Did he wear glasses? He could whip them off dramatically and save the day!

          3. mschilepepper February 12, 2010 at 12:29 am

            No, he did not! Alas!

  8. dear_amaranth February 12, 2010 at 3:02 am

    I haven’t read all the comments – has someone else already made a quip about the dyes used to make your vagina pink and the ones used to give farm-raised salmon its pink color?

    1. admin February 12, 2010 at 10:47 am

      Nope, you’re the first! 🙂

  9. iamthedarkangel February 12, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    You think that’s bad

    This story happened way back when Listerine strips first came out. A bunch of my friends had gotten hooked on the strips trying to see how many we could handle at a time due to the burning sensation, much like the Wasabi challenge where you try to see who can handle the most without tearing.

    So one of said genius friends was getting intimate with his then gf and hooked on the taste of Listerine strips. He envisioned it improving the flavor of this entry’s said lusciousness, much like one may think that the awesome flavors of Pizza and Milkshake together would be even more awesome.

    Without her knowledge or consent, he used one of the Listerine strips on her womanhood. Imagine, if you will, a woman running around the room completely naked, screaming at the top of her lungs “IT BURNS! OH GOD IT BURNS!” and you would have a close approximation of what happened to her.

    So moral of the story? Dainty fresh < Minty Fresh

    1. admin February 12, 2010 at 8:23 pm

      Re: You think that’s bad

      OH MY GOD

      OH MY GOD

      OH MY GOD

      I would have killed him. No jury on earth would convict me.

      1. iamthedarkangel February 12, 2010 at 8:35 pm

        Re: You think that’s bad

        She married him. 🙂

        The best part was at their bachelor/bachelorette parties. I ended up driving them down to AC and one our mutual friends was there. The friend from the story was instructed to tell no one. Naturally he told everybody. The mutual friend brought it up during the car ride and all I hear is “YOU. TOLD. THEM!?!”

        Naturally the friend who told everyone tried to pass the buck and accused of me of telling the mutual friend (which was impossible as I didn’t know him at the time the Listerine incident occurred). Sadly, she believed him too. So then way after all this happened, the friend and I were hanging out in his car and I had a pack of Listerine strips in my pocket. We stopped to get lunch through a drive through and I pulled my wallet out which caused the strips to fall out.

        Needless to say, a day or so later, they were driving together and she found them. Naturally she went off on him. Apparently because she’s still under the impression that I told the mutual friend the story, she thought I left it there as a joke for her.

  10. lady_sotha February 13, 2010 at 8:51 am

    I am TOTALLY getting some.

    Oh wait, I have a vagina. I don’t have to try to get some; I just need to be willing to take what I can get. On that note, fuck douching. What a wonderful way to screw up your vajayjay’s PH levels. Natural (yet well groomed) ftw!

  11. redrumpirate February 17, 2010 at 2:48 am

    its like Heroin used to be prescribed for headaches ;/ The more you know.

  12. poetrix618 February 22, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    Nothing I started to write seemed appropriate so…. o_0 .

Comments are closed.