Let’s start with the things I’m thankful for today:
Today, I am thankful for industrial-strength garbage bags.
Today, I am thankful for rubber gloves.
Today, I am thankful for the cast-iron stomach bestowed upon me by my father.
Because today when I got home, I saw that the dog had a shitsplosion in his cage. I didn’t actually know that it was possible for one dog to shit that much. Not only was his bedding completely and utterly destroyed, but he himself was entirely encrusted with shit. Hindquarters, belly, face, all caked with shit. You might be thinking “Poor Napoleon” at this moment, which would make you a better person than me, as I continue to think “Poor ME”. So, I had to dispose of his bed and scrub out his cage, and give him a bath, and the whole time he’s having a bath, he’s trying to lick me and wagging his tail like “Oh wow, isn’t this fun? I mean, it started out bad, but it’s cool, right? Because this is totally my favorite thing. Why aren’t you smiling?”
If this whole escapade has taught him that all he needs to do to get a bath is to shit all over the place and roll in it, I will continue to be thankful for industrial-strength garbage bags for when I dump his corpse into the green river.