Date Archives August 2008

Today…is a good day to dive.

As planned, I played hooky from work today with the intentions of going to Wild Waves. Bright and early this morning (*cough*8:30am*cough*), amazoni woke me up with a text message saying that the weather in her area was super crappy, and she wanted to know if we were still on. I looked out my window, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, so I sent a wave of messages out to everyone who was interested in going today that Operation: Waterpark was go.

An hour later, I took Napoleon out, and was totally aghast to see that the entire sky was cloudy and grey, almost as if Thor was mocking me and my attempt to recreate summer vacation at my age. I sent out more text messages asking if people were willing to take the gamble–amazoni bowed out, but poetrix618 and jimhark rose to the challenge.

We arrived at the park around noon, and the place was absolutely deserted; it was actually quite perfect. No scorching sun, no searing-hot blacktop, and no lines–just us and a handful of other people, braving the elements. It rained on and off while we were hitting the waterslides, which didn’t bother us at all as we were already soaking wet; what were a few drops more or less?

I learned an important lesson: Even though I thought my new swimsuit fit quite well in the seat, it doesn’t matter how well you THINK it fits when you go screaming down a waterslide at high speeds–it’s still going to cram itself straight up your ass and maybe even give the lifeguards sitting at the ends of the rides a free show. I couldn’t tell if anyone was gawking or not as I am completely blind without my glasses. One thing is for sure: there’s no way in hell I have any sand in my vagina anymore.

After we tired of water rides, we decided to check out the dry section of the park, and wisely started with the metal rollercoaster–the park was so dead, the ride operators actually sent us through twice in a row which made me squeal with delight. Jim and Anne? Not so much.

It was around that time that I felt the overwhelming need to utilize my sole superpower. What is my superpower, you ask? I have the ability to make others vomit from thrill rides. Once, I spun the teacups at Six Flags so fast, my friend Rosemarie was vomiting for three hours afterwards. This superpower was inherited from my father, who once spun the teacups at Disneyworld so fast that HE blacked out. He and I are fearless when it comes to rides–make it faster, steeper, more dangerous, and let’s eat a cheesesteak immediately beforehand. We happened onto the ‘Disco Flashback’ about that time, a ride that spins while rolling back and forth on a half-circle. I demanded to ride it. Jim and Anne declined. I persisted, calling Jim all manner of names until he finally caved into my peer pressure, which I KNEW he would. He probably would’ve been fine, but we ended up getting a ride and a half as the ride operator stopped us about halfway through to kick someone off because they had spit off of the ride, and then started us back up for a full round. During this second ride, I looked over at Jim, who was doing the ‘eyes squeezed shut, pinched-face, breathing out in that controlled way that lets everyone know you’re trying not to vomit’ thing and I realized I’d used my powers for Evil. But what is the point of having superpowers if you don’t bust them out on occasion?

Jim and Anne both needed to sit for a bit after that ride to wait for the queasiness to pass; after they felt good to go, we hit the bumper cars and their wooden roller-coaster, whereupon I was hit on by a baby-faced teen who immediately stuck out his hand and said “Hi, I’m Derrick, I’m sixteen.”

“…Hi. I’m Melissa. I’m twenty-six.”

“Oh wow, cool. So…like…are you here with anybody?” (and on, and on)

HAHAHAHAHA. Never did I think I’d see the day when someone would hit on me while I’m wearing a swimsuit, fishbelly-white thighs and all!

So that was our summer-vacation day at Wild Waves. I may have a little chlamydia in my eye, a minor case of foot AIDS, and hair that looks like Helena Bonham Carter’s on a bad day, but it was fan-freaking-tastic.

But remember Quasimodo: this is your sanctuary.

I hit a bar in Federal Way with a neighbor last night–now, in general, I don’t consider myself to be an unattractive person, but HOT DAMN, the Quasimodoesque people skulking around that place made us look like supermodels by comparison. After we ordered our drinks, they swarmed around us like moths trying to embrace twin suns. I spent most of my time fending off an aggressive, one-eyed man. You’d best believe that when she and I finished our one drink, we got the HELL out of there. No time to tarry!

You’d think that feeling attractive might make a lady feel good about herself, and in that assumption, you would be wrong. Occasionally, it makes a lady want to scrub her skin with a Brillo pad.

Why so serious?

I really don’t think that Heath Ledger’s death should derail the bullet-train of awesomeness that Batman movies have become. But…who can pull off that deranged, mouth-too-big-for-the-face grin? Poll #1239425 The next Batman movie Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 19

Who should replace Heath Ledger as the Joker?

6 (31.6%)

298_24057973939_1127_n 13 (68.4%)


Well, depending on the time, he may be in one spot or several.

I *finally* got to see The Dark Knight yesterday–Amy and I wanted to go together, but the first couple of IMAX weekends sold out immediately and we couldn’t go during the week as she’s been working swing shift lately. The anticipation has been driving me a little…batty, you might say. That is, if you were into bad puns, which I am totally not.

What I AM totally into is Batman, if you’re just joining us. Comic books, movies, soundtracks, games–you name it, and I’ve probably swung into a room shouting ‘I’M BATMAN’ while doing it. Hell, one of my college assignments was to write a ‘virtual pet’ program, and I made myself a virtual pet Batman. I am at a level of geekery that makes most normal people physically ill.

Unlike most people, I really loved Batman Forever–yes, it was campy, but I think both Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carrey are the bee’s knees, and Val Kilmer made one damn hot Batman. The Batman Forever soundtrack was also the very first CD I bought, and feel free to mock me, but it introduced me to some artists who remain favorites to this day, like Nick Cave and The Flaming Lips.

It was unfortunate that Batman & Robin was such a turd–I never expected great shakes out of George Clooney as Batman, but Batman & Robin introduced me to a whole level of suck I didn’t even know *existed*. I still listened to the soundtrack often, though, and was a little disappointed that the second Pumpkins song didn’t get the love I felt it deserved.

The Dark Knight was worth every second of anticipation, although I was more than a little disappointed that I ended up sitting next to The Most Annoying Man On Earth. Even though I am apparently shaped like a Mr Potato Head, I manage to fit within the confines of my seat easily. TMAMOE, on the other hand, although quite slender, couldn’t seem to grasp the concept that my sides were NOT where his elbows belonged. Every single time he shifted in his seat, I got jabbed. And he was a shifter. A SMELLY shifter. Wait, strike that. A smelly, TALKATIVE shifter. Wait, one more time. A smelly, talkative shifter, with the smallest bladder known to man. There we go. TMAMOE thought it was very important to have full-on conversations during the movie with the person on his right, jabbering and jabbering and jabbering, all the while invading my personal space, aka the seat I paid a ridiculous amount of service charges to park my ass in. When he was not talking, he was moving up and down the aisle, in and out of the theater. No less than six times did he cruise up and down the aisle during a two and a half hour movie. This is why I am not allowed to pick theater seats or a place in a bar or a place to stand during a concert–it’s almost I’m drawn to the places where I’ll be most annoyed. Seriously, who goes to a movie to talk through the whole goddamn thing? Wait until it comes out on DVD, you asshole!

Aside from wanting to slap TMAMOE until I was too exhausted to slap any further, I thorougly enjoyed every minute of The Dark Knight. I loved watching it on a ridiculously huge screen. I loved recognizing Gotham as being Chicago. I loved seeing the bridges and being reminded of my Batman Begins story*. I loved that the people involved are clearly Batman fans and have pulled from the comics for the movie, particularly ‘The Long Halloween’. I loved geeking out in the theater with a bunch of people who are just as clearly nutty about Batman as I am. I love that this Batman resurgence has kept him as a loner vigilante instead of sanctioned watchdog; Batman is best when he’s outside the law.

AWESOME. I may have to see it again before it leaves the theater. And again at the drive-in. And then six more times when it hits the cheapy theater in Federal Way.

*I went to Chicago with starladear13 in 2004, and ended up having to catch the train home to Kenosha. I checked the train schedule and realized that my train was leaving an hour earlier than I’d thought (uh-oh!) and left immediately to walk to the train station, figuring I’d make it there with 10 minutes to spare. To get to the train station, I needed to cross the river. As I approached the bridge, a man wearing the bright yellow and orange jacket of a traffic director told me that the bridge was closed. Cursing, I turned around and walked around the block to cross at a different bridge. At this bridge they had more than 100 people stopped from crossing. “Don’t worry folks, we’ll be re-opening the bridge in 15 or 20 minutes, we have it closed for your safety.” “For our safety” meant they were shooting something for Batman with a helicopter that was flying low over the bridges and didn’t want any people in the shot. Well that would have been fine if my train weren’t leaving in ten minutes and the next one was FOUR HOURS LATER. The crowd started getting unruly. One man said “What are you going to do if we go across? Shoot all of us?” and another one said “They can’t stop all of us. Let’s go!” So as a big unruly mob with a helicopter buzzing over our heads we ran over the bridge. One of the guards was calling frantically on her walkie-talkie for the police, which only made me run faster. Sirens started up behind us, but I was almost across…just a few more steps…Several people were being stopped by police, but I managed to duck into the train station and hopped on my train just before it pulled out. So now, like most of my co-workers at the time, I now had a ‘running from the police’ story. Only mine didn’t involve drugs.