Buffetitties / Boobieffet

Every once in a great while, there will be an event or locale that combines two flavors or activities that you previously enjoyed separately. Voodoo Doughnuts, for example, has combined the maple bar and bacon. The Cardboard Tube Dueling League has combined costumes and hurting people. Today, a group of bold adventurers visited Club SinRock, which has combined strippers and a buffet.

Now, for as much as the owner insisted to the press that his club would be ‘classy, like Vegas’, this isn’t a Vegas-style buffet with chefs in tall hats whipping up custom Mongolian Grill noodle bowls or six different kinds of crab legs flown in daily, it’s a buffet in that you choose whether or not to eat the main dish and two sides, and that should you wish to eat a truly mountainous pile of delicious ham, you are free to do so.

…As I worked through my mountain of ham, the stripper onstage caught my gaze and held it. I’ve never had such a sustained period of eye contact with a nude person while stuffing my face, and it was made all the more surreal given how adept she was at making ‘come hither’ faces. It was as though she had effectively turned the tables on me–no longer was it lunch at the strip club, but naked day at the zoo and it was time to watch the tigers eat ham.

When I wasn’t being watched from the stage, it felt oddly decadent to be in a strip club during daylight hours, like I’d slipped into the shoes of Motley Crue, save the heroin and booze. So really nothing like Motley Crue at all. But the club is appointed astonishingly well; plush and almost tasteful, and is assuredly the nicest strip club I’ve ever been to, and I’ve actually been to quite a few.

Aside from our group of nine, there were a couple of single guys in the club, and they seemed to dominate the strippers’ attention when they were prowling the floor looking for private dances. This changed when Sean bought each of the ladies a drink, and they each at least came over to thank him for it. One of them turned to me and said “It’s your birthday? So what do you want?” I was flummoxed. She bounced up and down and asked if I’d like her to rub herself all over me.

It may be only the third time in history that I was truly at a loss for words. She led me off to the back and did turrible, turrrrrrible things to me. Side note: typically when I ‘set’ my eyeshadow, it’s not going to budge for the day. Apparently this method is not boobie-proof.

Later in the afternoon (we were there for two hours!), she came back out and led me away for another birthday lapdance. This time she told me that she’d given a dance to a guy who told her that she smelled different than she did during the first dance she’d given him, and she told him that some of my perfume had rubbed off onto her, so it was like I had given a lap dance by proxy. His exact quote was, apparently “Two girls? Holy shit, that’s hot.”

Now I am back in the office, I smell like strippers, and I am simultaneously trying to look inconspicuous while wearing a shiteating grin. Best lunch break ever.

66 Comments Buffetitties / Boobieffet

  1. darkkatpouncing April 22, 2010 at 12:11 am

    Buffetitties / Boobieffet

    BEST STORY EVER!GRRR TIGER GRRR! LOL! I was laughing out loud at the bus stop. I’m sure everyone thought I’d lost it ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. admin April 22, 2010 at 12:14 am

      Re: Buffetitties / Boobieffet

      That’s good, it means no one will sit next to you on the bus! ๐Ÿ˜€

    2. wildcelticrose April 22, 2010 at 12:17 am

      Re: Buffetitties / Boobieffet

      that’s a great way to get a seat to yourself.

  2. scearley April 22, 2010 at 12:11 am

    I’d better write up something as well. Wouldn’t want people to miss out on the complete misadventure.

    1. admin April 22, 2010 at 12:15 am

      I think it’s important that the whole story be told.

      And I also think it’s important that this place installs a soft-serve ice cream machine, pronto.

      1. echoeversky April 22, 2010 at 3:04 am

        omfgyes

        that’s a total YES! YES YES YES!

      2. morlith April 22, 2010 at 3:08 am

        If they install a soft serve ice cream machine, you and I both know that the ice cream won’t just be served on cones…or at least cones of different types anyway.

        1. admin April 22, 2010 at 4:10 am

          I am ok with this.

  3. doctoreon April 22, 2010 at 12:18 am

    My only experience with strip clubs was a horrible trip to two in one day in Tijuana. That was like a dozen years ago. I sometimes consider going to a better one near where I live, but then I take a nap. In short, I am old.

    1. admin April 22, 2010 at 12:30 am

      I find that horrible experiences usually make for great stories, and if this is the case, I would absolutely like to hear about what made these two strip clubs in TJ so terrible.

      1. doctoreon April 22, 2010 at 12:33 am

        Oh lord. I think the things that stick out most in my mind are: a) the girl who danced to Born in the USA followed by b) the girl who danced to What if God Was One of Us. The shadowed coupling of stripper and skeevy dude in across the club from me can’t be washed from my brain either. Oh, and none of those strippers were what I would call attractive – even if I were fall-down drunk.

        1. admin April 22, 2010 at 12:41 am

          What IF god was a stripper? Just sayin’.

          1. doctoreon April 22, 2010 at 1:24 am

            I would tithe.

    2. thetar April 22, 2010 at 1:07 am

      ha. my only time when i was 17 in wisconsin which maybe a mexican prison would have been better.

      glad to know i am not the only victim of bad strippers.

      1. doctoreon April 22, 2010 at 1:37 am

        My girlfriend told me that one time while in Tijuana she saw a pre-op transgender stripper hit another stripper over the head with a heavy glass ashtray because she didn’t get off the at the end of her song. Tijuana is no joke.

        1. thetar April 22, 2010 at 1:41 am

          now that is amazing! tijuana goes big or lets the cartel kill ya. ha!

        2. admin April 22, 2010 at 2:00 am

          Now, THAT I would pay to see.

          1. doctoreon April 22, 2010 at 2:04 am

            I’m kind of jealous that my girlfriend has seen way more strippers than I have. They were also way better quality. She used to live with a stripper who was best friends with Dita Von Teese before she was Dita.

            In case you’re wondering, yes, I do know her. She’s really nice. She also once asked my girlfriend to have a “girl party” with her and some of her stripper friends. Despite what my girlfriend says, in my imagination, she said yes.

          2. admin April 22, 2010 at 2:08 am

            That is simultaneously so awesome and sexy my brain is melting. Loooooove Dita!

          3. doctoreon April 22, 2010 at 2:11 am

            She is very tiny. I would be afraid to have sex with her because I might break her.

          4. admin April 22, 2010 at 4:10 am

            That’s always a concern with the tiny ones. I once dated a guy who was like a toothpick and I was terrified about shattering his tiny bird bones.

          5. doctoreon April 22, 2010 at 6:10 am

            Pretty much.

  4. thetar April 22, 2010 at 1:05 am

    good stuff.

  5. girlpirate April 22, 2010 at 1:17 am

    This sounds 19373x than how I spent my day, which was spent sitting. Bored.

    1. admin April 22, 2010 at 4:09 am

      Lame ๐Ÿ™ When I get a car I swear I will come hang out with you on your weekend evenings. If you want.

  6. assassinpandora April 22, 2010 at 2:31 am

    Man I wish I could have gone with you!

    1. admin April 22, 2010 at 4:08 am

      Next time!

  7. nicolemarieh April 22, 2010 at 3:09 am

    OMG I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THIS AND I SO COULD HAVE GONE !!!!!

    ๐Ÿ™

    please do this day over, thank you.

    1. admin April 22, 2010 at 4:08 am

      We could do another day sometime. ๐Ÿ˜€

    2. mschilepepper April 22, 2010 at 8:50 am

      My birthday’s on a Friday this year. I know where I want to go for lunch, and you’re invited!

      1. admin April 22, 2010 at 4:59 pm

        hahahahaha awesome!

  8. morlith April 22, 2010 at 3:10 am

    I generally don’t go to strip clubs, but for a lunch buffet? DUDE. I’d so go with you!

    1. admin April 22, 2010 at 4:08 am

      It was pretty rad!

  9. gldngrrl April 22, 2010 at 3:38 am

    so, apparently the 6 foot rule isn’t STRICTLY followed there.

    1. admin April 22, 2010 at 4:07 am

      The 6 foot law is that you can’t be closer than 6 feet to a NAKED lady. A bra & panty clad lady sitting on your lap is totally legal.

      1. echoeversky April 22, 2010 at 4:11 am

        yea..

        just imagine one in a full lycra suit heh

        1. admin April 22, 2010 at 4:24 am

          Re: yea..

          Actually, I was just wondering if it would be legal for them to wear clear tops and bottoms during lapdances, or nylon or something. Technically it’s clothes!

  10. wildcelticrose April 22, 2010 at 12:16 am

    OMG!

    This post is HILARIOUS!

    and I needed to lighten up.

    I’m a stressed out, indignant, enraged, red-headed Scorpio with an attitude right now.

    That’s just not good for anyone ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. admin April 22, 2010 at 12:20 am

      Time for a round with the punching bag and then a nice hot bath with a glass of wine, yes?

        1. admin April 22, 2010 at 12:31 am

          That looks really cool!

        2. scearley April 22, 2010 at 6:16 am

          Well now I know where Dulcinea’s 100th Monkey in Denver got its name.

  11. vurumai April 22, 2010 at 8:09 am

    We gotta do that again

    1. vurumai April 22, 2010 at 8:10 am

      And by we I mean you and by again I mean tape it in the back of a pickup

  12. apestyle April 22, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Oh…I guess there’s no 6 foot rule on birthdays? I like this loophole.

    1. apestyle April 22, 2010 at 4:08 pm

      Oh nevermind, just read the thread.

    2. admin April 22, 2010 at 5:00 pm

      hahaha that would be an interesting clause to have written into law! ๐Ÿ˜€

  13. lightningflash April 22, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    It was delightful! And then I got asked by a 90 year old lady later in the evening “so, what did you do with your day?” and I couldn’t tell her my AWESOME STORY of 20 minutes-in-a-strip-club because it would have shocked her to the core of her ladylike soul and I might have killed her with heart failure.

    I would totes do this again!

    1. admin April 22, 2010 at 4:59 pm

      Seriously for the rest of the day, I was smirking at people because they had no idea that I spent my lunch looking at boobs.

      1. lightningflash April 22, 2010 at 5:00 pm

        Good times, good times ๐Ÿ˜€

  14. electriclime April 22, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    I am acutely aware that I am doing my birthday wrong.

    1. admin April 22, 2010 at 4:58 pm

      It’s not too late to make a change of plans!

      Also I could actually get home from SinRock…

      1. echoeversky April 22, 2010 at 5:11 pm

        Now..

        a stripclub/bowling alley mashup sounds like awesome.. you could call it the TU Factory Bowl

  15. yimmy149 April 22, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    This is why girls are awesome, you got a couple lap dances from a girl and had fun.

    If I had survived a naked guy grinding on me, I would need a couple years of therapy.

    1. admin April 22, 2010 at 5:07 pm

      hahahaha All I can picture is you riding a subway somewhere and some naked guy leaps out, presses play on a boombox, and goes to town!

  16. echoeversky April 22, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Any heads up..

    on any Boobquakes caused by this event?

  17. weaselmom April 22, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    OK, my friend? Who had the surgery yesterday? Can never make this up to me.

    I blanched a little bit where you describe chowing down on the ham on account of Dan Savage’s famous description of ladybits looking like “a canned ham dropped from a great height.”

    Also not so very sure about taking a bahoobie to the eyesocket. Surely it would dislodge a contact. Otherwise, it sounds like a really interesting day and I predict a great uptick in the number of birthday lunches they host over the next several months.

    1. admin April 23, 2010 at 12:03 am

      hahahahaha Dan Savage’s opinion of what my junk looks like holds very little sway with me, regardless of how brilliant he might be in other areas.

      1. weaselmom April 23, 2010 at 5:53 pm

        I know! He is *hardly* without bias in this matter.

  18. jessidear84 April 26, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    Gods bless this beautiful country, and your soul for sharing. I must find this place and claim it’s my birthday.

    1. admin April 27, 2010 at 4:46 pm

      I highly recommend it!

  19. fete_pindon April 27, 2010 at 6:24 am

    you continue to inspire me.

    1. admin April 27, 2010 at 4:46 pm

      Haven’t seen you around these parts lately, thought you’d given up on LJ! ๐Ÿ™‚

      1. fete_pindon April 29, 2010 at 12:37 am

        more a reader than a poster these days.

        i really ought to start posting again though, lots going on in upside down land…..

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