Astoria is a game that punishes everyone who plays (part two)

After we left the Heritage Museum, we decided to spend a little more time exploring Astoria, coins jingling in pockets, as if we hadn’t just spent an hour learning how dangerous the city could be. This is a lesson that would soon be firmly cemented for all of us, for next on the list was a visit to the Goonies House. 28726_398696523939_1945521_n

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Outside the Goonies House was the Goonies Welcome Wagon Cat, who stood out front and mrowled to be petted. Rachel complied with his demanding mrowls, and he loved it, up until the point where he didn’t and bit her hard enough to draw blood. 28726_398695263939_607518_n

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We are still waiting for the tests to come back to see if she’s contracted Goonies Rabies. The cat has now been named Bitey Goonie and as soon as one of us is brave enough to go back and put the nametag around his neck, he’ll be Bitey Goonie until his owners notice.   While we were at the Goonies House, we heard a distinct “OR OR OR” coming from the direction of the waterfront. There were three distinct possibilities, and we decided to investigate rather than get Rachel some medical attention: 1. There were sea lions on the waterfront. 2. Someone was playing one of those ‘nature soundtrack’ relaxation cds VERY loudly. 3. There were once sea lions on the waterfront, but they were driven away by tourists mimicking their noises, which attracted more tourists who then made sea lion noises, which attracted MORE tourists and so on and so forth until they managed to attract us. On the way to the waterfront, however, we needed to make a pitstop on Lief Erickson drive so I could molest Richard Nixon.

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Eventually, we made our way down to the waterfront and were greeted with this sign: 28726_398696548939_719869_n No, no they do not. Where’s the obesity epidemic when you need it to help these poor kids float? We also saw this: 28726_398696668939_1331071_n

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  Further down the pier, there was a dock upon which quite a few were sunning themselves. I don’t know how the owner of the boat intends to get to the boat without being spectacularly mauled–perhaps that’s why the boat was for sale.   We ventured down the ramp to check them out more closely, which is of course when they turned and presented us with sea lion nutsack, the animal kingdom version of mooning. They were in general unperturbed by our proximity, occasionally casting a baleful glance in our direction when we made too many obnoxious sea lion noises, but mostly just napping and looking as if they were either begging for a tummy rub or to be saddled and ridden across the seas. However, I think most things are looking to be saddled and ridden, and I admit to that bias. 28726_398696703939_2169083_n

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Eventually someone wandered by and muttered something about a ten thousand dollar fine for being too close to the animals and we dashed back up the ramp so fast you would have assumed a sea lion on a skateboard was hot on our heels. The only signs present were “DANGER: Sea lions”, which is the sort of danger that I can suss out for myself. That’s visible danger. Clear and present danger, if you will. Furthermore, some of us are meant to be dragged to the bottom of the sea, strapped to the back of a furious animal, or gored with yellow teeth, and those sorts of danger signs prevent the sort of tragically hilarious stories we would all love to read in the newspaper, if anyone actually ever read physical copies of the paper anymore. However, a “DANGER: $10,000 fine for getting too close to sea lions” sign would allow me to weigh my decisions more carefully. Of the two, I find the latter more fearsome.

23 Comments Astoria is a game that punishes everyone who plays (part two)

  1. pretzelcoatl June 9, 2010 at 9:34 pm

    Those sea lions remind me of the giant kangaroo I saw at the zoo in Australia. He was lying against his tree, giant nutsack hanging out, looking at us like “Come on, just try to get too close to me. I will fuck you up.”

    1. admin June 9, 2010 at 9:47 pm

      I think this was more of the ‘Hey check me out’ sort of showoffery.

  2. whobyfire78 June 9, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    Sigh. I miss Oregon.

    1. admin June 9, 2010 at 10:12 pm

      I want to hear more about your trip to Australia!

  3. faerieburst June 9, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    Whoever told you there was a $10,000 for “getting too close” is a big fat liar.

    http://www.nwr.noaa.gov/Marine-Mammals/Watching-Marine-Mammals.cfm

    There is no set legal “can’t get closer than X” limit. There IS a $10k fine for harassing protected marine mammals, but you could do that from a wide variety of distances. And “harass” in this context is defined as “actions that substantially alters the behavior of those animals.” Just sayin’.

    Stupid lying liartons.

    ~Aramada

    1. admin June 9, 2010 at 10:14 pm

      I shake my fist in that hat-wearing liar’s general direction! It’s probably for the best, I crossed the five foot mark and was potentially cruising for a mauling.

      1. faerieburst June 9, 2010 at 10:16 pm

        But some people are DESTINED for such a glorious end.

        ~Aramada

        1. admin June 9, 2010 at 10:18 pm

          TRUE. My day will come, to be certain.

  4. Anonymous June 10, 2010 at 5:17 am

    Zardos isn’t even in the top 100?

    I call bull shit.

    ~Aramada

  5. wildcelticrose June 9, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    that one Stellar Sea Lion (brown one with the snub nose) looks like he wants to kick someone’s ass

    1. admin June 9, 2010 at 11:09 pm

      He just wants tummy rubs! And to take me on a ride around the sea as a thank you for the tummy rubs!

      Ok, maybe he wants to kick my ass.

      1. wildcelticrose June 9, 2010 at 11:11 pm

        or maybe he wants to drag you under water and have his way with you?

        Eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

        1. admin June 9, 2010 at 11:14 pm

          DO NOT WANT

          1. wildcelticrose June 9, 2010 at 11:28 pm

            I think he had a glint in his eye 😉

          2. admin June 9, 2010 at 11:34 pm

            I can’t outrun many things in this world but I am fairly confident that I could outrun a sea lion with a boner for me.

            Take this battle to the water, though, and it’s all over because I am the world’s worst swimmer. It’s not just kids that don’t float.

  6. lady_sotha June 9, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    “…some of us are meant to be dragged to the bottom of the sea, strapped to the back of a furious animal, or gored with yellow teeth, and those sorts of danger signs prevent the sort of tragically hilarious stories we would all love to read in the newspaper, if anyone actually ever read physical copies of the paper anymore.”

    Someday, when Aaron is dead or divorces me, I am moving to your town and we are going to Astoria. Vacations with you appear to be the most epic and tale worthy EVER.

    1. admin June 9, 2010 at 11:59 pm

      Why wait for death or divorce when you guys could take a west coast vacation?

      1. lady_sotha June 10, 2010 at 6:25 pm

        As long as you are okay with him hiding in your apartment the whole time playing XBox 360 whilst we have crazy shenanigans, then we could take a west coast vacation. Aaron does not do tourist attractions, museums, historical landmarks, or anything remotely like that unless it involves video games. Such is my lot in life… =-(

        1. admin June 15, 2010 at 6:33 am

          Hell, I can always use someone helping me to unlock achievements. 😉

  7. myrrhmade June 10, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    Wow! Gorgeous!

    1. admin June 15, 2010 at 6:33 am

      Thank you!

  8. Pingback: If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it « Serious Fun

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