Date Archives October 2007

Mr. Sixx goes to Washington

On Saturday, my alarm went off at four am, as I planned on being at the U-Village Barnes & Noble no later than six. However, in order for that plan to work, I really needed to get into bed a little earlier than one am, so I ended up re-setting and re-setting and re-setting my alarm clock until I was coherent enough to realize I was screwing up my (likely) one opportunity to meet Nikki with my laziness. By the time I arrived at the Barnes & Noble, it was already 8am; a small part of me was glad that I hadn’t arrived at 6, because it was foggy and FREEZING outside.

There was an interesting sort of generation gap going on in line. Well ahead of me was a young man decked out in a sleeveless vest, police cap, and eyeliner, and behind me was a group of forty year olds grumbling and making sarcastic remarks along the lines of “Well, I bet his parents are proud, dressing like a fag.” And yet they were standing in line waiting to meet someone who started out his career wearing more makeup than the New York Dolls. The girls standing immediately in front of me were bitchy sorostitutes and would not speak to me when I tried to engage them in direct conversation. Apparently, I look like some sort of troll, and it’s a disease you can contract just from treating someone like a human being.

Thusly snubbed, I called bellachiara6 to help me take my mind off of the cold–she asked how far back I was in line, and I guesstimated there were about 100 people in front of me. We chatted for a while, until the line started to move and she had to get back to working on her costume, and we parted with her indicating that I should inform Mr. Sixx that my friend Nicki in Wisconsin thinks he is a ‘dreamboat’ and I should photograph his facial reaction. It’s something that I’m certain would have a better effect if I handed him an 8×10 photograph of her, in a crocheted frame and then said the same thing, but alas, I’d left her christmas present to me at home.

When I waited in line with Chris Keto to meet The Smashing Pumpkins on the Arising! tour of 99, the organizers distributed wristbands, but we still had to wait in line all day. The people around us were nice enough, but it was still a looooong day. Apparently between then and now, they’ve figured out a better system; the first hundred people in line get ‘group a’ wristbands, the second hundred get ‘group b’ wristbands, and so on and so forth–everyone can then scatter and do what they want for the next few hours. You might not end up in the exact same place in line, but when they’re distributing 500 wristbands, it doesn’t really matter if you were number 203 in line and ended up at 299–you’re still getting inside. As it turned out, I was very close in my guesstimate to Nicki–I received the very last group A wristband, so I was exactly number 100 in line.

Signs everywhere informed that Nikki would only be signing ‘The Heroin Diaries’ books and cds, and no other memorabilia, so after I purchased a copy of The Heroin Diaries book, I brought the friend of a friend of a friend’s first edition copy of The Dirt back to my car (which will be mailed out this week, I am a horrible human being and no one should ever allow me to borrow anything of theirs, ever).

It seemed wasteful/stupid to me to drive home to have to turn around and drive back in less than two hours, so I grabbed some coffee to warm up and hung out in my car, reading. I very nearly finished it in the time I had, though I’m still not sure what to think of it, days later. It’s difficult to read about someone killing himself over the course of a year, to be certain. The way the book was formatted, though, is that people who were mentioned in the entries often had written commentary immediately afterward, which makes the book feel like it’s constantly going off track, and in the case of ‘Vanity’, now the Reverend Denise Matthews, it really derailed into insanity; in 1987, this woman was constantly fucked up on heroin–in 2007, now she’s totally fucked up with Jesus, and her preaching is irritating, to put it mildly. I feel that it would be a more gripping read if the diary entries were all together, and the commentary was instead included as footnotes. Regardless, when I sat up to take a breather and looked at my watch, it was nearly one o’clock and time to get back in line.

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At exactly one, they allowed people with Group A wristbands into an upstairs section of the store. Somehow, I ended up twenty people back from the front instead of at the very end, which was great, because the people around me were much, much nicer. One of them, named Darcy, was in a band and was nicknamed Little Sixx by her friends, as she is a tiny, female, spitting image of Nikki–she had the skulls from the cover of Dr. Feelgood tattooed on her collarbone. The woman behind me in line, India, had driven five hours to be there, and had brought her two young children, who were (surprisingly) equally excited to be there. She planned on getting Nikki’s autograph tattooed on her arm. I didn’t plan on getting any event-related tattoos, but I related that when I was 15, working at Music Center, they had a life-size poster of Nikki Sixx on the bass wall, and I never thought that I’d get an opportunity to meet him.

As the time neared two, you could feel the energy level of the room rising. When they announced on the overhead speakers that Nikki was in the building, I could see Darcy and India’s bodies begin to thrum like live wires, hands shaking with excitement. When he walked into the room, the cheers were deafening.

I hadn’t been nervous the whole day, but the quakes around me were nothing if not contagious. Still, I managed to get it under control before I met the man, as I hate hate HATE coming off as gushing fan, or anything other than cool as a cucumber. I did not exactly come off cool as a cucumber when I met Rob Zombie a few years ago, but in my defense, it was over 100 degrees at Alpine Valley, and the vendors had run out of water hours before. When I met Rob Zombie, it was much more of an exhausted, sweaty “Hi” and “thank you” and that was it. Clearly, my control of the english language was on full display that day.

This time, I was tired, but far more functional. Nikki seemed an inexhaustible well of smiles (though, admittedly, I wasn’t very far back in line, and I wasn’t planning on sticking around until number 500 made it to the front).

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They’d had everyone write who they wanted the book made out to on a post-it beforehand, to make it easier on everyone, because it was obvious that some fans were so star-struck, they’d forget how to spell their own names when asked. Nikki smiled at me as I approached with my book, looked at the name I had written and did a double-take. “Mell…how do you pronounce that? Mellzah? That is a fucking awesome name.”

…I nearly lost my ability to speak at that moment. Nikki Sixx thought my (nick)name(but mine alone nonetheless) was fucking awesome.

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I never realized how tall he was until I met him; when he shook my hand, his completely enveloped mine. I told him the only thing that I felt it was important that I express, which was that I was glad he had decided to live. Everything else–I love your music, you’re an inspiration–everything is a subsidiary of that. His smile grew even larger, he winked at me, and said he was glad, too.

Afterward, I exchanged contact info with Darcy and India to share pictures, and drove home, far too amped up to want to nap before the parties I was supposed to attend later that evening.

An Open Letter from Billy Corgan Part II

Hello my zeroes!

Forget everything I said before. Tuesday, October 30th will be the greatest day you’ve ever known. That day, when the sun rises across Geek USA, it will perform the most important function possible; it will serve as an illuminating beacon to guide you, my loyal friends, to the bright blue box known as Best Buy. You need to know the way there. In fact, you should start planning now. Because October 30th is when we re-release Zeitgeist (Zeitgeist! It’s still fun to say!) just shy of four months after we released it five times the first time, with three new songs and a brand new color. Our zeitgeist is relentless, and should now nearly match anything you have in your wardrobe. Zeitgeisty!

I remember when we used to release these bonus tracks on cd singles, and shake my head in despair. How can you possibly feel the FULL POWER OF THE ZEITGEIST when its most important songs are shuffled off to the side? It needs to be experienced in its entirety–the red version being different from the teal version, which is different from the pink version, which is different from the yellow version, which is different from this new silver version. These new songs are like chips; you can’t eat or listen to just one. You must devour the bag, licking out the crumbs, and only in the salty afterglow will each album’s true meaning be revealed. Though some of you are upset about a re-release this early, you really shouldn’t be. The true fans know that it will soon be SIX DIFFERENT ALBUMS released by the same name, one for each year since I broke your teenaged hearts until I announced the reformation of the band and made you whole again. You haven’t paid eighty dollars for nineteen songs–you have paid eighty dollars for SIX ALBUMS. The record executives wanted to charge you more, but I told them no. I love you.

Smashing Pumpkins was dead; I made it live again, now, just in time for Halloween–a beautiful zombie, my sweet sweet. Some limbs have fallen off, yes, but with tender loving care, I have sewed on new limbs and made it better…stronger. I love it, and will whisper tender sweet nothings in its ear. You may call it a monster, but you don’t understand. Understanding may come to you with the new album, conveniently called ZEITGEIST. An empty wallet is next to godliness. Buying this new album may be the closest you’ll ever come to touching the god-like perfection that is myself.

Come to Billy. I will save you from yourself. I am one. Next time, I promise we’ll be perfect.

Love to love to love what you adore,

Billy Corgan

Good morning, starshine–the earth says HELLO!

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Against Vegas odds, I actually finished my costume on time to attend the Kirkland Mafia costume party on Saturday night. I’m very happy with the way it turned out, and really feel that there are only a few details that could’ve been executed better, if I had the time or gumption to fix them (I don’t.)

For instance–I wish the gloves fit more snugly. I have damn-near child-size hands, so the overall impression of my hands in these gloves is that each one of my fingers comes with its own reservoir tip, perfect in case my hands start to ejaculate or I happen to meet a man with five tiny penises.

Also, my glasses are a bit of an issue; I’d wanted to order some contact lenses, but that would’ve required two separate eye exams, one of which is uncovered by insurance, which is a ridiculous amount of effort and expense for something I’d wear so rarely. I’d ordered a really cheap pair of glasses in my prescription and planned on affixing those lenses behind the Wonka glasses’ lenses, but as of this posting, they still have not arrived, though they were ordered a month ago. Screw you, zenni optical!

I ended up wearing my glasses underneath the sunglasses–this works fine until someone takes a picture of me with a flash, whereupon you can see the outline of my glasses through the Wonka lenses. WHICH LOOKS CRUMMY.

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I’ve got a golden tiiii-cket! I’ve got a golden tiiii-cket! Many thanks to shadowstitch, who gave me a golden ticket template. I waited til the day of the party, and my printer decided that even though the black ink cartridge is full, it would only print faint outlines, so everything is colored in with a tiny sharpie. Everything that looks right about it is his doing, everything that’s vaguely screwy is my inability to color within the lines coming through.

I never realized how dim my room is until I tried to take pictures of myself in black pants, with a black vest, and black buttons, and only a silver watchfob breaking the whole mess up–it turns out that everything melds into a supermassive black hole in my midsection. Trust me–the vest turned out AMAZING. Better than I’d even dared hope!

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One of the details I felt helped make the costume is the ‘W’ pin, made with gentle loving care by one of my friends so I wouldn’t cut a finger off with a jewelry saw or scalp myself on a buffing wheel.

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I love how the hatband turned out. This motherhumping thing took me forever and a day to sew (read: over forty hours on it, alone) because the 3-D details are comprised of individual, tiny stitches. It takes a special sort of lunacy to attempt something like this.

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I also love how the cane turned out. This thing represents no less than 5 trips to home depot, several hours worth of driving around to various stores, looking for theatre-size boxes of Nerds, a lot of cursing and a nearly hacksawed leg. The top bit is a curtain rod finial that I taped/spraypainted/sanded. The clear bit is a plastic florescent light covering, the bottom bit is a wee table leg. Running the length of the cane is a wooden doweling that takes up a good deal of the space inside the plastic tube, so it’s not filled with as many Nerds as one might expect, but it’s still nearly 3 theatre size boxes. It weighs a motherfucking TON. I could easily kill a man with it; the only problem being is that the plastic tube would surely split, filling the murder scene with candy like the victim was a man-pinata.

I’m hoping that I’ll be crowned the victor of the safetymonkey costume contest, two years running!

Monster Movies Part III

October 16th Tremors color, 1990. I used to love this movie, and one line in particular struck me and made me giggle every time–“Judas PRIEST that stinks!” I waited eagerly to hear it again…and realized that the line I’d loved so much had been in the edited-for-tv version, and in the non-edited version, it was the more plain “JESUS CHRIST that stinks!” More blasphemous? Maybe, depending on who you’re talking to. But definitely more boring.

October 17th Piranha II: The Spawning color, 1981. Holy hell, this was awful. And awesome. And awful. But awesome. Bonus points for starting the movie with a graphic underwater sex scene. Bonus points for really cheesy flying murderous fish. Minus points for ripping off one of the greatest movies of all time. (edit: Jaws.)

October 18th Reno 911 Halloween Episode color, 2003. No, not a movie, really. But to be frank and honest, I didn’t have a lot of time between work and going to see Rob Zombie, and when I got home, it was too late and I was too ston tired to watch something full-length. But Rob Zombie showed a lot of clips from ‘House of 1000 Corpses’ and ‘The Devil’s Rejects’ during his set–does that count?

October 19th The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D variax joined me for the movie, and I didn’t think it was possible, but I loved it even more in 3D. Stylistically, it’s a movie that transitions very well to 3D, to the point where I felt like I was hanging out in Halloween Town. It was worth the drive to cow-town through pouring rain and flooded-out roads.

October 20th Slumber Party Massacre color, 1982. I’m pretty sure that the only reason they include the basketball scene near the beginning is so that they could have a shower scene immediately afterward; which is even more peculiar since it parades itself around as a movie written by, directed by, and starring women, based on a book by a well-known feminist writer. For all that, I saw a hell of a lot of T&A in this movie. The serial killer wears a White Trash Suit–jeans with a jean jacket, something I’ve also heard referred to as the Canadian Tuxedo. So every time the murderer appeared onscreen, it was accompanied by exclamations of “Look out, it’s the Canadian!”

…He kills everyone with a portable drill, and doesn’t talk until the end, at which point I wished he’d never opened his mouth.

The best scene in the movie, by far, is when one of the girls finds a buzz saw with which to go after the serial killer, picks it up, and runs with it…not realizing that it was plugged into the wall, and she’s knocked off of her feet when she runs out of cord.

Also, I miss movies that tell you exactly what is going to happen in the title.

October 21st Ringu color, 1998. I figured I’d rather see the original than the remake, even if it means that reading subtitles might take away from the overall scariness. Now, I have been watching a lot of cheesy scary movies this month, but this is still by far one of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen. Still nothing to keep me from sleeping properly, but I hope to find more movies that follow this creepier, less visceral vein–gore doesn’t scare me. Even when he’s talking about the environment.

Up tonight: Alice, Sweet Alice.

PROJECT: Flood the Office…What did the undertaker send me?

 

 

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The answer is–nothing as corpsey as the mouse from pete23. That’s a very dashing pirate figurine, nny! Thank you! <3

Does it look to anyone else like he’s giving his gun a little cuddle?

Tomorrow, the five finalists in the domino magazine decorating contest go live for people to start voting for the winner. Based on the sample pictures they’ve already put up to show off people’s entries, it appears that the pirate bathroom has not made the cut, or that they even took it as a serious entry, even though I wrote what will likely go down as the best 100 words of my life for my submission. Apparently, to Domino magazine, pirates aren’t stylish. In that case, they can kiss my swashbuckling, sea-spray-and-rum-scented ass.

PROJECT: Flood the Office…The Mystery of Pierre Pettigrew

The Harry Potter nerd in me giggled at this return address:

And since I like spoiling surprises for myself, I checked out the customs declaration:

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  And yet somehow I wasn’t able to put two and two together to piece out what would actually be inside the box. Do your best Sherlock Holmes impression–what do YOU think was inside?  

00138tca 00139y1y Even though I KNOW it’s dead, part of me wanted to shriek when I saw what was inside. And then I was torn between just taking a picture of it in the box, or actually touching it to clean off the styrofoam bits and pieces in order to get a good picture. For the record, touching a dead stuffed mouse is actually pretty (for lack of a better word) icky. I’m actually a little surprised that I’m as squicked by this as I am–I suppose eventually I will come to terms with it. For now, I really can’t deal with it staring at me with its beady, dead eyes. The IMPORTANT thing, however, is that the apartment manager is growing increasingly suspicious!

PROJECT: Flood the Office…I see you’ve played knifey-hookey before!

“So…godqueen of packageland, hmm? This wouldn’t have anything to do with the comment I made a few weeks ago, would it?”

“…I don’t know what you’re talking about.” (exit, stage left)

I have to admit, I was pretty excited about this one, coming from corsair street and all, especially since last week pandemoniachick said “I found the most ridiculously awesome-looking sword in the entire world. It was part pirate cutlass, part no one knows what. The hilt had a goddamn hook on the end. A HOOK. LIKE A PIRATE HOOK. It was completely retarded.”

…AND COMPLETELY FUCKING AWESOME. 0012txbc

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s640x480 No one, but NO ONE, is going to fuck with you when they see your sword sheath and hilt are covered in skulls. Skulls mean you are a badass. A badass with a HOOK.

I think it’s important that everyone know that the hook is removable, so one could theoretically hook and jab at the same time. The blade itself isn’t all that sharp, but the hook is actually quite wicked, and I forsee myself getting hurt in some sort of hilarious fashion involving said hook. Perhaps I’ll put an eye out–after all, it’s all fun and games once someone loses an eye.

As soon as I figure out how to get this heavy bugger to stay on the wall, it will have a place of honor in the pirate bathroom. Thank you so much, pandemoniachick!

PROJECT: Flood the Office…I Put On My Robe And Wizard Hat

elisel‘s package arrived today; this is the same girl who was kind enough last year to mail me a copy of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cassette tape, so that I might rock out to April’s Ballad and drive my neighbors out in the process. That package had a teenage mutant ninja turtle sticker on it–this girl apparently has a wealth of awesome 1980s stickers at her disposal. I’ve got some domokun stickers somewhere, but that’s about it. I need to start gluing HeroClix to things I send out in the mail. 00130gap

001317sg Oh yes! My very own wizard hat! What were the odds that this would arrive on the same day as a box from Peter Pettigrew? Fortuitous, I tell you!

I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. I…turn into a real beautiful woman? Don’t fuck with me bitch, I’m the mightiest sorcerer of the lands. Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal. King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik’s evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

In other words, thank you, elisel!

…I think the apartment manager knows something is up.

Fright makes Right

I spent most of Saturday getting my apartment ready for visitors, and, of course, Saturday was a gorgeous day–possibly the first sunny, nice day this entire month. So I spent most of Saturday cleaning and cursing myself for picking the wrong day for the party, because the forecasts for Sunday all of a sudden were rather unpleasant. I envisioned people walking in a pumpkin patch with mud up to their ankles and then walking into my freshly cleaned home and practically wailed in despair.

Luckily for me, Sunday was gorgeous, too.

Carrie, Anne, jimhark, and amazoni met me at the pumpkin patch–conceptcanibal, Dick, and Kayleigh were coming over later with pumpkins they’d already bought.

 

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Here, Jim shows off the shirt that has been his favorite for years and years he’s more than happy to ruin with pumpkin guts. Oh Windows ME, most hated of operating systems!

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Eventually, Carrie was talked into the wheelbarrow, which encouraged the rest of us to give it a shot. Unfortunately, when Jim gave Carrie a ride, it was all fun and games. When I hopped up into the wheelbarrow, it turned into a dangerous thrill ride from hell. Jim seemed fairly interested in murdering me in a pumpkin patch, in very short order.

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And then he tried to kill me, with Anne. I had my camera zoomed in to take a picture, and he started running directly at me…but with the zoom, it looked like he was much closer than he actually was, so I shrieked and jumped into the pumpkins–only to discover that they were still a good distance away. Smarts, I am filled with them.

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OH, REVENGE IS SWEET.

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From these sweetly smiling faces, you’d never think that we were the sort of people who would try to murder one another via wheelbarrow, and mostly, that’s true–we generally try to use whatever is handy, and wheelbarrows aren’t around all that often.

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This pumpkin…reminds me of someone. Ah, yes, now I remember! It reminds me of Chyna. Namely, Chyna’s clenis. Please, for the love of Cthulhu, do not google that at work. Or at all. It’s pretty gross. Anyway, EVERYONE in the pumpkin patch got to hear the fact that I thought this pumpkin had a clitoris, as I screamed it across the way to Jim, who I knew would come and check it out. I wasn’t wrong. He thought I should buy it, but I felt that it belongs to the ages.

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And here’s what we all came up with:

Anne made a Frankenpumpkin!

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amazoni made a night sky pumpkin!

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jimhark made an emoticon pumpkin. Nerd. 😉

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conceptcanibal made a grim reaper, Dickzilla made an angry face, and Kayleigh did a night scene with spooky figures, bats, and the moon. The reason everyone looks so hot and tired is that my apartment heated up to practically 1000 degrees from everyone’s exertions and combined body heat. Having the dog running around like a whirling dervish among pumpkin guts and knives didn’t help things, either.

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Here’s my pumpkin! I’m quite fond of the drag-queen eyebrows.

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You kids who didn’t show up, you missed out on some good times; you’ll just have to look forward to Carve O Thon 2008!

Monster Movies Part II

October 8th Ju-On Color, 2000 Not as grisly as I had heard/anticipated, but genuinely creepy, and I’m glad I didn’t watch it just before bed.

October 9th Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust Color, 2001. Mmmmmm, Vampire Hunter D.

October 10th Eegah! Color, 1962. Arch Hall Jr’s performance in this film made me sad to be alive. “Wow-zee-wow-wow Roxy!” And then he starts SINGING and it somehow gets EVEN WORSE. Also, watch out for snakes.

October 11th Elvira’s Haunted Hills Color, 2002. I first saw this at a pre-screening at comic-con with the lady herself, and yet somehow I managed to avoid telling her that once upon a time, I dressed up as the nerdiest, fattest version of her, EVER in the hopes of getting a boy to like me. Now I sort of wish I had, if only because watching people contort their faces to try and remain polite is secretly hilarious to me.

October 12th Cat’s Eye Color, 1985. This was intended as a vehicle for young Drew Barrymore, at some point in her career after ET, but before rehab. In this movie, she plays so many people’s daughter that you either come to the conclusion that (a)all little girls look alike or (b)that girl’s parents must be REALLY awful for her to be shuffled around like that. Two of the three segments are really successful, but the last one sucks pretty hard. Best to shut the movie off 2/3rds of the way through. You won’t have missed anything, promise.

October 13th The Wild Wild World of Batwoman B/W, 1966. This movie was so bad, it hurt me physically. So…a bunch of girls pledge themselves to Batwoman. The pledge involves drinking blood, or rather, strawberry yoghurt, and then giggling about being vampires. And then dancing. A lot of dancing. Something happened after this point, but I’m not certain exactly what, as my brain tried to escape.

October 14th Army of Darkness Color, 1992. Not only do REAL MEN love this movie, so do I. “Ok, you primitive screwheads, listen up! You see this? This…is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?”

October 15th Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter Color, 1966. Based on the title alone, I figured this movie would have to be awesome. Never judge a movie by its title. I’m a little surprised that Mystery Science Theater 3000 has never done this one–then again, it would just be too easy.

Up tonight: I haven’t decided yet–a trip to the video store is in order. I’m hoping they have Piranha Part II: The Spawning; I hear that these fish defy the laws of nature and FLY.