STOP THE INTERNET PRESSES

I made an important discovery today: Yelp is missing a button in their peer-reviewed review process. I hope they rectify this error immediately.

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I rest my case.

56 Comments STOP THE INTERNET PRESSES

  1. scearley

    Kat and I discovered this missing button when we went to what’s probably the greatest Persian food restaurant in the USA, Persian House in Portland.

    Photobucket

    Needless to say that as 4 people found this to be a useful comment – we need a Douche button for everyone in Portland.

    Ahem: NO WINE IN PERSIAN CUISINE. They have this thing called “Islam” over there.

    Reply
    1. admin

      Review summary: “Oh noes I can’t eat a meal without booze! In fact, I’m so preoccupied with booze I can’t even remember what I ate! At the restaurant! That I am reviewing!”

      There also needs to be a ‘bitchslap’ button or perhaps a ‘shake violently’ button that interacts with the person who wrote the review.

      I don’t know that I actually hate yelp, I just hate the people who tend to yelp the most.

      I hate it when people write reviews akin to “Food was wonderful, service was great, decor was fantastic, minus one star for noisy child, minus one star for creepy guy in sweatpants at the bar.” You’re dinging the restaurant for something they have no control over? Two stars? God I hate yelpers.

      Reply
      1. scearley

        The mobile version is even worse. There is no method of ordering search results. It’s certainly not geographically, which is the most useful on a mobile phone. At least tell me what the result criteria is for order, you nitwits.

        I would use Google Maps for this thing but each time I’ve used it the information has been absolutely WRONG.

        Reply
      2. morlith

        Review summary: “Oh noes I can’t eat a meal without booze! In fact, I’m so preoccupied with booze I can’t even remember what I ate! At the restaurant! That I am reviewing!”

        This can be shortened to: “I DIDN’T GET WHAT I WANTED! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

        Thanks for the reminder that I’m missing absolutely nothing by not checking out Yelp. ;)

        Reply
    1. admin

      It’s not hard at all to find douchey reviews on Yelp. Ironically (? in the Alanis sense, I guess?), the people who tend to write the most douchey, irrelevant reviews are the people who post the most frequently and are thus considered ‘elite’.

      I HATE THEM SO MUCH.

      Reply
      1. pretzelcoatl

        Lol, it didn’t take me long.

        “I want to like Mother Fool’s, but apparently, I’m not cool enough to hang out there. I always feel way less than hip here and therefore, don’t frequent the place often. I appreciate that they have fair trade/organic coffee, BUT, I’m not sure why they use Alterra when Just Coffee is literally down the street.”

        Reply
          1. admin

            I think that is an excellent idea, sir, but judging the winner might well be an impossible task as these douchebags learn tips and tricks of douchery from OTHER douchebags and thus attain very similar pinnacles of douchebagginess. Sort of like how criminals learn how to be better criminals while in prison, from other criminals.

          2. pretzelcoatl

            LOL

            “Ebay and Amazon are cheaper for titles that are hard to find and used…. with shipping included. The person who prices records must think nearly everyone is mentally retarded.
            Also, why have an ordering service when you can do it yourself and get your stuff a week earlier, and a few dollars cheaper.
            It’s too bad something from the earth (i.e. water, fire, et cetera) can’t just destroy this place. Even a parking lot would be easier on the eyes.”

          3. admin

            RISE UP, SOMETHING FROM THE EARTH, AND TAKE OUT THIS RECORD SHOP WHICH IS, LO, AN AFFRONT TO MY RECORD PLAYING SELF AND MY KNEE-LENGTH SCARF.

          4. pretzelcoatl

            And as a counterpoint, I liked this review:

            “Honestly, the last time I went in this store was in 2003. There’s a few reasons for this. One is that although the owner has always been friendly, he comes off as slightly oily and creepy.

            There used to be this bearded asshole who worked there that may still work there that told me that the reason no women worked there was because women don’t know anything about music.

            But, mostly I don’t go into Strictly Discs is because they never have a damn thing I am looking for.”

          5. doctoreon

            I had a puka shell necklace I got in Hawaii. That was like twenty years ago, though, and my high school actually had a surf team. So, yeah.

          6. admin

            Did you wear it a shirt with a popped collar? Was your hair gelled up? Was your hand in your pocket, fingering roofies? Just one trait is not enough to identify potential Axe.

          7. doctoreon

            I don’t think I’ve ever worn a shirt with a popped collar, but I do use gel. I never use body spray, though, because strong smells give me migraines. Ironically, Axe Phoenix Deodorant hardly smells like anything, so that’s what I use.

          8. admin

            Uuuuugh I feel for you, strong smells used to give me awful migraines. Just one whiff of someone’s strong perfume was enough to send me to bed for the rest of the day. Luckily, I’ve gotten much less sensitive to scent over time.

          9. admin

            I used to smoke casually (~a pack a week), I took up the habit when I worked at Guitar Center as smoking was the only way we’d get breaks. Since quitting, though, now smoke gives me headaches. :\ I am not, however, one of those militant ex-smokers you see around occasionally though. “I used to enjoy it, but now I quit! And no one should enjoy it! It makes me sick! You’re an awful person, you smoker!” My mom used to smoke heavily but when she quit, she became one of the most obnoxious ex-smokers on earth, evne going so far as doing the fake cough when she caught so much as a hint of smoke on the breeze.

  2. scearley

    The reviews of Federal Way bars on yelp are a useless/hilarious, depending on what you need at the time.

    Suddenly I’m compelled to look up casino reviews.

    Reply
    1. admin

      There are a string of reviews around Renton by one incredibly obnoxious douche who kept writing “It’s in the hellhole known as Renton, why would you ever come here?” “This place I would give a decent rating except it’s in Renton which sucks”. Hey guy: Your reviews are useless, NOT as clever as you clearly think you are, and also, I want to curbstomp your hands so you can no longer type.

      Reply
        1. scearley

          OMG the filtered reviews of the muckleshoot are a scream.

          I have been going to this casino for approx 15 years on a very regular basis, and have noticed through the years how greedy they are becoming, there slot machines are a joke, they pay out nothing compared to what they take in, all there machines are are on a system of player banked money, none of the money you win if any is the casinos, all machines are designed to build up a bank that is shared with all the other machines in that area, so when one machine pays out a little you will notice your machine goes dead forever, for a very brief period the machines will pay out a little, so you cash out only to find every machine in the place is dead for several hours. when the casino is slow, the payouts are nill also, nobody wins anything. none of these machines are random like vegas, they have it all very orchistrated so if you do win anything at all you will have to leave immediatley to keep it due to there system.I have also noticed over the years that everytime they are doing major construction the payouts are even more harder to get.this system is why they have to call it ” gaming ” instead of gambling. gambling would incinuate that both parties stand a chance of losing, in which they have no chance of. you are winning if any, other players money which is becoming a smaller and smaller amont everyday. I wish the state could restrict how much profits they are able to take from all of us and make them give out a larger proportion to the customers. iv’e heard they profit $ 300.000.000 [million] per month!!! come on!!!! also there giveaways such as there drawings are geting cheaper and cheaper every month, you used to be able to win $5000 to $10000 easy if you were lucky enough to get your name drawn. now the average is about $500 to $1500, I know it sounds like im bitter, but its just getting old, I visit there way to often, so you can benifit from my experience. I dont think most people take the time or effort to notice these things, they beleive its just there bad luck. Its more like bad luck they are creating for you!!!

          Reply
          1. scearley

            It’s that mentality that makes me feel for the teabaggers. “Don’t you know how much money they make!? THEY OWE ME, cuz they make so much money!”

          2. gldngrrl

            going to the casino for 15 years? and you’re complaining? gambling addiction anyone? Need a life maybe and something more to do than the muckleshoot?

            I mean they are good for a buffet or whatever, but I hope I never get to a point in my life where I can look back and say, I have been going to this white trash casino for 15 years of my life AND I CAN NEVER GET THOSE YEARS BACK!

            (sorry, I mean they can be fun and all, but like once in a while to hang out with friends, but on a “very regular basis”??)

        2. admin

          HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am going to punish the new business for taking over the space of a failed business! How dare you not be the same place, new business? HOW DARE YOU?

          Reply
    1. admin

      The sad thing is that it really takes no effort to find reviews like these, and worse is that reviews like these ones can negatively impact a business simply because the reviewer is a flaming douchebag.

      Reply
    1. admin

      Implementing douchebag functionality could save Yelp from the self-important douchebag population! Restaurant owners could look at their reviews and not worry about this one or that one, because everyone agrees that so-and-so is a douchebag so their opinion doesn’t carry weight.

      Reply
    1. admin

      I was confused when she said a good selection of music was played and then ticked off ‘Coldplay’ as though they were a part of that good selection.

      Reply
  3. earthdotprime

    I can’t find it, but there’s an amazing review of a restaurant in Boulder that the dude gave one star to, not because the food was bad or the service was terrible, but because he went there on a first date and his date didn’t like him.

    Reply
    1. admin

      hahahaha if yelp reviews were youtube comments:

      “That burger was a fag.”
      “Shut up cocksucker you don’t know about burgers!”
      “G@yyy”

      Reply
  4. iamthedarkangel

    What’s wrong with the second one? Seems like legit complaint to me. Not taking credit cards and banning cell phones eliminates a large portion of your potential business clients or people like me who use debit cards instead of cash to track spending.

    Reply
    1. admin

      A ‘don’t talk on your cell phone, treat our employees like human beings’ policy is good, IMO. They’re not saying “nooooo, technology is bad,” they’re just asking people not to be assholes. No one needs to be attached to their cell phone at all times. And if for some reason you do, don’t eat at Red Mill.

      Reply
      1. iamthedarkangel

        Not that I’m trying to argue with your awesomeness as the other two posts are definitely douch-ay but I don’t see anything about douchey in that particular post. I agree, one should always be polite to people, but in general, not just waitstaff.

        If you’re a consultant or if you telecommute, there are times you have to be connected. I’m one of them since I do both. I have a few friends in the same boat too so it’s a very odd policy from my point of view. It sucks when you’re trying to enjoy lunch and you need to try to help someone figure out how to print a word document, but sometimes it can’t be helped. Essentially they paid for that burger I’m eating :)

        Reply
        1. admin

          We may have to agree to disagree, I think that an environment where people are focused on the food and their dining partners instead of hooked to their phone is a positive thing.

          Reply

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