Date Archives January 2009

IMPORTANT POLL

 

 

Poll #1335758 Don’t Send In The Clowns Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 24

What do you think the clown’s intentions are with the young, rosy-cheeked, gimpy-armed boy?

pretzelcoatl — Virgin sacrifice. In more ways than one.
scearley — He’s collecting on a bet the tyke made. Teach that kid to bet on the canadians in Ice Dancing…..
stationary_jew — To introduce him to the ways of Gomorrah.
maps_or_guitars — Well, from the look of those arms, not a handjob.
dslartoo — Three words: John Wayne Gacy.
whobyfire78 — anal penetration of course.
crazyfaeriegirl — D: I don’t even want to know. The thought is terrifying.
apestyle — Shuffleboard on the poopdeck.
distance_to_sky — Given the position of that kid’s hand, I can only imagine that trans-dimensional clowns are the newest forces of the NAMBLA occupation of America.
leighhyphenanne — omg raaaaape
watchout5 — Anal Penetration via Full Nelson
mrsamedi — It’s best not to know.
penguinet — He’s herding him away because he doesn’t look happy enough. Unhappy kids go to the reprogramming area.
beachin — It can’t be good. “Come with me, kid.”
faerieburst — He’s checking to make sure sis in the wheelchair is occupied before he drags bro behind a curtain. BAD CLOWN!
mewelke — a reminder that “fist” can be a verb.
uncledisgusting — he is going to take him to “up the arse” corner.

Can you trust a clown that can stand beside you and behind you at the same time?

View Answers Can you you ever trust a clown? 9 (37.5%) 

Just because a grown man wears a death mask made of paint and bends space-time is no reason to not trust him, Mellzah. I’m ashamed of you. 6 (25.0%)

:shudder: Trans-dimensional clowns 9 (37.5%)

THEN. CAME. THE CLOWNS.

View Answers NO! Not the clowns! 14 (63.6%) 

Don’t send in those clowns, they always bring me down. 8 (36.4%)

 

James Monroe’s colossal nose was bigger than Pinnochio’s!

Last week, I went thrifting with mschilepepper on an important mission. Mission? NOT ACCOMPLISHED. However, we were arguably distracted by an item of incredible awesomeness. When I saw it, I laughed so hard, I nearly fell over, but decided I couldn’t justify its purchase as buying something merely to mock it seems like a level of kitsch I’m not yet willing to embrace.

As we were waiting in line with her finds, mschilepepper turned and asked me if I was suuuure I didn’t want to buy this item, and that, ladies and gentlemen, was when my freak magnet kicked in. This time, I drew an astonishingly drunk woman into my orbit. Bear in mind, it’s 1:30 in the afternoon on a Thursday, so even SORT of drunk would be mildly astonishing. But she was not sort of drunk. She was ragingly drunk, so soused that when she spoke, I felt both sanitized and nearly contact-buzzed. She slurred and asked me to show her this amazing item because ‘you can talk ’em down’, and when I trotted back, her jaw dropped.

“Thatsh…thatsh a collectorsh item, thatsh…amashing! Thatsh an inveschtment!”

mschilepepper tried to negotiate the price of our investment with the counter lady, but she would have none of it–which is when Drunky McDrunkerson announced that she wanted to be part of this moment and flung money on the counter. After I paid the balance, Drunky McDrunkerson kept rubbing my back and giving me hugs and saying she was SO HAPPY for me and the investment I’d just made, and that she was SO GLAD to be a part of it, and then she stumbled off into the midafternoon sunshine.

But just what the fuck was it that I had bought? This great investment?

Only the most brilliant plate of all time:

It makes me laugh that these keen platemakers found a way to align George Washington, Ronald Reagan, and George H.W.Bush (because I am SURE it is not a coincidence). It makes me laugh that H.W.’s picture is sooo much larger than all of the rest. I kind of can’t wait to serve people cookies on this plate and see their reaction.

I also kind of want to decopauge Obama’s face onto the eagle’s shield. Or maybe my face, with my dictator moustache. Would that ruin my ‘inveschtment’, do you think?

Scissors beats paper, paper beats rock, rock beats…baseball bat?

I remember when I used to be awesomely skilled at videogames, or at least didn’t suck quite so much. Tonight, I started playing Fallout 3, got lost in an area consisting of about three rooms, used up all my ammo on giant roaches, gained confidence in my ability to kill and maim with a baseball bat, and then as soon as I figured out how to get out of the facility, some random dude straight-up killed me with a rock. Good old rock…nothing beats rock.

‘Tis said that wrath is the last thing in a man to grow old.

I fear my hair will never be the same. Also, I now have huge respect for people who put up tall mohawks on a regular basis, because it took a stupid amount of glue and hairspray just to get my hair up like this. I most embodied my sin while attempting to get ready; my hands were coated in glue and hair that had been yanked out by said glue, my hair kept flopping over instead of standing up straight and cool the way it was going to do in my imagination, and I was growing rapidly more frustrated.

I know that lust won my poll by a landslide, but I invited Amy to come with me to the party, and when I told her the theme, she immediately said she would just dress skanky and go as lust, and frankly, I didn’t want to compete with that. The least popular sin was gluttony, with all of one representative, who just hung out by the snack table all night.

It was one hell of a party–by the end of the night, it basically devolved into an orgy. Lust (not Amy) unbuttoned Envy’s entire button-down dress, using her mouth, Pride got jealous and started making out with Envy, Wrath (not me) ended up having her clothes torn off of her by various partygoers, and it was really a smashing way to ring in the new year. I used my extra leap-second to fire nerf weaponry, we all drank fine champagna, and now I’m off to dunk my head in a gallon of conditioner.