Today the new Gander Mountain store opened. Which is conveniently located right next door to the porn store. Porno and guns within a mile radius….life is beautiful.
All day on the radio it was ‘Gander Mountain’ this and ‘Gander Mountain’ that, so after work I went over to check it out. As I walked in the door, I was given a free gunlock. I have no idea what I might do with said gunlock, as I do not own, and have no intentions of ever purchasing a gun. And if I *did*, I wouldn’t want to lock it, I’d want to shoot people.
While there, I stopped and picked up a flyer for the ‘Bear Mountain Lodge’ where you hunt RAGING RUSSIAN BOAR! (And yet it’s BEAR Mountain…and you hunt BOAR…) This flyer is possibly one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my entire life. They used photoshop techniques to have place a WALL OF FIRE behind a RAGING RUSSIAN BOAR’S head– But wait! There’s more! Not satisfied with the amount of fire on the cover, they felt it was extra important to erase the boar’s eyes so that the WALL OF FIRE showed through–signifying that a terrifying hellbeast which needs to be shot resides at Bear Mountain. I have for you an excerpt (I swear I am not making this up):
“The word ‘Rampage’ can hardly describe the charge of the Russian Boar. When the hunt is on, time stands still, as the mighty beasts, one after another, will challenge you for ultimate supremacy. At the Mountain you set the stage and deliver the messenger that brings forth the kiss of death. Wheel guns are legal and fun as you unleash the most awesome power available. The monstrous boom and the flames of destruction are at your fingertips. Remember when you are up close and personal with a charging boar you may need every one of those precious jewels of death contained in your massive cylinders, as a raging boar can take a tremendous amount of firepower and KEEP ON COMING. Whatever weapon you choose this is ‘his’ campground. These treacherous beasts prowl the dark and shaded areas awaiting your arrival. It is up to you, as to when and where to unleash deadly force.”
I was seriously waiting for a line that said ‘When you hunt RAGING RUSSIAN BOAR, watch your penis extend to a FULL THREE METERS! p0WNz0r THAT BOAR AND BECOME MASTER OF YOUR DOMAIN!!!1~’
Maybe they need me to write their next booklet.